


Good Enough

by HollsteinFF



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Consent Issues, Controversial Topics, Eventual Smut, F/F, Hetero, Semi-Cruel Intentions AU - Freeform, Slow Burn, Smut, bi-curious Laura (in the beginning), dub con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-05-11 15:57:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 80,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5632474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HollsteinFF/pseuds/HollsteinFF
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Laura is a piano/opera prodigy about to enter into her final year of high school when she gets accepted into a prestigious arts junior college - Silas University. She's been antisocial ever since her mother walked out on her and her father, so before she attends, her father is determined that she take up an extracurricular that involves getting her out of the music room and into social interactions. So Laura goes to Styria Cheer Camp, where she's rooming with the most insufferable, rude, annoying girl she's ever met.</p><p>Carmilla is a grade-A lady killer whose only goal for the summer is to score with as many cheerleaders as possible before she has to head back to boarding school. </p><p>Neither of them expect the summer to be so explosive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Broken

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: Laura is incredibly emotionally damaged in this story in the beginning. Also keep in mind that she is very confused about her sexuality and is lashing out at anyone who makes her question it. This fic contains a lot of consent issues. If you are triggered at all by consent, please don't read this. Also, it has Laura/Theo in the beginning when Laura is figuring out that she's gay, so if you're turned off by heterosexual relationships, or if you are angered or appalled by the idea that Laura wasn't born with the full knowledge that she was a flat out lesbian from birth, then steer clear from this fic.
> 
> Hello again! This is going to be far different from my other works, so bear with me in the beginning. It's kind of a slow burn. Hope you enjoy!
> 
>  
> 
> The Cruel Intentions AU that literally no one needed...

Laura Hollis stared at her reflection in the mirror. She could do this. She could totally do this. She pulled her hair back in a high, tight ponytail and studied the lines of her face. Deep, pensive eyes. Straight nose. The soft curve of her jawline. The delicate arc of her eyebrows. The long straight slope of her neck. She knew she was pretty – that wasn’t the problem. She had the looks, she was just lacking the attitude. She dropped the duffle bag on the floor and went downstairs to meet her father.

“Where’s your bag?” Steve Hollis asked with a sigh.

“I’m not going. I changed my mind. I have too much to do over the summer. I have all kinds of summer reading and coursework to prepare for and I still haven’t gotten past the second page of _Gaspard de la nuit_.” She took a deep breath to continue but was cut off by her father slamming his fist against the counter.

“God damn it Laura!” he paused, getting his voice back under control. “We’ve agreed on this already. Look. I get it. Music is your thing. Music is what you love. And you’re _great_ at it.” He shook his head. “I just want you to try. Just _try_ to make room for something else. Try to make room for something more practical. Something that could take you places. Something _active_.”

Laura’s eyes narrowed. “Something _practical?”_ She huffed. “How in God’s name is _cheerleading_ practical? How is _cheerleading_ going to take me places?”

Steve shook his head. “Because it will get you _out_ of your room. It will get you out of the practice room at school. You can’t keep shutting yourself off from everyone Laura. It’s not healthy. I turned a blind eye to your anti-social habits after your mother left Laura, but it’s been _ten years_! She’d want you to get out sweetheart. She’d want you to make friends and have fun.”

That was a low blow, even for her father. Bringing her mother up. She felt the hot churn in her stomach. She closed her eyes to fight back the tears. The tears of being unwanted. The tears of not being _enough_. She turned her calculating gaze back on her father. “Fine.” She stormed up the stairs and grabbed the duffle bag. Stomping back down without so much as a glance in his direction as she went straight to the car.

Steve closed his eyes and shook his head. He hoped he was doing the right thing. Laura couldn’t just keep shutting herself off from the world. Maybe all she needed was a nudge in the right direction. He just hoped this wouldn’t sever the remaining ties to whatever relationship they still had left.

* * *

Lilita Morgan called up the stairs one last time. “Carmilla Karnstein if you don’t get down here this instant, you’re going to be late!”

Carmilla came barreling down the stairs, bag carelessly thrown over her shoulder, guitar case firmly in hand. “I’m ready, chill.”

Lilita sighed. “Carmilla why do you have your guitar?”

Carmilla looked at her mother as if the woman had grown a second head. “How am I supposed to woo the ladies if I don’t have my guitar?”

Lilita’s lips quirked up in a smile. “Of course, how could I have been so trite?” She rolled her eyes at her daughter. “Come along then, Lady Killer. You have a summer camp to get to.”

The car ride to the airport was filled with the loud sounds of electric guitar and barely coherent words. Carmilla’s fingers pressed against her thighs, forming the chords along with the song. When it got to a particularly awesome part of the song, she threw her head back and belted out the lyrics. After a few beats, her mother’s voice joined in.

By the time they were pulling up to the drop-off point, they were both laughing so hard they were in tears. “Alright honey, you have everything you need? Passport? Clean underwear? Toothbrush?”

“Yeah yeah Ma, I’ve got everything. Besides, I’m almost _certain_ there’s at least one place to buy things in Styria – even though – isn’t it like, in the middle of the desert or something?” She pulled up her phone checking the temperature – 84 degrees.

Lilita smiled. “Yes dear. That’s why I made you pack warm things for the nights. It may be warm right now, but you just wait until the sun goes down. You’re going to be thanking me for those wool socks I got you.”

Carmilla grinned. “Alright well. This is it! I’ll see you in September!” She went to get out of the car when her mother pulled her back in and planted a soft kiss on her forehead. “Ugh! Ma! I’ve got a reputation to uphold!”

Lilita laughed. “Oh, I’m terribly sorry. My mistake. Go on, my badass little rock star. I won’t send a mass email to all of the campers telling them what a big softie my little girl really is.” She winked at her daughter.

Carmilla’s eyes got wide. “You wouldn’t!”

Lilita smirked. “I most certainly would. Now give your mother a kiss if you want to keep your image in tact.”

Carmilla smiled and leaned in to kiss her mother goodbye. “Alright Ma, see ya when I see ya!” She grabbed her bag and guitar from the backseat and made her way into the airport. This summer was going to be a blast. A whole camp full of cheerleaders and her. She smirked. These girls weren’t going to know what hit them.

* * *

Laura sat in the car at the airport while her father got her bag from the trunk. She could do this. It was just for a couple of months. She didn’t even have to hang out with anyone. She could just, do the exercises that were required, and retreat back to her cabin and do her summer work. If her father thought for one second she hadn’t brought all of it with her, then he didn’t know her at all.

“Alright Laura. All set?” He opened her door and handed her the duffle bag. “You’re going to be just fine, Laur. Just, you know, try to make some friends.”

Laura rolled her eyes. “I’ll do my best, father.” She walked into the airport without so much as a hug goodbye.

The plane ride to Styria was long and she found herself wondering who in their right mind would have a cheerleading camp in the middle of the desert. Wasn’t it like constantly 100 degrees or something? They were all going to die of dehydration most likely.

When she stepped out of the cab and took in the camp for the first time, she sighed. The cabins were _tiny_ and they looked run down. _No air conditioning,_ she thought ruefully. _Great._ She started walking to the largest of the cabins assuming that it was the administration building. When she made it to the door, it flew open almost hitting her squarely in the face.

“Oh my god! I’m so sorry! I didn’t see you there,” a lively redhead was rambling. “Come in, let’s get you settled. Most everyone is already here. So you must be – either Laura Hollis or Carmilla Karnstein.”

Laura sighed. “Laura,” she said nonchalantly, following the girl into the building.

“Okay Laura. It’s great to meet you! I’m Lola Perry, but you can just call me Perry. I’m the head counselor here at Styria Cheer Camp. So anything you need, you can come to me. We’ll just get started on your paperwork, then I can show you to your cabin. Here is the schedule,” she said handing Laura a sheet of paper.

Laura took the schedule and read over it.

_Breakfast from 6:00 to 7:00_

_Team Building from 7:00 to 10:00_

_Recreation from 10:00 to 11:00_

_Lunch from 11:00 to 12:00_

And so on and so forth. Practice – she noted – was from 1:00 to 4:00 every day. _Great._ She’d barely been listening to the redhead and when she’d tuned back in the girl was talking about cabin assignments. She glanced down one last time. Massage from 4:00 to 5:00 every day. Her eyebrows shot up. Well that sounded nice at least.

“And so if Carmilla is a no show, then you’ll have the whole cabin to yourself. That is something the other campers are going to be jealous of.” She’d just finished taking the paperwork from Laura and pulling out the keys to the cabin when the door banged open. “Oh! You must be Carmilla!”

Carmilla rolled her eyes, slipping into her usual cool and disaffected demeanor. “Must I be?” She dropped the bag on the floor, setting her guitar case down gently. She handed Perry the – previously filled-out – paper work and waited. When the redhead made no move to speak, she rolled her eyes again. “Are you going to assign me a cabin or what?”

Perry shook her head to collect her thoughts after the girl’s rude entrance. “Oh yes! Of course. Cabin thirteen. You’ll be rooming with Laura here.” She motioned toward the still seated girl.

Carmilla finally allowed herself to give the other girl in the room a glance. Her eyebrows shot up. Her new roommate was a hottie. She smirked. “Well lucky me.” She turned back to the redhead. “So if I could just get the keys, then the cupcake and I can be on our way.”

Laura balked. _The nerve of this girl!_ “Excuse me?” she asked. “I have a name, and it most certainly isn’t of the pastry variety."

 _Oh great_ , Carmilla thought. Attitude to go along with the pretty face. What else was she expecting? Cheerleaders, while hot and – she smirked – flexible, weren’t known for being the politest of individuals. No matter though, it wasn’t like she was looking for a girlfriend. She just wanted to blow off some steam before she had to go back to the hell hole of a boarding school she called home for most of the year. “Sorry creampuff. Didn’t mean to get your bloomers all _twisted_. Let me know if you need some help getting those all un-bunched.” She winked at the girl.

Laura huffed in disgust. _Of course._ Of course she was going to be sharing a cabin with this rude girl. And of course she was going to be sharing a cabin with a girl who appeared to be – probably – the _only_ lesbian at Styria Cheer Camp. And okay, Laura wasn’t homophobic in any way. But this girl had known her for all of two seconds and was already making sexual innuendos. She rolled her eyes. She looked back at the redhead who seemed to smile apologetically while she handed a key ring to Carmilla and the girl left without another word.

Perry handed Laura another sheet of paper. “This is the map of the campgrounds. It will help you find your cabin and all of the other recreational facilities.” She noticed the girl’s hesitance. “Hey, it’s really not so bad. We have a lot of fun here. Just give us a chance.” She smiled again.

Laura nodded, looking down at the map. “Thanks Perry.” She did her best to make her smile seem genuine. She made her way to cabin thirteen and went to open the door. It was locked. “Are you kidding me? Carmilla! Open the door, I was literally right behind you!” Silence. Then a giggle. Then a moan. “Seriously?!? We’ve been here for like three seconds!” She pounded on the door again. She was most definitely going to get the second key off of the key ring the minute she got into the room.

Fifteen minutes later, the door to the cabin opened and a blonde girl came stumbling out. The girl turned and waved flirtatiously back at Carmilla. Laura rolled her eyes and pushed past the blonde, glaring at her roommate. “What the hell are you playing at?”

Carmilla sighed. This girl _really_ needed to get laid. “I have no clue what you’re talking about cutie.” She pulled a book out of her bag and started to read, paying her roommate no attention as the girl threw her duffle bag onto the unoccupied bed.

“You can’t just lock me out!” Laura huffed. “Seriously what’s your damage? Didn’t anyone ever teach you what manners are?”

Carmilla dropped the book, turning her head to face her roommate. She tapped her finger against her lips and made an exaggerated thinking face. “Manners. Manners? Hmmm, nope, not ringing a bell,” she purred.

Laura took a deep breath. Carmilla’s low, sultry voice was causing her irritation to grow and she didn’t really know why. She took another deep breath. “Look, we’re going to have to be roommates for the entire summer, so maybe we should restart. I’m Laura. I’m from Canada. I really like music and ballroom dancing and I want to be a journalist – or a concert pianist.”

Carmilla raised an eyebrow. “When you said you liked music I thought we were going to be able to find common ground,” she started. “Then you said concert pianist and I threw up in my mouth a little bit.” She rolled her eyes. “Seriously cupcake? Piano? Ballroom dancing? What are you forty?”

Laura closed her eyes, breathing deeply. She wouldn’t let this girl get to her. She was going to make it through the summer and go home and start the very prestigious art school that she’d gotten into. Silas University was world-renowned. It was known for being the top arts junior college. She had gotten in by playing Stravinsky’s _Trois mouvements de Petrouchka._ It was one of the most difficult pieces to play, and she had made it look like a child could’ve played it. It was the finest moment of her life, and she wasn’t about to have it ruined by some rude, selfish, morally ambiguous _lesbian_.

There it was again. The word. She flinched when it made its way into her thoughts again. Why was it bothering her so much? She had nothing against lesbians. She actually supported gay rights. Maybe it was the fact that her roommate was now staring at her chest and smirking.

Laura looked down and realized her chest was heaving in frustration. She took another deep breath and tried to regulate her inhales and exhales. “I’m seventeen. I enjoy the arts. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being responsible and ambitious. I want to go to Julliard. I have to make – sacrifices. So I’m sorry I’m not up for getting drunk and going to whatever lame party is going on at the time. And I’m sorry that my idea of fun isn’t waving pom-poms around and plastering a fake smile on my face. I have goals and nothing is going to get in the way of them.”

Carmilla shook her head. “If you aren’t interested in cheerleading, then why are you here cupcake?”

Laura had had enough of the nicknames. She slammed her hands against the mattress. “My. Name. Is. Laura!” she shouted. “It isn’t _cupcake_ or _creampuff_ or _cutie_. It’s Laura.”

Carmilla’s eyes widened. What the hell had happened to this girl to make her so insufferable? “Okay, _Laura_ , if you think cheerleading is dumb, why are you here?”

Laura sighed. “My dad thought it would be good for me to get out and experience things that didn’t revolve around a piano or opera.”

Carmilla nodded. “Okay then, let’s go experience things.” She wiggled her eyebrows. “Unless of course you’d rather experience things in _here_.”

Laura rolled her eyes. “Look, don’t take this wrong okay? But you’re not exactly my type.”

Carmilla raised an eyebrow. “I’m everyone’s type, cutie.” She dropped her voice an octave. “Just give it time.”

Laura’s eyes narrowed. “You’re insufferable. I have eyes. I can obviously see that you’re very attractive. And I’m sure that gets you all kinds of girls, but I’m straight okay?”

Carmilla smirked. “Oh so you admit that I’m very attractive? That’s good, for a second I thought that maybe you were asexual.” She stood from the bed and walked over to Laura. She twisted the girl’s high pony in between her fingers. “As for that whole _straight_ thing, it’s okay. We’ll work on it.”

Laura huffed. “I’m not broken!” she shouted. “I don’t need to work on anything. I don’t need you to _fix_ me!” She stood up and walked to the door of the cabin. “I just need to get through the next three months, go to the world-renowned boarding school that I got into, and get into Julliard. And I don’t need anything or anyone distracting me.” She stormed out.

Carmilla stood there with her eyebrows raised. “Well someone sure is full of herself,” she mumbled. She felt a little off. She’d never been outright rejected before. Even the straight girls she’d pursued in the past had all been more accepting of her advances. She had a killer body, she had charm, and she had her – she smirked – guitar. She pulled the acoustic guitar out of its case. What kind of music would lure Laura in? How could she find common ground with the girl?

She wished she’d brought her electric guitar. She didn’t necessarily dislike the acoustic, but she played it so much for school that when she wasn’t at school, she just wanted the harsh metallic scream of a Fender Strat. She strummed a few chords, quickly retuning the instrument, before setting in on a slow song.

 _I wanted you to know, I love the way you laugh._  
_I want to hold you high and steal your pain away._  
_I keep your photograph, and I know it serves me well._  
_I want to hold you high and steal your pain._

Her fingers moved effortlessly, forming the chords for the song. She’d been working on it for a while now. But something about it wasn’t right. She just couldn’t figure out what.

Laura sat on the steps of the cabin. She could hear Carmilla inside tuning her guitar. She expected some kind of angry punk song to come wafting through the walls, but when the soft melody began, it took her off guard. When she heard Carmilla start singing, her eyebrows shot up. The girl was good. Really good. The lyrics of the song were really sad and it left her wondering what had happened to the other girl to inspire such somber words. Maybe she’d read Carmilla wrong. Maybe the girl’s attitude was a symptom of something much deeper. Maybe she and Carmilla had more in common than either of them first thought.

She knew she let her past experiences control her temper. She wasn’t blind. She knew her mother’s sudden exit from her life had left her with serious trust issues. It’s why she never even bothered making friends. They’d all eventually leave anyway, once they’d figured out she wasn’t good enough. She sighed. She took out the folded piece of paper from her pocket. Dinner would be starting in a few minutes. She started walking to the cafeteria and steeled her nerves for the social interactions she knew she was about to be thrust in. She took a deep breath before pushing the door open.

There were people everywhere. She felt her anxiety immediately. She took another deep breath. She went to the line and got her food – a kale salad with no dressing. Cherry tomatoes. Pecans. And strawberries. She grabbed a bottle of water and sat at a table in the corner. Alone. She was halfway through her salad when the scraping of a chair against the floor broke her out of her daze.

Carmilla plopped down in the chair across from Laura and began digging into the cheeseburger on her plate. “This is actually pretty good,” she said, surprised. She’d been expecting a cheer camp to have nothing but health food or like, crackers. She looked over at Laura’s half-eaten salad. She rolled her eyes. “You know cupcake, if you’re going to be practicing for three hours a day, you might wanna at least get a little protein in your system.” She waved her burger at the girl.

Laura made a disgusted face. “I’m a pescetarian.”

“Gesundheit,” Carmilla said nonchalantly.

Laura balked. “It means I don’t eat meat other than fish.”

Carmilla nodded. “I know what pescetarianism is cutie.” She rolled her eyes. “Next time you may want to add a little tuna to that salad. You’re going to pass out at this rate.”

Laura huffed. “They didn’t have any fish. So, I had to just make do with what was available.”

Carmilla frowned. Laura was going to be seriously malnourished if this was the case every day. She was about to say so when the girl from earlier sat down – right in her lap.

“Hey Carmilla,” the girl purred.

Carmilla’s eyes widened and she glanced at Laura for a way out. “Hey – _you_ ,” she said. Damn she should have remembered the girl’s name. “What’s going on, uh, hotstuff?” Carmilla looked to Laura for help again.

Laura rolled her eyes. Carmilla didn’t even remember the girl’s name. Figures. Laura reached out a hand. “Hi, I’m Laura, Carmilla’s roommate.” The girl shook her hand. “Elsie, nice to meet you.” Her eyes never left Carmilla. _That_ was going to be annoying.

Carmilla downed the last of her burger and shifted Elsie out of her lap. “Well, it was great running into you but uh – my roommate and I were just heading out to uh – explore the campgrounds.”

Elsie sighed in obvious disappointment. “Oh okay. Well, maybe later you and I could sneak into the recreation hall and you could play that guitar for me.”

Carmilla nodded. “Yeah. Sure. That’s a definite possibility. Well,” she grabbed Laura’s hand, tugging the girl away. “See you later,” she called out as she dragged her roommate toward the door.

As soon as they were outside Laura rounded on her roommate. “Seriously? It’s been like an _hour!_ You don’t even remember her name!”

Carmilla flinched. “Sorry?” Where the fuck was this coming from?

“That’s just it. You’re not sorry. You don’t even care. You don’t even _care_ what her name is. You’re all the same. No one’s ever _enough_ for you!” she shouted, not caring that she was making a scene. She stormed off in the direction of the cabin leaving a stunned Carmilla in her wake.

Carmilla blinked. Okay, someone had _seriously_ hurt that girl. At least now Laura’s trust issues and antisocialism were making more sense. She kind of wanted to punch whatever guy had broken Laura’s heart, right in the face. She shook the thought. Why should she care? She knew _all_ about heartbreak. She wasn’t about to go through that again, so she kind of understood where Laura was coming from. Though she still thought the girl needed to get laid. Maybe she could help her roommate release some of that tension. She smirked.

She pushed open the door to their cabin and found Laura face down in her bed. “Look, cupcake. Think of me what you will, but at least I’ve learned how to release all of my pent up frustration. Something that would do you some good.”

Laura rolled over and glared at her roommate. “Is that the line you use to get girls in bed? Seriously? That works for you?”

Carmilla chuckled. “I’m not trying to get you in bed. You’re not really my cup of tea either creampuff.” That was the biggest fucking lie of the century. Laura was _definitely_ her type. Almost the spitting image of the dream girl in her head.

Laura huffed, sitting up on her bed. “Great, so now I’m not even good enough for the Don Juan of cheer camp,” she mumbled. “Just leave me alone Carmilla.”

Carmilla frowned. This girl had _serious_ insecurities. And _serious_ self-esteem issues. She walked up and pushed herself between Laura’s legs. “Oh I wouldn’t go _that_ far,” Carmilla said, squeezing the girl’s thighs and bringing her lips within inches of Laura’s. She heard the girl swallow hard. She glanced down at Laura’s lips. “I definitely wouldn’t mind helping you release some of that pent of frustration,” she purred, running her hands up and down the brunette’s thighs.

Laura blinked. Her eyes darted down to Carmilla’s lips for a split second. The dark haired girl’s hands were making it kind of hard to concentrate. She swallowed hard. “Please stop,” she whispered.

Carmilla immediately backed off, for which she was grateful. What had just happened? What was that churning feeling in her stomach? Why was her throat so dry? “We should turn in,” she said emotionlessly, before dragging her legs back on the bed and rolling over to face the wall. Soon after, the lights were shut off and she could breathe normally again. That was until she realized it was _cold_. This was the fucking desert. Why was it cold? She pulled the blankets up around her and shivered. She really wished she’d packed more than shorts and tank tops to sleep in.

Carmilla heard Laura’s teeth chattering from across the room. “You know you should really put on something warmer. You know the temperature drops down to about fifteen degrees every night here.”

Laura turned to face her roommate. “What?! This is the desert! Isn’t it supposed to be hot?” Fifteen freaking degrees? Was she serious? “I didn’t bring anything warmer. I checked the temperature before I packed and it was like ninety degrees every day.”

Carmilla sighed. “Yeah, when the sun is out. It’s the desert creampuff. Nights are always cold.” She rolled her eyes. “Look, I’ve got an extra pair of sweats in my bag.”

Laura sighed dropping her head down on her pillow. “That would be nice yeah. Thanks.”

Carmilla got out of bed and dug through her bag for the other set of sweats. She handed them to Laura. “There you go cutie. Now if anyone asks, you can say you got in my pants on the first night.” She winked at the girl.

Laura rolled her eyes, but smiled. The gesture was a really nice thing to do, even if the execution was lacking. “Thanks Carmilla. I really appreciate this.” She pulled the sweats over her sleep clothes and noticed her roommate was still staring at her. She lifted an eyebrow.

Carmilla chuckled. “Well that was anticlimactic. I thought I’d at least get to see some skin.” The yellow pillow that smacked into her face was completely unexpected. But she grinned at the brunette and tossed it back. Laura wasn’t so bad. She just had to figure out which buttons to push, and which ones to stay away from.

* * *

The next day had gone by in a blur. At cheer practice, Laura had thanked every deity known to man that her dancing lessons had given her stamina and rhythm. The girls at this camp were serious about cheerleading. She’d just watched one girl do about fifteen back handsprings in a row. It made her dizzy just to watch. She wasn’t acrobatic in that sense. Tumbling kind of terrified her actually, which was weird, because she had no problems being lifted in dance. Her eyes scanned the field until they landed on the familiar form of her roommate.

Carmilla was surrounded by a group of girls. They all seemed to be very interested in whatever the dark haired girl was saying at the moment. Laura was about to turn away when Carmilla took off in a run. She watched as her roommate did a round off back handspring and finished it off with a back layout with a half twist. It was clearly impressive. She watched Carmilla jog back to the group of girls with a carefree smile on her face. The girls immediately fawned over her. She rolled her eyes.

When practice was over, she was really looking forward to the massage part. But when she’d gotten to the building there was nothing inside but a bunch of desks. She was confused. Perry walked in the room holding a bunch of supplies. “Um, Perry? I thought this was the massage part of the day.”

Perry smiled. “Oh it is! It’s going to be so much fun.” The redhead began setting up her supplies as the other girls filed in. Perry turned around and greeted them all. “Okay so today we get to learn about proper massage techniques.”

A few girls groaned and Laura sat there still confused. Elsie, the girl from earlier was the first to speak up. “I thought we were going to be getting massages.”

Perry smiled. “Oh you are! But first you have to learn the proper techniques. You see the camp isn’t made out of money, so we can’t afford to hire personal massage therapists for each girl. So you’ll be paired up and you’ll learn on each other! Isn’t this going to be fun?”

Carmilla grinned. She was totally getting paired up with Laura, even if she had to work a little magic. She went over and sat in the empty desk beside her roommate. “This is super lame,” she whispered. “I thought we were going to be pampered."

Laura glanced over at her roommate. “It’s not what I was expecting, that’s for sure.”

Perry continued talking at the front of the room. “Okay so I’m going to be showing you a video on some basic techniques, and then when you get back to your cabins, you can practice on each other. It’s a good way to relieve stress and also to keep your muscles from getting too sore.”

Laura felt a blush rise to her cheeks. She was _not_ looking forward to having her roommate’s hands all over her. Carmilla would surely do something inappropriate. But she listened intently to the lecture and watched the different techniques. It didn’t really look that hard. Massage was something that was pretty instinctual honestly.

The walk back to their cabin was filled with awkward silence. Carmilla was determined to help Laura relieve some of that tension, and if it was in the form of a massage, then so be it. The girl needed _some_ kind of release at least. When the door closed behind her she turned and grinned. “So you wanna do me first or you want me to do you?”

Laura’s eyes narrowed. “You can’t seriously believe I’d strip down and let you put your hands on me,” she said baffled. “I told you. I’m not into that. Just back off.”

Carmilla’s eyebrows shot up. Was this girl serious? “Dude, I’m just following the instructions. We’re supposed to practice on each other for an hour. And I get that you think you’re God’s gift to the world and everything, but let me spell it out for you.” She was actually kind of pissed at this point. “Just because you have tits and a vagina, doesn’t mean I want to fuck you. You don’t want to bang every guy you see do you?”

Laura shook her head. No, she definitely didn’t want that. She cringed a little at the thought, and the harshness in Carmilla’s voice.

Carmilla continued, poking Laura in the chest. “Then what makes you so certain that just because I’m a lesbian means I want in your pants? You think I can’t control myself around all of your _hotness_? You think what? You’d take off your clothes and I’d lose all of my control over my hands? Jesus. Full of yourself much?”

Tears sprang into Laura’s eyes. She couldn’t help it. She tried to blink them away, but it was no use. She could feel her bottom lip trembling, so she bit down on it. The pain of being unwanted churned in her stomach like a coiling snake. She wasn’t enough. She wasn’t even enough for her roommate, the girl who would probably sleep with anything with breasts. Not that she _wanted_ Carmilla to want her. It wasn’t like that. Just hearing that she was unwanted. It brought back all of those painful memories.

She crawled into her bed and pulled the covers over her head. She felt the tears spill over her cheeks as she tried to control her breathing. Unwanted. She was unwanted. No one would ever want her. She wasn’t enough.

Carmilla stood there staring at the shape of her roommate huddled and shaking under the blankets. What the _fuck_ had just happened? She blinked. “Um, cupcake?”

Laura sniffled. “Just don’t, Carmilla. I get it. You don’t want me.” Another wave of tears rolled down her cheeks. “No one does,” she mumbled under her breath.

Carmilla had _just_ caught the last statement. She frowned. Okay, those insecurities went _way_ deeper than she’d originally assumed. It was a fine line she was walking at the moment. She wanted to ease Laura’s insecurities, but she didn’t want to cross the line and make her uncomfortable. She sat down on the edge of Laura’s bed. “Look cutie,” she began. She placed her hand on what she assumed was Laura’s back and felt the girl tense immediately. She rubbed Laura’s back in a soothing motion. “You’re beautiful, okay. I admit that. I think you’re probably one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever met.” She felt the brunette relax a bit. “But I get it okay? You’re not into me. That’s fine. I know I can be – kind of a flirt. It’s just who I am. I don’t mean anything by it. I don’t expect you to want to jump into bed with me because I bat my eyelashes at you.”

Laura let out a little chuckle. She pulled the blankets back from her face and turned to meet her roommate’s eyes. “Kind of a flirt?”

Carmilla smiled. “Okay okay, I’m a huge flirt. We both know it. Just – don’t read into too much. It’s not my intent to make you uncomfortable.” Laura smiled. Then frowned. Then looked as if she didn’t really know how to hold her face. “How about this? You just lay there, fully clothed, and I’ll try some of those massage techniques we just learned.”

Laura bit her lip. It _would_ be easier if she was fully clothed. She nodded. “Okay,” she whispered. She rolled onto her stomach and felt Carmilla straddle her hips. She instantly tensed up.

“Calm down cutie,” Carmilla whispered. “I promised. It’s just a massage.”

Laura nodded again. When Carmilla’s hands started rubbing her back she had to hold back the moan that threatened to escape. It felt _really_ good. Seriously if the dark haired girl’s hands were this skilled in _other_ areas, Laura could see why she had no problems getting girls to keep coming back. Her eyes widened. What the hell? Where had _that_ come from? She was so concentrated on sorting her thoughts, she hadn’t been prepared for Carmilla’s thumbs to dig into the muscles of her shoulder blades in a delicious way or for the tingling feeling that accompanied the girl’s fingers pressed against the sides of her breasts. The moan was loud and unrestrained. Both girls froze. Laura squeezed her eyes shut at the hot jolt of arousal that shot down between her legs. This wasn’t happening. This was definitely _not_ happening. Her roommate had _not_ just turned her on.

Carmilla smirked. So Laura _wasn’t_ asexual. Her thumbs started moving again and she curled her fingers against Laura’s ribs, fingertips brushing the soft sides of the brunette’s breasts. Laura shuddered underneath her and pressed her thighs together. Carmilla’s smirk widened.

Laura took a deep breath. It didn’t mean anything. It didn’t have to mean anything. So Carmilla accidentally brushed against a sensitive area. Her body responded. It didn’t have to mean anything. It was just biology. Her roommate’s fingers curled against her and she shuddered with another jolt of arousal. Fuck. It’s fine. She was a teenager. She was hormonal. It was natural. It was completely natural to respond this way to such an intimate touch. It didn’t have to mean anything. She took a deep breath, but that just served to make Carmilla’s fingertips slip even closer to her nipples, which – if she had to guess – were rock hard at the moment.

Okay, this was ridiculous. She could control her own body. She was in control. Nothing was going to distract her. This is why she’d never had a serious boyfriend. Because _this_ was distracting. “Please stop,” she whispered.

Carmilla’s fingers instantly halted. “I – I’m sorry I – didn’t mean to, um…”

Laura shook her head. “It’s fine. I know you weren’t trying to.” She shifted. “But could you maybe get off of me?”

Carmilla scrambled to get off of Laura. She stood awkwardly beside the girl’s bed for a few moments. Had she just turned her roommate on? Laura’s face was still pressed into the pillow, so she couldn’t really gauge the girl’s reaction, but if the flush that rose to the brunette’s neck was anything to go by, she’d definitely had _some_ kind of effect on the girl. “I – um – so…” What the fuck? Carmilla Karnstein didn’t stutter. Carmilla Karnstein didn’t _apologize_ for turning a girl on. She smirked. “Didn’t mean to get you all worked up cutie,” she said coolly. There. That was better.

Laura groaned. It was a pained sound. Seriously, this girl had some nerve. She rolled over and glared at her roommate. “You didn’t get me all _worked up_ ,” she spat. “Contrary to popular belief, someone touching me _inappropriately_ , after I’ve told them countless times that I’m not interested, isn’t a turn on. It’s _assault_.” Her voice was filled with contempt. How dare this girl make her feel something? How dare this girl just waltz in here and _touch_ her like she _owned_ Laura’s body? How dare Carmilla even shake the walls she’d carefully constructed around her to keep feelings like this at bay?

Carmilla’s eyes went wide. “Hold on there cutie. I think assault is a little strong. Don’t you think? I didn’t even do anything. You’re fully clothed. I didn’t touch anything I wasn’t supposed to. I was literally just giving you a friendly massage. It’s not my fault you’ve got all that pent up _frustration_.” She smirked.

Laura’s eyes were murderous. “My _frustration_ is none of your business!” she shouted. Her eyes were blurring with tears again. “Maybe I _am_ asexual! Did you ever think about that? Maybe I _choose_ not to partake in that particular activity for a _reason!_ Maybe I want to wait for someone worthy of my time!” The tears spilled over her cheeks. “Maybe I don’t want to throw it all away on someone who can’t even be bothered to remember my fucking name!”

Carmilla frowned, but then she caught herself and smirked. “Or maybe you’re just a fucking prude.” She reached down and picked up the sweats off of the floor and threw them in Laura’s face. “There, consider it a favor. Wouldn’t want you to get all frigid. Oh wait. Too late,” she bit out.

Laura wanted to throw the sweats back at the girl, but it was already getting cold. She bit her lip as she pulled them on. She didn’t thank the girl; she just pulled the blankets up over her head and turned to face the wall. She’d seen a piano in the recreation center earlier that day. She was determined to let off some steam tomorrow. She had _a lot_ to think about. Most importantly, _what_ had Carmilla just made her feel? And what did it mean?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://hollsteinFF.tumblr.com
> 
> @H0llst3inFF
> 
> Song: Seether - Broken


	2. Lithium

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla decides to step up her game.
> 
> Laura decides to change the rules.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains slight mentions of M/F in flashback, nothing too explicit...

Laura woke early. She snuck out of the cabin and headed to the recreation hall. It was unlocked, so she let herself in and went straight to the piano. She sat down on the bench and let her fingers rest against the keys. She closed her eyes, pressing the keys effortlessly. The melody was somber, just like her mood. It was something she’d been working on for a while now. She played through a few bars before stopping. It really needed lyrics, but she hadn’t really had the inspiration.

Now she was filled with inspiration. Even if it was most likely the wrong kind. She’d felt all kinds of things for the last month, and most of them had something to do with Carmilla. She just didn’t know what it all meant. She didn’t want to feel it. She didn’t want to feel anything. She began playing again and the words came to her mind like gifts from some vengeful god.

 _Lithium, don’t want to lock me up inside._  
_Lithium, don’t want to forget how it feels without._  
_Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow._  
_Oh, but God, I want to let it go._

Her fingers danced along the keys as tears threatened to spill down her cheeks. She could hear in her mind, the accompanying cello. It was all coming together in her imagination. Why couldn’t she make sense of her emotions the way she made sense of music? Why wasn’t she good enough? Why wasn’t she good enough for anyone? She hadn’t been good enough for her mother. She still wasn’t good enough for her father. She hadn’t been good enough for _him_ , the moment she’d told him she wasn’t ready. She wasn’t even good enough for her player of a roommate. The tears spilled down her cheeks as she thought about the night Carmilla had given her a massage. She’d been careless. She’d promised herself she wouldn’t be careless again – ever. 

 _Come to bed, don’t make me sleep alone._  
_Couldn’t hide the emptiness, you let it show._  
_Never wanted it to be so cold._  
_Just didn’t drink enough to say you love me._

* * *

Carmilla followed Laura out into the dark campgrounds. The girl had been sneaking out every morning for the last month. The brunette was up to something, and she was going to figure out what. Maybe Laura had a secret lover she was meeting. When Laura went into the recreation hall it confused her a bit, so she snuck in silently and stayed in the dark shadows of the corner.

Laura’s fingers moved effortlessly over the keys of the piano and Carmilla was immediately impressed by the girl’s musical inclination. When she heard the first soft words from the brunette’s lips, it was like time stood still.

 _I can’t hold on to me,_  
_Wonder what’s wrong with me._  
_Lithium, don’t want to lock me up inside._  
_Lithium, don’t want to forget how it feels without._  
_Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow._

She wanted it so bad. She wanted to feel the weightlessness that came with that little white pill. She wanted to feel her chest untighten and her anxiety fade. She wanted it so bad. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t do that anymore. Maybe it had been right at the time. Maybe her father had been right to make her see the doctors. Maybe the doctors had been right in their diagnosis. But she didn’t want to believe it. She didn’t want to believe that she was sick. She was just sad. She was cautious. She was hesitant. It didn’t mean anything. She was in control of her body. She was in control of her mind. She didn’t need the drugs. She didn’t.

 _Don’t want to let it lay me down this time._  
_Drown my will to fly._  
_Here in the darkness I know myself._  
_Can’t break free until I let it go._  
_Let me go._

Carmilla continued to listen to the sad song. She’d been wrong initially. Laura wasn’t just insecure; this girl was _broken_. Someone had broken her irrevocably. So much so in fact, that the girl was singing a love song about a drug. Carmilla blinked. What had broken Laura? What had destroyed this girl so completely? She wasn’t even really sure she wanted to know the answer. The girl’s voice turned into a powerhouse of emotion. Carmilla sat there in the corner with eyes wide, listening to Laura’s voice fill the entire recreation hall. This girl seriously had a gift. But she was going to let her anxiety eat her away before she ever got the chance to share it with the world…

 _Darling, I forgive you. After all,_  
_Anything is better than to be alone._  
_And in the end I guess I had to fall._  
_Always find my place among the ashes._

The words came unwillingly now. Her eyes were still closed, but the tears leaked out despite her best efforts to keep them in. No one deserved her tears. Not like this. He didn’t deserve them. Her mother didn’t deserve them. She was better than this. Why couldn’t she just get her emotions under control? Why couldn’t she just be good enough?

 _I can’t hold on to me,_  
_Wonder what’s wrong with me._  
_Lithium, don’t want to lock me up inside._  
_Lithium, don’t want to forget how it feels without._  
_Lithium, …stay in love with you._  
_I’m gonna let it go…_

After a few more bars, the song faded out. The recreation hall went silent. Carmilla just sat there, speechless. Utterly speechless. She watched Laura silently make her way out the door, probably in search of breakfast. Still she sat there. This wasn’t the result of some high school break up. This was something much deeper. This was something that had had such an effect on Laura that it had physically altered the chemistry of the girl’s brain. It had caused an _actual_ depression, something that needed to be medicated. This wasn’t sadness – this was despair. This was agony. This was hopelessness. And it was heartbreaking.

She shook her head. No. She couldn’t think like that. She couldn’t let herself _like_ Laura Hollis. She was Carmilla fucking Karnstein. She was going to get in her roommate's pants, and then she was going to move on with her life. Besides, depression or not, it still wasn’t an excuse. It wasn’t an excuse for the way Laura walked around like she was better than everybody. It wasn’t an excuse to be such an ass all of the time. Okay, so Laura was depressed. She knew all about depression. She’d gone through it herself after her dad had died. But she hadn’t let it turn her into a grade-A bitch. She hadn’t let it keep her from forming connections with people. So maybe her connections were more physical and less emotional, they were still connections. She didn’t shut out the world. Depression was no excuse for being so horrible to people all of the time. Laura hadn’t even tried to make any friends the entire time she’d been here. She sighed, making her way to the cafeteria.

Laura glanced up when Carmilla sat across from her. She’d thought they’d come to an agreement that she wanted to be left alone. Apparently, this wasn’t the case. She turned her eyes back to her breakfast. They hadn’t spoken to each other in more than a few words at a time, since that first week of camp. She liked it that way. It was safe. It was normal. It was something she could handle.

She’d learned to let Carmilla’s flirtatious comments roll off of her back like water. She didn’t even give the girl a response anymore. She’d gotten all of her summer reading finished and she’d been working on _Gaspard de la nuit_ pretty much every morning – when she wasn’t working on something more personal – to let off steam. She’d almost gotten it down. There were still some sections that eluded her fingers, but she would get it eventually. She was determined. She was going to be good enough.

“Sorry about last night cutie,” Carmilla said sarcastically. “Didn’t mean to scar you for life.”

Laura’s eyes narrowed. She’d walked in on Carmilla, yet again, with her head buried between some girl’s legs. Her roommate didn’t even have the decency to lock the door anymore. It had been the third time this week – and the third girl – this week. She’d lost count of all the girls she’d walked in on. Carmilla had probably made her way through the entire roster of the cheer camp by this point. It was disgusting. The girl never called any of them by their names. It was always _baby,_ or _sweetie,_ or _cutie,_ or _hotstuff_ – anything that meant Carmilla didn’t have to make enough effort to actually try to keep their names separate.

“You didn’t scar me for life. It’s just gross. Why can’t you do that somewhere else? Somewhere where I don’t have to _smell_ the aftermath,” Laura huffed.

Carmilla smirked. “Aww,” she clicked her tongue. “Is the little creampuff jealous?” she made her voice sickeningly sweet. “Cause you know, the offer still stands. I’d still like to find out what kind of – _cream filling_ – you have.” She winked at the girl.

Laura blushed. The thought of Carmilla’s face, buried between her thighs, sprang into her mind. She felt that heat pool in her stomach again. The same heat she felt any time her roommate made some sexual reference. It didn’t mean anything. It didn’t have to mean anything. She briefly wondered what it would feel like to have Carmilla’s tongue dancing along the folds of her sex. Then she immediately cringed at the guilt that image brought. Laura felt bile rise in her throat. “You’re disgusting,” she spat venomously. She let her eyes drop back down to her breakfast. She no longer had an appetite. She’d let her mind get the best of her again. It was happening more frequently now.

Carmilla nodded. Laura would blush every time she made a flirtatious comment. The girl was playing hard to get, yes, but if her roommate really wanted her to stop, she’d actually tell her to stop. Laura’s body reacted to her. And that kept her pursuing the girl. “That may be so, but don’t pretend for one second that you haven’t thought about it at least once. What it would feel like, to have my tongue buried inside of you’re – ”

Laura stood abruptly from the table and carried her half-eaten breakfast to the trashcan. She dumped it out and set her tray on top. She hadn’t thought about it. She hadn’t. Only when Carmilla said something like _that_ and forced the images into her mind. It wasn’t like she was in control of it at that point. If someone said _train wreck_ your brain just automatically pictured it. It was natural. I didn’t mean anything. It didn’t have to mean anything.

When she got back to the cabin, she locked herself in the bathroom and turned the shower on. She slipped her rosary out of her pocket and began silently reciting the prayers. One Hail Mary for every impure thought. She was halfway through the forth one when she dropped the rosary to the floor. She felt the hot sting of tears behind her eyes. It didn’t mean anything.

She slowly stripped off her clothes and got into the shower. She let her hand slip between her legs. It was better than giving in. It was better than the alternative. Carmilla’s face danced behind her eyelids as she softly stroked her clit. It didn’t mean anything. It was just temptation. She’d always had temptation. She could overcome it. She stroked faster and harder, willing her orgasm to give her even a brief release from the torture. She knew it was supposed to happen. She knew the biology behind it. But the more she wanted it, the further away it became. It was one of the main reasons she'd thought she was asexual. She couldn't even get herself off. It just never happened. Add to that the fact that no one had ever made her  _want_ it. It just made sense. Until now...

She quickly washed herself clean and wrapped herself in a towel. She picked up the rosary, and said another three Hail Marys. When she exited the bathroom, Carmilla was back. She squeaked and pulled the towel more tightly around herself. She glanced at her duffle bag across the room. How could she have been so careless?

Carmilla’s eyes raked over Laura’s body. Her eyebrows rose unwillingly. Sure, she’d seen Laura in shorts and a tank top before, but something about knowing the girl was absolutely naked underneath that towel made something hot stir inside of her. She met Laura’s eyes. The brunette looked like she was about to have a panic attack. She would have felt more compassion for her roommate if the girl wasn’t such a complete bitch. She _could_ have turned away, but the blush rising up Laura’s neck and into her cheeks made her stand her ground. So she just raised an eyebrow and continued to stare. “Don’t mind me cupcake. Just admiring the view.” 

Something snapped inside of her. She felt it. She felt it tighten and shift and then just _snap_. Her eyes narrowed. She knew Carmilla’s game at this point. The girl was a player. She would lure girls in with compliments and promises, then she wouldn’t even talk to them again. Laura didn’t know how she kept getting new girls. Word had spread throughout the camp of her roommate’s escapades. The girls here must be desperate.

She wasn’t desperate. Carmilla wanted her body. Laura was probably the only girl at camp that the dark haired girl couldn’t have, and it made her roommate want her body all the more. Two could play at this game. Carmilla wanted to torture her with her flirtatious comments and sexual innuendos. Fine. She could torture the girl as well – with the one thing she knew Carmilla wanted – her body. She walked to her duffle bag and steeled her nerves. She pulled out her clothes for the day, but instead of going back to the bathroom – like she normally did – she dropped the towel to the floor.

Carmilla gasped. She definitely hadn’t been expecting _that_. She stared at Laura’s back. Her eyes trailed down the taut muscles shifting underneath the tan skin as Laura went to put her bra on. She swallowed hard and let her gaze drop lower. Laura’s ass was perfect. The firm curve of it was driving her wild. She wanted to grab it and squeeze. She felt her fingers twitch with anticipation. She trailed her eyes down Laura’s tan legs, over tapered thighs, and firm calves. She was barely able to bite back the whimper that threatened to escape.

She bit down _hard_ on her lip when Laura bent to pull on her underwear. The girl’s sex barely peeking out from between her thighs. She couldn’t control the whimper at _that_ sight.

Laura pulled on her panties and turned to face her roommate. “Something wrong?”

Carmilla stared at the brunette with wide eyes. She hadn’t been this worked up in a _long_ time. What was it about Laura that drove her so wild? She quickly reigned in her thoughts. She couldn’t let her roommate know she had this much control. She smirked. “Not that I don’t appreciate the free show, but what the hell has gotten into you?”

Laura smiled sweetly. “I don’t know what you mean.” She shrugged, turning away from Carmilla again and pulling on her cheer skirt.

Carmilla narrowed her eyes. Was Laura _teasing_ her? Seriously? The actual fuck? She smirked. She walked up and pressed her body against Laura’s back. The girl tensed for the briefest moment before she relaxed again. “You look good enough to _eat_ cupcake.”

Laura barely controlled the shiver that threatened to run down her spine at Carmilla’s touch. She couldn’t control the wave of arousal that flooded her body however. But she knew this game, so she shrugged Carmilla off and pulled on her tank top. She rounded on the girl with contempt-filled eyes. “Yeah, that’s _not_ going to happen. Sorry to burst that bubble.” She walked out of the cabin adding some extra sway to her hips. 

Carmilla watched Laura saunter out. Saunter. The girl _was_ teasing her. She frowned. What the fuck? Girls didn’t tease Carmilla Karnstein. Especially not girl’s who thought they walked on fucking water. She was going to make Laura Hollis sorry she’d ever come to this stupid camp. Laura wanted to tease her? Laura wanted to play hard to get? Carmilla was going to become irresistible to the girl.

* * *

The day had gone by mostly in a blur. Practice was just about to start and it was _hot_. It was probably the hottest day of the summer so far. She hadn’t even started stretching and she had already broken a sweat. She downed the water bottle in her hand and went to refill it. She saw Laura stretching by herself a few yards away. She watched the girl bend and hold the position. She had to give it to her roommate, the girl was flexible. Must be all that dancing.

“Alright ladies fall in!” Danny Lawrence shouted from the sidelines. “It’s the day you’ve all been waiting for. We’re going to go over lifts and tosses. But I want all of you to be sure and keep hydrated. This is the hottest day we’ve had all year, which means it’ll probably be the coldest night tonight as well. I don’t want anyone getting sick!”

The girls all squealed. Laura rolled her eyes. Lifts were something she could do. Lifts were something she _excelled_ at. Sure it would be a little different from dance, but lifts were about core strength and balance, both of which she had a plethora. She hadn’t done yoga for the last three years for nothing. She watched Danny surreptitiously. The girl was tall and strong. Her bright red hair was shiny and it looked really smooth, even when pulled back in the high pony the girl was sporting at the moment. She mentally added another Hail Mary to the list. Danny was one of the counselors, and the cheer instructor. The redhead was a base, of course, and she had strength that was kind of unmatched.

Laura watched as the redhead lifted Sarah Jane effortlessly. She held her there with one arm as SJ pulled up her leg and held the pose. Laura’s eyebrows shot up. That was impressive.

“Alright ladies, split into two groups. If you’re less than a hundred and twenty pounds you’re a flyer. If you’re more than a hundred and twenty pounds you’re a base. The girls separated into the two groups. Danny counted the girls. “Okay I need one more base, anyone on the cusp?”

Carmilla stepped forward. Danny glanced at the girl. “Karnstein what are you like ninety pounds, get back in line.”

Carmilla huffed. “You don’t think I can be a base?” Her voice was a challenge.

Danny rolled her eyes. “No, I don’t. Now fall back in line.”

Carmilla grabbed Laura by the hips and lifted the girl smoothly into the air. She extended her arms fully and held her roommate like it was nothing. She smirked. “Buckle up creampuff.”

Laura barely had time to prepare for what that even meant, before Carmilla was bending her arms and tossing her into the air. She straightened her body instantly and felt the girl’s hands close around her feet. Carmilla held her there without wavering. Laura’s eyes were wide. She’d had no clue her roommate was this strong. Carmilla’s arms bent again and she was sailing toward the ground, but the girl caught her hips and lowered her gently until her feet were touching the grass.

There was some mumbling coming from the girls behind them, but Carmilla didn’t bother to acknowledge it. Her eyes held Danny’s glare. Eyebrows lifted in defiance.

“Fine Karnstein, you can be a base,” Danny huffed. “But you’re with Hollis. She’s probably the only one small enough for you to lift.”

Carmilla shrugged. She wouldn’t have it any other way. That was until she saw Laura’s glare directed at her.

“What the fuck Carmilla? Why are you so intent on putting your hands all over me.” Laura’s voice was low and calm, but there was barely controlled fury behind her eyes. She didn’t understand why her roommate insisted on torturing her so much.

Carmilla smirked. “Consider it payback for your teasing earlier.”

Before Laura could come up with a retort. Danny was clapping her hands and telling them to pair up. “Okay ladies, first lift is pretty basic. A simple, two-man torch. So bases kneel down and have your hands ready to support your flyers. Flyers, one foot in the base’s hands, push off their shoulders, keep your supported leg straight and bend the other leg, bringing your heel to your butt.”

Danny looked around to make sure everyone had a partner. She glanced over at Karnstein and Hollis. She was certain the dark haired girl wasn’t going to be able to hold Hollis with one arm, so she stayed close so the smaller one wouldn’t get hurt. She was intent on teaching that troublemaker a lesson though. Girls like Carmilla Karnstein only came to cheer camp for one reason. And by the stories she’d heard already, Karnstein was trouble. “Bases you’ll lift the flyer up until their foot is at chest level, your dominant hand will support the foot and your free hand will slide up to the groin to balance the weight.”

Laura rolled her eyes. Of course. Of course Carmilla’s hand was going to slide up to her fucking groin. Why would it be any different? The universe was intent on torturing her it seemed.

Carmilla knelt down in front of Laura. She smirked up at the girl. “Don’t worry cutie, I’m stronger than I look.”

Laura huffed. “I’m not worried about you dropping me Carmilla. Just keep your hands off my ass.”

Carmilla’s smirk widened. Oh she had no intentions of grabbing Laura’s ass. She held out her hands and grabbed Laura’s foot. She felt Laura push off of her shoulders as she rose to a standing position and lifted the girl to about chest level. She supported Laura’s foot with her left hand, while her right hand slid up Laura’s thigh. She gripped the girl’s groin firmly and held her there.

Laura felt the blush rise to her cheeks immediately. It didn’t mean anything. It didn’t have to mean anything.

Danny watched as the girls got into position. “Okay, hold this position. We’re going to see what you’re all made of.”

Laura groaned. She was in the middle of rolling her eyes, when she felt Carmilla’s finger lift and stroke against her. She gasped. She felt heat flood her body. It pooled low in her abdomen and rushed downward. The gentle touch didn’t stop. She bit her lip _hard_. She glanced down at Carmilla and the girl was looking up at her. Well – looking up her skirt to be precise. She should have been angry, but she couldn’t help but admire the way the muscles in her roommate’s arms flexed under her weight. Her eyebrows rose as another wave of heat rolled through her body.

Carmilla stared at her roommate’s face, just trying to gauge Laura’s reaction. The girl hadn’t jumped down and punched her yet, so that was a good sign. She continued to stroke her finger against Laura, just barely. The slightest touch. She grazed over the girl’s clit again and again until she felt the bloomers start to dampen. Laura was biting her lip. The girl had her eyes shut tightly and it looked like she was trying to regulate her breathing. Carmilla smirked and pressed against her harder.

Laura’s eyes shot open and she stared down at Carmilla. It meant something. It definitely meant something. The roiling heat in her body was something she had _never_ felt before. Not with Theo, not with anyone. She swallowed hard. She couldn’t deny it any longer. She wanted it. She wanted her roommate. She wanted Carmilla. She wanted the girl’s hands all over her body. She wanted Carmilla to push the bloomers aside and touch her directly. Oh how she wanted. Danny’s voice broke her from her daze.

“Alright ladies, good job. Go ahead and dismount. I’m impressed.” She looked over at Hollis and Karnstein. Hollis looked like she was about to pass out. Karnstein looked smug as ever. She rolled her eyes. “Good job Karnstein. You’ve passed. You’re a base.”

Carmilla grinned. Before bringing Laura slowly back to the ground. The girl turned to face her with wide, panic-filled eyes. Carmilla’s grin faltered. Maybe she had crossed a line. Maybe she’d been wrong about Laura. Maybe Laura really was straight. “Hey are you okay?”

Laura stared at the girl in disbelief. “Am I _okay_?” she whisper-shouted. “No Carmilla. I am not okay. What part of that did you think was okay?” She shook her head. She was still wet. She could feel it. “God do you have absolutely no regard for boundaries?”

Carmilla winced. Yeah, she’d definitely misjudged Laura. “Look. I’m sorry. I thought…”

“You thought? You _thought?_ Seriously? Because I’m beginning to wonder if you ever _think_ at all!” Laura stormed off in the direction of their cabin.

Carmilla went to jog after her roommate when Danny caught her arm. “What’s wrong with Hollis?”

Carmilla sighed. “I think she was feeling a bit dehydrated. I’ll go check on her.”

Laura all but ran back to the cabin. What had just happened? Every wall inside of her had just come tumbling to the ground. With one stupid touch. She was hyperventilating. She had to get back to the cabin before she had an outright panic attack. She couldn’t let anyone see that. She barely made it before she dissolved into a fit of gasping and sobbing. She pressed her back against the door and slid down to the floor. Deep breaths. In and out. Deep breaths.

The door opened and she tumbled backward. And everything went black.

“Hey Laura! Laura, hey wake up. You’re okay.” Carmilla’s voice drifted through the darkness. She felt a cool hand on her face and she blinked her eyes open. Carmilla’s face was concerned. “Hey,” the girl smiled. “You’re okay.”

Laura let out a sob. “I am so far from okay, I don’t even know what that feels like anymore,” she whispered. She thought about Carmilla’s hands on her. The gentle caress of the girl’s finger against her swollen sex. She’d never felt anything like it. She’d never even dreamt she’d feel anything like it. She definitely wasn’t asexual. That wasn’t even on the table anymore. So then? What was she? Was she gay? The feeling Carmilla had given her. It was strange, but not unpleasant. It was hot and consuming, but also scary. It scared the hell out of her. Carmilla’s thumb brushed against her lip. “Please don’t,” she whispered.

Carmilla pulled her hand away as if she’d been burned. “I didn’t…”

“Yes you did,” Laura cut the girl off. “You meant every second of it. And I…” she glanced down at Carmilla’s lips while biting her own. “I’m so tired of fighting it. It's like you _know_ I can't say no to you.” She threaded her fingers in the hair at the base of Carmilla’s neck, and crashed their lips together. It was the first time in her life that a kiss had ever made her see stars. It was the first time in her life that a kiss had ever left her wanting more.

Carmilla pulled Laura up and walked the girl backwards to her bed. Then her hands slid down and gripped her roommate’s ass, before picking her up and setting her down on the mattress.

Laura pulled out of the kiss. “How are you so fucking strong?”

Carmilla chuckled. “They make us go to the weight room three times a week for softball. She flexed her arms for the brunette. “Why? You see something you like?”

Laura’s eyes widened as Carmilla’s muscles flexed and shifted. She did. She did see something she liked. She nodded.

Carmilla crawled onto her bed and gently led Laura down to the mattress. She settled in between the girl’s legs. Her hands slid up the brunette’s thighs and under the cheer skirt. She pushed the skirt up until it was bunched around Laura’s waist and she could see the damp fabric of the girl’s bloomers. “So you’re not asexual?”

Laura shook her head. “I guess not. I don’t – I mean – I don’t think so anymore.” She paused to think. “I definitely feel _something_ right now with the way you’re looking at me.”

Carmilla grinned. She pulled Laura up into a seated position and tugged the girl’s tank top over her head. God she wanted this girl. She’d never wanted anyone so much in her life. She cupped Laura’s breasts over the sports bra and squeezed gently.

Laura’s back arched as white-hot arousal coursed through her veins. Carmilla’s lips were pressing kisses down her neck. She couldn’t think straight. She needed to be able to think this through, and right now, she could barely remember her own name. When Carmilla reached down to the hem of her bra and began pushing it up, Laura’s hands flew up to stop the girl. “Please don't,” she whispered. “I – this is all going too fast. I don’t – I’m not – can we just slow down a bit?”

 _Slow down?_ What an odd request. If anything Carmilla wanted to speed things up. Then it hit her. “Oh my god. You’re a virgin.”

Laura felt blood rush to her face. “I thought we’d already covered that. I said I wanted to wait for someone who could remember my name. God, what am I doing? We can’t do this.” She pushed Carmilla off of her and sat up.

Carmilla blinked. “I do remember your name, Laura.” She was so fucking turned on at the moment. Laura’s toned abdominal muscles were quivering under her fingertips not two seconds ago. She could still feel the girl’s soft skin. “But I thought you were just saying that to get me to back off.”

Laura frowned. “Well I wasn’t. I haven’t – I mean. I’ve done _stuff_ before. I just haven’t ever felt the need to go further.”

Carmilla’s brows furrowed. “Done _stuff?”_

Laura blushed again. “Well yeah. I mean, I went out with a boy from my old school a few times. And he – I mean we – he liked to touch me a lot. And I mean I guess I didn’t mind it. He really seemed to enjoy it. I just – I never felt the need to go any further.”

Carmilla shook her head. “When you say he touched you, you mean? Where did he touch you?”

Laura blushed. “Carmilla you _know_ where he touched me.”

Carmilla nodded. “Did you like it?”

Laura shrugged. “I don’t know. It didn’t feel _bad_. It definitely didn’t feel the same as when _you_ touched me there.”

“So you didn’t like it, but you didn’t _not_ like it when he touched you? And when I touch you?” Carmilla admonished herself for the hope she could hear in her own voice.

Laura blushed. “I liked it when you touched me.”

Carmilla smirked. “So how did he touch you, Laura?”

Laura could feel her blush deepen. “Why are you asking me this? It seems counterproductive to what you want. Why do you care how some guy touched me? It’s been over a year.”

Carmilla shook her head. “Oh I don’t think it’s counterproductive. Let’s just call it research.”

Laura didn’t know how she felt about talking about this particular subject. She’d never talked about sex before. She’d never even really thought about it until Carmilla. When Theo had touched her, it had been because the boy couldn’t keep his hands off of her, and she was trying so hard at the time to convince herself that the crush she had on her female English teacher was _not_ a crush at all. So she’d let him touch her. He enjoyed it, and she didn’t hate it. She thought maybe after a while, she’d end up liking it. But that hadn’t happened, and so she told him that she wasn’t ready. She shrugged. “He used to take me to the movies. We’d sit in the back row of some movie that had been playing for a while so no one was there. He’d make it about fifteen minutes in before his hand would be on my thigh.”

She swallowed. Thinking about it now, here, with Carmilla’s dark eyes watching her intensely made it seem more sexual than it had been at the time. “He would slide his hand up my thigh and rub at me through my jeans. I pretended to like it because I thought that’s how I was supposed to feel. I figured eventually, it would make me feel something else, but it never did. So one night when we were in his car, I let him unbutton my jeans and rub me through my panties. I got wet and after that he was like a dog with a bone. He always wanted me wet.”

Carmilla’s eyes were wide. Laura’s story was turning her on and she wasn’t really sure why. She raised an eyebrow for the girl to continue.

Laura swallowed. She almost felt relieved to get this out. “He would touch me any time we were alone together. It didn’t matter where we were. He’d just pull me off to the side and slip his hand down my pants, or under my skirt. He never tried to go any further, so I just let him. One night I was over at his house and his parents were gone. He turned on porn and pulled me into his lap. I could feel how hard he was, but he never tried to make me touch him, he just wrapped his arms around me and rubbed at me under my skirt.” She shrugged. “So I guess I kind of started grinding on his lap. I felt like since he was trying so hard to please me, that he deserved _something._ He got really excited and pushed me down on the couch. The porn had two girls and one was going down on the other one and it was making me really wet. And he was touching me and that was making me even wetter. And I don’t know. It was really confusing for me.”

Carmilla nodded. “So you were turned on, but you couldn’t tell if it was from the girls or from him?”

Laura nodded. “Yeah I mean, he’d made me wet before, so I guess I just thought it was a little of both, but I didn’t want it to be from the girls. So when he pushed my skirt up and started tonguing at me through my panties, I put my fingers in his hair and held him there. It felt weird, but not bad. He kept telling me how good I tasted and how he wanted to be inside of me. But when he tried to take off my panties, I kind of freaked out. I told him I wasn’t ready. And he called me a tease. He drove me home and never called me again.”

Carmilla’s brows furrowed. “What a dick.”

Laura laughed hollowly. “Carmilla, I’ve seen you do that to countless girls at this camp.”

Carmilla frowned. That was probably true. “Yeah but those girls all know what they’re getting into. I never try to pretend otherwise. It was a dick move, and I kind of want to punch him in the face.”

Laura shrugged. “I don’t hate him. I mean, he liked touching me and I let him even though I didn’t really want it. I guess I kind of led him on. I never really understood why he liked it so much. Most guys would have went off and spread it around the school, but Theo always kept it between us. So, it was just weird. Though you seemed to enjoy it just as much as he did.”

“Right. Well, yeah. Of course I enjoyed it. Laura, I don’t know if you realize this or not, but you’re kind of hot. So yeah,” she rambled. “I enjoyed touching you there. I wouldn’t mind touching you there a little more. Maybe with less clothes.”

Laura closed her eyes and let out a half laugh, half groan. “You make me really want that.” She shook her head. “But I can’t. I’m not – I don’t think I’m ready for that.”

Okay, so this would normally be the part where Carmilla would make her exit. Laura didn’t want to have sex. That was fine. She could go find another girl in a heartbeat. But something about her roommate made her want to stay. Probably the fact that Laura had _just_ told her that’s what the boy had done. She didn’t want to be like him. Not to Laura. “That’s okay,” she whispered. “But – can I touch you in other places?”

Laura bit her lip. She _really_ wanted Carmilla to touch her. She nodded. She let the girl gently lay her back. Carmilla’s fingertips brushed softly along her stomach.

Carmilla trailed her fingers along the hem of Laura’s bra before curling them and dragging her nails down the girl’s stomach. Laura shivered at the touch. She slipped just the tips of her fingers underneath the band of the skirt, and made a line from hipbone to hipbone.

Laura’s eyes fluttered shut. Carmilla’s other hand was on her thigh, burning its way up her leg until it reached the top. The dark haired girl gave her a firm squeeze before the hand was trailing back down.

Carmilla cupped Laura’s face and trailed her fingers over the girl’s cheekbones, then Laura’s jawline, brushing her thumbs across soft lips. Laura’s lips parted. She pushed her index finger just slightly into Laura’s mouth and touched the tip of the girl’s tongue. Then she pulled Laura’s hair out of its ponytail and threaded her fingers in the thick waves, tugging slightly.

Laura moaned. Her hands gripped Carmilla’s jaw and she pulled the girl on top of her, lips meeting lips in a soft kiss. She hummed into the kiss before pulling away just slightly. “I like this part. Let’s just keep doing this,” she whispered against Carmilla’s lips.

Carmilla chuckled. “I think I could manage that.” She kissed Laura deeply. Dragging her tongue along the girl’s bottom lip, begging for entrance. Laura’s lips parted and their tongues met in a soft dance.

The cold air was finally starting to get to Laura and she shivered under Carmilla. The dark haired girl pulled the blankets up around them and continued kissing across Laura’s jaw and down her neck. She was wet. She was _so_ wet. She wanted to move her hips against Carmilla’s. She wanted to feel that delicious pressure she knew would accompany the movement, but she didn’t want to lead Carmilla on. She wasn’t ready to take it any further, and it would be selfish of her to rile Carmilla up just to leave the girl hanging.

* * *

They made out for the better part of an hour. Finally, it had gotten so cold they had both had to stop to put on their sweats. Laura looked at her cold sheets with a frown.

“Why don’t you just share mine?” Carmilla asked. “At least we could share body heat.”

Laura smiled. “I think I’d like that.” She crawled into Carmilla’s bed and settled with her back against the girl. Carmilla’s arms slipped around her waist and pulled her tightly against the girl’s chest. Laura sighed. She may not be gay, but she was definitely sexual. And she was _definitely_ attracted to Carmilla. Whatever that meant. And it _did_ mean something. It definitely meant something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://hollsteinFF.tumblr.com
> 
> @H0llst3inFF
> 
> Song: Evanescence - Lithium


	3. Bring Me To Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It almost seems like every time they take a step forward, they end up taking a million steps back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild sexual behavior. Also Carmilla being a dick some more. Don't worry, she's not as bad as I paint her out to be in the beginning. Promise.

Carmilla woke up alone. That, in and of itself, wasn’t an odd feeling. She always woke up alone. She made it a point to wake up alone. What was odd was that she was fairly certain she hadn’t fallen asleep alone. Her brows furrowed. She and Laura had fallen asleep together. Her eyes widened. She and Laura had made out last night. She smiled. Laura was totally into her. She’d totally have the girl in bed by the end of camp. Then she could finally get her roommate out of her head, and move on with her life.

So how was she going to accomplish that goal? She couldn’t just keep borderline assaulting Laura until the girl finally gave in. That could backfire _really_ easily.

She had a feeling that Laura was the type of girl who needed some sort of connection with someone before sleeping with them. So what could she do? They were roommates, that obviously wasn’t enough. They were little more than acquaintances. She needed to be Laura’s friend. Friends occasionally slept with each other right? It happened all the time in the movies. She reached for her phone to check the time, it was still dark outside. 3:30 a.m. What the fuck?

She was about to get up and go search for her roommate when she heard the toilet flush. The bathroom door opened and shut again and then Laura was slipping into her own bed. Carmilla frowned. She got out of bed and slipped under Laura’s blankets. Carmilla’s hands immediately sought out the girl, pulling Laura against her and into her arms. “Morning cutie.”

Laura sighed against Carmilla’s neck. “You’re awake.” She’d hoped that the girl would still be asleep. She still had a couple of hours to sleep before she snuck out in the morning to go to the recreation hall. She didn’t want to see her roommate.

Carmilla’s brows furrowed. “Well, yeah. I woke up and you were gone. And it’s cold.” She tightened her grip against Laura. This is what friends did right? “I thought maybe we could get breakfast together.”

Laura frowned. Carmilla was being _nice_ and it was throwing her off. She was trying to process the events of last night and having the girl so close was making it difficult. Carmilla had touched her yesterday. And she’d liked it. They’d made out for hours last night. They’d fallen asleep together. And she’d liked all of it. God, how many Hail Marys did _that_ warrant? She closed her eyes. “Um, okay. I just – have something to do before hand so. I’ll meet you back here at six?”

Things. Laura had things to do. Laura was going to go play piano again. Maybe she could sneak in again and listen. “How about I just meet you outside of the cafeteria?”

“Okay. Can we sleep now? I’m exhausted for some reason.” She turned her back to her roommate and faced the wall. This type of forced interaction with another person was the very reason she didn’t do things like go to summer camp. Why couldn’t she be at home, in her own bed, alone? She felt Carmilla’s arm circle her waist and she sighed again. It wasn’t a bad feeling, just something she wasn’t used to. It was foreign and therefore, it was scary.

“Are you okay?” Carmilla asked. “With everything that happened last night, I mean. I didn’t – I didn’t make you uncomfortable did I?”

Laura sighed – again. Okay, maybe sleep wouldn’t be so easy. Did Carmilla make her uncomfortable? She didn’t really know. There had been no obvious discomfort. In fact, when she thought about it, she’d never really been uncomfortable with much of anything. Besides social interactions in large groups of people – but even that was less discomfort and more anxiety. “It was fine, Carmilla. Sleep now.”

Carmilla smiled and pulled Laura tighter against her chest. She was going to be this girl’s friend. And then Laura was finally going to let her walls down, and they were going to move past second base. She was going to figure this girl out and eventually get her roommate naked and writhing underneath her. If in the process she made Laura feel less unwanted, then that was just an added bonus. Wait until Ell finds out about _this_ little escapade. She’d gotten sort of a demisexual vibe from Laura, and bedding a demisexual would totally put her in the lead of her and her step-sister’s little game.

She took a deep breath. “We’re friends right?”

Laura’s eyes snapped open. _Friends?_ Was that what they were? She didn’t know. She’d never had a friend before, unless she counted Theo. Which – she didn’t. “Um, sure Carmilla. If that’s what you want.”

What an odd answer. Laura was confusing her more and more each day. Who would be friends with someone just because that person wanted it? She pressed her face into Laura’s hair and inhaled deeply. Laura smelled nice. Like vanilla or maybe jasmine. “I do want that,” she whispered. “I really like you, Laura.” 

Laura’s brow furrowed. Carmilla liked her? Carmilla wanted to be her friend? Was she still dreaming? She felt her heart rate pick up and willed her breathing to stay even. The thought of having a friend was making her anxious. What did friends expect from someone? Was she just going to disappoint Carmilla eventually? The girl would find out soon enough that Laura wasn’t good enough to be anyone’s friend…

* * *

When Laura woke up again it was to her phone vibrating in her pocket. Time to get up. She sighed. She carefully unwrapped Carmilla’s arm from around her and crawled out of bed. She slipped outside and made her way to the recreation hall.

She sat down at the piano. Her mind was reeling. Carmilla was her _friend._ She had a friend. Friends were people who willingly chose to be around you, solely because they _wanted_ to be around you. Carmilla _liked_ her. Carmilla liked her and she could feel the walls inside start to crumble around her. It had never happened before. No one had ever shown her that type of companionship. Sure, Theo had wanted her – up until the point where she’d told him she wasn’t ready. The ironic thing was, was that if the boy had asked again, she would have caved. But he hadn’t asked again. He hadn’t gotten mad. He’d just laughed and called her a tease – then never talked to her again. And _that_ had made her feel even more unwanted than before.

But Carmilla was different. Saying _no_ to her roommate last night had been the hardest thing she’d ever done. She wanted to say _yes_ so bad. She would do whatever Carmilla wanted. She’d do anything. Carmilla made her feel wanted. And even after she’d said she wasn’t ready, the girl hadn’t left. Carmilla was still talking to her, wanting to be her _friend._ She’d do anything to keep that. She just hoped it wouldn’t eventually be the final straw that caused everything to come crashing down.

She’d worked through a lot of her insecurities in therapy. She’d gotten better at social interactions. At least one on one interactions. And she wasn’t running for the hills when she had to go to practice with a large group of girls. She had come a long way in the past couple of years. 

Carmilla had asked her about herself. The girl had listened when she talked about her past and Theo. Her roommate had shown empathy when she’d told the girl about how he’d just left. And yes, she’d felt sexual arousal when Carmilla had touched her. So _that_ was new. But also – she’d felt something else. She’d felt the beginnings of a small, fragile connection forming between her and her roommate. Carmilla wanted to be her friend. She could do that, right?

* * *

Carmilla had followed Laura to the recreation hall and hid in her previous spot. Laura was just sitting there staring at the keys this time though. The girl looked completely lost inside her own head. She hoped it wasn’t because of last night. Laura had told her it was fine, but what if the brunette had been lying? What if she’d pushed too far?

Laura’s fingers ghosted across the keys before she began pressing them with purpose. The melody was high and simple. Light. Slow. Almost airy. Then the words came. Her roommate’s face danced in front of her eyes.

 _How can you see into my eyes, like open doors?_  
_Leading you down into my core, where I’ve become so numb._  
_Without a soul, my spirit’s sleeping somewhere cold,_  
_Until you find it there and lead – it – back – home._

Carmilla sat listening. Completely lost in the music, just like the time before. Was Laura singing about _her?_ Did Laura expect her to pull the girl out of whatever darkness she’d fallen into? That was a lot to put on a seventeen year old. She could make her roommate feel wanted. She was confident in that, but could she help mend Laura’s soul? She was less certain about that. Did she even _want_ to try? That really wasn’t part of her plan.

 _Wake me up inside._  
_Wake me up inside._  
_Call my name and save me from the dark._  
_Bid my blood to run,_  
_Before I come undone._  
_Save me from the nothing I’ve become._

Carmilla _had_ already made her blood run. It was like all this time it had been frozen in her veins. Now – she could feel it rushing every time her roommate was near. She could feel it flooding into her face when Carmilla would make an inappropriate comment. She could feel it flooding _other_ places when the girl would touch her in ways that her father would find highly inappropriate. But she couldn’t bring herself to care about what her father would think. Not right at this moment anyway. Maybe later she would feel the guilt that came with this sort of behavior. But right now? All she knew is that she couldn’t give up the feeling that her roommate gave her. But would Carmilla stick around? Would the girl continue to stick around if Laura kept denying Carmilla’s advances?

 _Now that I know what I’m without,_  
_You can’t just leave me._  
_Breathe into me and make me real,_  
_Bring me – to life._

Okay, Laura was definitely singing about her. The girl knew what she’d been living without for so long. Arousal. Sexual attraction. Laura had told her that she’d never felt it before. And now that the girl had felt it, it seemed as if she didn’t want to give it up. Which was a good thing – at least she _thought_ it was a good thing. It could definitely backfire on her at the end of summer camp. The last thing she needed was a stalker.

 _Wake me up inside._  
_Wake me up inside._  
_Call my name and save me from the dark._  
_Bid my blood to run,_  
_Before I come undone._  
_Save me from the nothing I’ve become._

Carmilla had already pulled her out of the darkness. Laura just had to learn to live in the light now. Could she do that? She didn’t know. But it had to be better than the alternative. The feeling she got around the girl was like being alive. It was like she’d been _nothing_ before she’d met her roommate – and now she was something.

 _Frozen inside without your touch,_  
_Without your love, darling._  
_Only you are the life among the dead._  

Love? No one said anything about – _love_. Carmilla’s brows furrowed. Is _that_ what Laura expected from her? Love? She wasn’t even really sure she was capable of that. Could she really let Laura believe that she loved the girl just to get her into bed? It was low – even for her. She loved one person. And only one person. The fact that it just happened to be her bitch of a step-sister didn’t make matters any easier. But Ell had been the only person she’d ever felt anything for beyond sexual attraction. Could she lead Laura on just to win some stupid game? She had a lot to think about.

 _Wake me up inside._  
_Wake me up inside._  
_Call my name and save me from the dark._  
_Bid my blood to run,_  
_Before I come undone._  
_Save me from the nothing I’ve become._

She faded the song out and left the recreation hall. She had to meet Carmilla in a few minutes, and she didn’t want to be late for her _friend_. Her first friend.

* * *

Carmilla made a roundabout way back to the cafeteria so Laura wouldn’t be suspicious. “Hey cutie.” She smiled. “Ready for breakfast?”

Laura gave the girl what she thought was her most genuine smile. “Yeah, I’m starving.” She followed Carmilla into the cafeteria and they both got their meals before sitting down at the table in the corner that Laura usually sat at by herself. She was grateful that Carmilla hadn’t tried to force her to sit with the girls her roommate usually hung out with. Though, when she glanced over at Carmilla’s usual table, a few of the girls were glaring at her. She cringed. She hated confrontation.

“What did I say about protein?” Carmilla asked, looking at the yogurt and fruit that sat on Laura’s tray.

Laura looked down. “It’s fine. I don’t usually get a lot of protein. I’m used to it.”

Carmilla shook her head. “Yeah but do you usually spend three hours a day doing a rigorous workout in 90 degree heat?”

Laura frowned. No, that wasn’t usual for her. “Um. I’m sure I’ll be fine. I told you, they don’t really have a lot of vegetarian protein options here.”

Carmilla’s eyes narrowed. She was going to fix that soon. But there wasn’t a lot she could do about it at the moment. “Okay cupcake. You know your body better than I do – unfortunately.” She winked at the girl.

Laura could feel her cheeks flushing. Was she supposed to comment on things like this now that they were friends? Her anxiety was creeping up. What was a normal response to something like that? She’d just been ignoring her roommate in the past. “Well – um – you know it a little better after last night.”

Carmilla grinned. “I suppose I do.” She stuffed a forkful of scrambled eggs into her mouth. She glanced back and Laura’s tray. Did Laura have an eating disorder? The girl _was_ looking pretty thin. Almost frail even. She was about to try and broach that topic when her phone rang. Weird. She pulled it from her pocket and rolled her eyes. “I’ve got to take this cutie. Family. Be right back okay?"

Laura nodded. Her father hadn’t called her once.

Carmilla made her way out of the cafeteria and answered the call. “What do you want sis?”

_Well that’s no way to talk to the love of your life now is it?_

Carmilla rolled her eyes again. “Don’t flatter yourself, Ell. You’re a bitch. And the only reason you still have my attention is because you’re a _frigid_ bitch and I have the desire to warm you up a little bit.”

_Ah yes, Carmilla. I know all about your desires for me. I’m calling to see how you’re making out in our little game. Have you slept with all the girls at cheer camp yet? Or are you falling behind. Because I’ve made it through all of the boys and over half the girls here at theatre camp._

Carmilla huffed. “I’m not falling behind. There’s only one girl here that is even requiring a little bit of work. And if I snag her before the end of camp, you are _so_ going to lose.”

Ell laughed. _And what makes you think that, dear sister?_

“Step-sister,” Carmilla growled. “Don’t make it weird.”

_Fine, step-sister. What makes you think I’ll lose if you get this one girl?_

Carmilla smirked. “Ell – she’s demisexual.”

Ell gasped. _There’s no way you are going to get a demisexual to sleep with you in three months. You’re good, but you’re not that good. Just admit that I’ve won and accept the fact that you have to sign up for at least_ one _dance class with me at school next year._

“Fuck that,” Carmilla whined. “I’m going to get this girl, and _you’re_ going to have to room with me for the whole year. And then, you’re finally going to give in and admit that you want to fuck me just as much as I want to fuck you.”

Ell laughed. _You really are delusional. The only thing that’s going to be fucked, is you, dear sister. When you lose this game._

Carmilla frowned. She wasn’t going to lose. “Well see about that.” Then she got an idea. “Hey can you send me some things? This camp is seriously lacking in the gourmet food region. And I’ll settle for just about anything that isn’t runny eggs and cold cheeseburgers. Can you send me some of those tuna packets and some peanut butter and maybe like some mixed nuts. I need my protein.”

Ell snorted. _Yeah that’s very gourmet. But sure, I’ll send you a care package. Wouldn’t want you to lose all of those muscles that make that little body of yours so hot._

Carmilla smiled. Ell was totally into her. The girl was just the _queen_ of hard to get. “Thanks sis. Overnight that and I’ll owe you one.” She hung up. There, she’d at least solved Laura’s protein issue.

When she got back to the table, Laura was lost in thought again. And the girl had barely touched her food. “Hey cupcake. You trying to set the floor on fire with the power of your mind or…?”

Laura laughed a little. “Sorry, just thinking.”

Carmilla smiled. “Thinking about what?”

Laura smiled. Then frowned. “Um, about last night actually.”

Carmilla grinned. “Which part?” She wanted Laura to be thinking about her touching the girl. If her roommate couldn’t get that out of her head, it would be much easier to get the girl to act on it.

Laura finally met Carmilla’s stare. “I’ve never told anyone about Theo before,” she stated emotionlessly. “I guess – it’s kind of like a huge weight has been lifted off of my chest.”

Carmilla frowned. Well that wasn’t what she’d expected, but okay. She could work with that. “Well, I’m here if you ever need to talk. About Theo – or anything.”

Laura smiled. She had seriously misjudged her roommate. “Thanks.”

* * *

It was two hours into practice when it happened. Laura felt it coming beforehand, but could do nothing to stop it. Dark spots started dancing across her vision. She could feel her heart pounding in her ears. She’d sweat out most of the water she’d taken in during the day. And her body felt weak. Carmilla had been right. She wasn’t getting enough protein. She reached out to her roommate and grabbed the girl’s arm. She felt dizzy and lightheaded. “Carm? I think…” And then everything went dark.

When she woke up, she was back in her cabin, lying on her bed. There was a damp cloth on her forehead and a cool hand caressing her cheek. Carmilla was at her side, staring at her with concerned eyes. “Please don’t say I told you so.”

Carmilla gave the girl a half smile. “How are you feeling?”

Laura shrugged. “Dizzy. Exhausted. Thirsty.” Her mouth was really dry. “I passed out didn’t I?”

Carmilla nodded. “Hard core. I almost wasn’t able to catch you. Danny was super worried. She wanted to call an ambulance, but I told her that you just hadn’t eaten a lot for breakfast and that you’d be fine once I got some food in you.”

Laura smiled. “Thanks.” Just the thought of having to go to a hospital caused a wave an anxiety to wash through her body. Strangers hovering over her. A tiny room packed with doctors all staring at her and trying to figure her out. She shuddered. “I appreciate that. I don’t like hospitals.”

Carmilla opened the bottle of water sitting beside her and handed it to Laura. "You’re probably a little dehydrated. You should drink as much of that as you can. I have a few more, just in case.” She watched Laura’s throat as the girl drank the water. The way the muscles in her roommate’s neck flexed and shifted as the girl drank was kind of turning her on. God she needed to get laid. But she couldn’t just bring a girl back to her cabin. That would seriously set her back with Laura. She could wait it out. Laura was the real goal anyway. “You had me worried there for a second.” She smirked. “Thought I was going to have to give you mouth to mouth in front of all of those cheerleaders.”

Laura choked on the water. She felt her face flush as she tried to breathe normally again. “Yeah can you _not_ say things like that when I’m drinking?” The thought of Carmilla’s lips on hers was giving her that warm feeling in her stomach. She wouldn’t mind feeling that again. But – did friends do that? She knew she was lacking knowledge in that area, but she was fairly certain that friends didn’t just make out with each other. And Carmilla had said she wanted to be friends. Maybe that meant the girl didn’t want to kiss her again. She felt slightly panicked. Did she already screw up? Did Carmilla not want her?

Carmilla watched Laura’s face turn from amused to slightly panicky. She squeezed the girl’s arm to halt whatever train of thought had Laura going into crazy mode. “Hey, what do you say I fire up my laptop and we spend the rest of the day watching movies?”

Laura nodded. The gentle pressure of Carmilla’s fingers against her forearm was causing the panic to recede. “That sounds nice.” She paused. She wanted Carmilla close to her. She wanted to feel the girl against her. But she didn’t really know how to ask for that. So she scooted over in her bed, giving the girl room to climb it.

Laura’s invitation surprised her, but she grabbed her laptop and slid into bed beside the girl. The side of her body was pressed against Laura’s. She scrolled through her movies and was seriously questioning why she only had lesbian films until the thought hit her that maybe watching one of the steamier ones would get her closer to her goal.

Carmilla waited. Fifteen minutes into the movie she put her hand on Laura’s thigh. She watched the girl out of the corner of her eye as Laura’s eyes squeezed shut for a second before reopening and focusing on the computer screen.

Laura stared at the computer. She had no clue what was happening in the movie. All she could feel was Carmilla’s hand burning against her thigh. Her roommate knew her secret. Carmilla knew about Theo. The girl was going to use that information to get exactly what Theo had gotten. A little piece of her. Her body. Nothing special. She’d just thought Carmilla was different. The girl’s hand squeezed her leg and started moving slowly, back and forth. “You can. If you want to,” she whispered.

Carmilla blinked slowly before turning to look at Laura. “I can what?”

Laura swallowed hard. She could do this. If this is what it took to keep Carmilla interested in her. If this is what it took to keep her only friend. “You can – um – touch me. I know you want m – um – I know you want to. And it’s okay. You can. If you want to.”

Carmilla let out a little chuckle. Laura was basically offering herself up on a silver platter. This is what she wanted, but it was too soon. Laura was only doing it because she thought that’s what Carmilla expected. First she had to prove the girl wrong, she had to prove that she wasn’t like Theo. She gave the girl’s thigh a firm squeeze, then leaned over and kissed Laura’s temple. “I would love nothing more than to touch you Laura. But I like this. This is nice.”

Laura blinked. That wasn’t what she was expecting. She smiled at her roommate before leaning her body further into Carmilla’s. She rested her head on the girl’s shoulder. “Okay,” she whispered.

When the movie got to the first sex scene, Carmilla felt Laura tense up. The girl’s thighs pressed together and Laura shifted against her. She heard the brunette swallow. She moved her thumb in a circle on Laura’s thigh, soothing the girl. “Are your legs falling asleep?”

Laura let out a breathy laugh. Nothing on her body was falling asleep. Quite the opposite actually. “Um – no I’m fine.” The movie was erotic in more ways than one. It excited her senses. That two people could fall madly in love with each other in such a short period of time. That someone could go for so long without feeling any sort of passion, and then just – with the slightest touch of another person’s hand – just come _alive_. Carmilla could make her come alive. She knew that. But at what cost?

She stared at the girl’s hand on her thigh. It could happen. She could let it happen. She could spread her legs apart and guide Carmilla’s hand. She could feel that passion she knew the girl would give her. She could finally feel the _release_ that she’d read about and heard about. She could let it happen. It didn’t have to mean anything. Except it did. It _did_ have to mean something. That was the problem. She needed to feel more than just touch. Touch obviously only got her so far. If she was going to let this happen, she had to open herself to her roommate fully. And at what cost?

She knew that Carmilla didn’t do relationships. She knew that Carmilla would probably leave her afterward. She knew her roommate only wanted one thing. What would the price be, for passion? Would it cost her the remaining sanity she had? Would it discount all of the work she’d done on herself to get her this far? She was finally talking to someone. Finally having a normal conversation and physical intimacy. And it didn’t feel wrong. It felt right. So right. Would she lose that?

Carmilla could just about _hear_ Laura’s thoughts. The girl seemed on the verge of either a breakdown or an epiphany. She gave Laura’s thigh a firm squeeze. “If you keep thinking so hard you’re going to have smoke coming out of your ears soon.”

Laura sighed. “I – sorry…”

Carmilla’s brows furrowed. “What on earth are you sorry for?”

Laura looked back at the screen. The two women were naked and locked in a lover’s embrace. “I’m making you miss the best part, I’m sure.”

Carmilla chuckled. “Oh cupcake. The best part isn’t when they have sex. It comes later. When they realize what they’ve been missing all this time.”

Laura sucked in a breath. Is that really what Carmilla thought? Maybe there _was_ more to her roommate than she’d previously thought. She stared at Carmilla’s hand on her thigh again. She let out the breath and laid her hand on top of the girl’s. “Carm?” she whispered. She parted her thighs just slightly. “Will you – I mean – um – I want…” What did she want? She didn’t really have a clue.

Carmilla stared down at their hands. She watched Laura part her thighs. She took a deep breath. “What do you want, Laura?” she purred. She had an idea of what the girl wanted, but it wouldn’t do her any good to jump to conclusions.

Laura squeezed her eyes shut. She could do this. It would be worth it, no matter what the cost. She could do this. It was a step forward. And the closest she had ever been to actually _wanting_ it. “I don’t – I mean – I think – I want…” She shook her head to clear her thoughts. “I…” She swallowed hard, trying to push her thundering heart _out_ of her throat and back in her chest where it belonged. She couldn’t say it. So she dragged Carmilla’s hand up toward her throbbing core.

Carmilla allowed Laura to push her fingers against the seam of the girl’s shorts. She didn’t move. Not one finger. Not so much as a twitch. She let Laura’s hand guide hers until she was gently cupping the girl’s pussy through her shorts. Laura was _hot_. There was heat radiating against her hand. She looked up and saw that her roommate still had her eyes tightly shut. Laura was forcing this. She could tell. The girl was forcing herself into this situation and Carmilla couldn’t for the life of her figure out _why_. “Laura?”

Laura’s eyes fluttered open and met Carmilla’s gaze. ”I want this,” she whispered.

Carmilla searched the girl’s face. “Are you sure? Because you look like you’re on the verge of a panic attack right now.” She didn’t want the girl passing out on her. That was all. That _had_ to be the only reason she was turning Laura down. It had to be. She couldn’t think of another plausible reason.

Laura nodded. She took a deep breath. “I’m sure. I – think? No. I’m sure. I want – I want you to touch me. I want to _feel_ something.”

Carmilla narrowed her eyes. Feel something? Okay, so Laura was a virgin. She got that. But was this girl seriously trying to tell her that she’d _never_ been aroused before? She'd admit that she hadn't really believed her roommate when the girl had previously mentioned never being turned on. Had Laura seriously _never_ had an orgasm? “Laura,” she whispered. “I need you to be sure. I don’t want you to regret anything. We still have to live with each other for another month.”

Laura was starting to reconsider everything. Did Carmilla not _want_ to? Had she read the situation all wrong? Oh god. What if Carmilla didn’t actually want to touch her? “Um – you know what – forget it. Never mind. This was stupid.” She let go of the girl’s hand, but Carmilla made no move to pull away. Her roommate’s hand continued to just rest gently against her. Unmoving. What did it _mean?_

Carmilla turned off the movie and set the laptop aside. “Tell me how Theo touched you.”

Laura brows furrowed. They were back to this? How had they gotten back to this? “Um – I don’t… Why is that necessary?”

Carmilla chuckled. “It’s not necessary. But indulge me.” She tightened her grip against Laura’s pussy and heard the girl gasp softly. Laura wanted to be awakened inside. It was going to take more than a little over-the-shorts rubbing. “Tell me how it all started. I’m sure he didn’t just ask you to the movies and then feel you up, right?”

Laura let out another breath. “No. That definitely wasn’t how it started.” She cringed at the thought. Was that how Carmilla started things? The thought of an absolute stranger touching her made her a little sick to her stomach. “Um we went to school together. He was in my anatomy class.” Carmilla’s fingers pressed against her and she paused to take in another deep breath.

“Go on,” Carmilla purred.

“Um – one day I was walking to my desk and he was telling some story to his friends. He was using his hands a lot and when I walked by he accidentally slapped my ass.”

Carmilla chuckled. “Accidentally. I’m sure.”

Laura shook her head. “No it was a complete accident. He literally froze in place and stared at me like I was about to slap him. He apologized right away and I kind of just stood there. I really don’t like confrontation, so I didn’t know what to do. I just kind of shrugged and told him it was fine.”

She shrugged. “I caught him staring at me a lot after that. And then I noticed he made a habit of brushing up against me when I was at my locker. He’d be walking by and the back of his hand would just graze my butt. I never said anything, so he got bolder. Eventually we started talking. I got to know him pretty well. He was actually really sweet. He’d bring me flowers and open doors for me. All of the things that I heard were supposed to happen in relationships. I got – comfortable with him. And his subtle touches. One day he came into my practice room when I was playing after school. I didn’t even notice he was there for a few minutes. When I did, he didn’t say anything. He just walked behind me and started massaging my shoulders. It felt really good. I always carry a lot of tension in my shoulders because of piano.”

Carmilla’s hand slipped from between Laura’s legs and she slid in back behind the girl. Her fingers began to massage her roommate’s shoulders. The girl wasn’t lying. Laura’s shoulders were super tense.

Laura moaned at the feeling of release as Carmilla kneaded at her tight muscles. “God that feels amazing.”

Carmilla smiled. “What did he do after that?”

Laura shifted under her roommate’s touch. It felt weird to be talking about Theo when Carmilla’s fingers were moving against her, but the girl had asked and it was something she could do without feeling her anxiety creep up. Relating a story to someone – even about this topic – was far less terrifying than the actual event itself. “His thumbs kept working on my shoulders, but his fingers slid into the collar of my shirt and just rested against the top of my breasts. He asked me to play something for him, so I did, and while I played, his fingers slipped into my bra and cupped me. He gave up the ruse of a massage and just palmed my breasts after I didn’t tell him to stop.”

Carmilla slipped her hands down the front of Laura’s shirt and into the girl’s bra. She cupped Laura’s breasts gently. She could feel the girl’s nipples against her palms. They were just starting to tighten and harden against her touch.

Laura whimpered. “He slid on the bench behind me and put his hands up my shirt from the bottom, he just continued to knead at my breasts. Then he started to play with my nipples with his fingers. He rolled them between his fingers and tugged on them until they were hard.”

Carmilla’s fingers sought out Laura’s nipples and rolled them between her thumb and forefinger, tugging slightly, feeling the little buds harden under her touch. Then she cupped Laura’s breasts again and just let her palms brush against the hardened nubs.

“Oh god,” Laura gasped. “That was – that was how it started.” She covered Carmilla’s hands with her own. “He came into my practice room every day after school. And he would touch me in different places. Sometimes he would just sit behind me and kiss my neck while I played. Other times his hands would get more creative.” She felt Carmilla’s lips against her neck. “And then one time he asked me why I never stopped him.” Laura blinked her eyes open. “I told him it had never really occurred to me that I could stop him.” She remembered Theo’s face at her words. It was a mix of confusion and what she thought was maybe pity. He’d kissed her forehead, then her lips. He’d whispered _you’re perfect_ against her mouth and she’d never felt so _visible_ before in her life. “Then eventually he worked up enough courage to slip his hand in between my legs as I played for him. That was the first time he’d ever touched me _there_. His fingers were trembling and he looked just as scared as I felt, so I let him.”

Carmilla’s hand slipped between Laura’s legs and she gently rubbed against the girl. She felt Laura take a shuddering breath. “So tell me about the time you let him put his mouth on you. What did he do? Did he just lick at your panties, or did he prod at you with is tongue. Or maybe he just kissed you through the fabric.”

Laura shook her head. “I still really don’t get why this is relevant at all, Carm.”

“I’m just trying to figure you out cutie,” Carmilla whispered into Laura’s ear.

“There’s nothing to figure out. And why would that help you anyway? He was just a guy who showed interest in me.”

“I’ve shown interest in you, and you haven’t let _me_ tongue you through your panties,” Carmilla purred.

Laura frowned. Would Carmilla leave her and move on to someone else if she told the girl _no_? Her roommate was the only person at this camp she talked to. Carmilla was the only person that had even shown any interest in her at all. Could she really risk losing the girl because of some silly thing like _touching?_ She didn’t mind being touched. If that was what it would take to make the girl stick around, she could handle that. The alternative would be to fall back into that lonely place she’d been when she’d gotten to camp.

She didn’t want to go back to that place. She’d finally made some sort of connection. The first one in years. She couldn’t just give it up now because of her insecurities. Carmilla wanted something from her. Or at least, she thought the girl maybe wanted her. She’d never actually heard Carmilla say the words. But maybe?

“You’ve never tried to put your face in between my legs, Carm.” God, she hoped that was just enough to keep the girl around, without being so much as an invitation to do just that.

Carmilla’s eyes widened. “You’re telling me…” she slid out from behind her roommate and pushed Laura back against the bed, crawling on top of the girl. “That all I had to do was press my mouth against you…” she pressed her open mouth against the seam of Laura’s shorts and breathed hot air onto the girl’s pussy.

Laura shut her eyes tightly. Yeah, she’d definitely just given an invitation. And now Carmilla’s mouth was pressed against her and it felt so good and so wrong all at the same time. What would her father think? What did this mean? If she let Carmilla do this, did that make her gay? Did it make her a slut? Was Carmilla just going to discard her afterward like the girl did everyone else? But if she _didn’t_ let her roommate do it, was the girl going to lose interest? She felt her heart begin to race. It wasn’t from the feeling of Carmilla’s mouth. It was the anxiety of not being able to make a decision. She knew this feeling intimately. Lesser of two evils. Stick with what you know. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. What do you know?

She knew she wasn’t ready. “Please don’t,” she whispered even as her hips pushed up toward Carmilla’s face. She bit her lip, but only halfway caught the moan that escaped.

Carmilla looked up at Laura through thick lashes. “I’m getting mixed signals here cupcake,” she teased. “You’re asking me not to, but chasing my mouth with your hips. God I want…”

Laura’s eyes went wide. _Want what?! What do you want?! Do you want me?_ Laura’s mind was screaming at the pause in the girl’s words. Did Carmilla want her? Was she _finally_ wanted?

“I want to taste you so bad,” Carmilla purred.

Oh. Of course. Carmilla didn’t want Laura, per se. She just wanted Laura’s body. Why did everyone want her body? What made her body so desirable? And why was the rest of her so repulsive?

“If I – if I let you taste me, do you promise not to push me to go further? I can't say no to you. You have to promise me that you're going to stop. Do you promise?” she asked hesitantly. She didn’t want to lose Carmilla. In the few short weeks they’d known each other, she’d become slightly dependent on the girl’s strange sort of affection. She felt less invisible around Carmilla. She felt desired. Almost – _wanted_.

Carmilla’s eyes went wide. She looked up at Laura trying to gauge the girl’s face for any sort of teasing. Laura looked scared and uncertain, hesitant, but nothing on the girl’s face told Carmilla that Laura was joking. Was this really about to happen? “God please, Laura. I promise I won’t push you to go any further tonight.” She pressed her nose into the girl, inhaling deeply. “I can smell how wet you are. It’s coating the back of my throat and I just want to _taste…_ ”

She watched Laura shut her eyes tightly. The girl’s brows pinched together as if she were making a life or death decision. Finally the girl nodded. Laura pushed her shorts down and off of her legs, leaving the girl in nothing but her panties.

Carmilla instantly pressed her mouth back against Laura and began to tongue at the girl through her panties. She could just barely taste the girl through the fabric. Theo had been right. Laura tasted amazing. She wanted more. She wanted so much more, but, when her father had been alive, he’d always told her that beggars couldn’t be choosers. And she had just _begged_ Laura to let her taste. And Laura had said _yes_. Her mind was still reeling.

“Wait,” Laura gasped, threading her fingers in Carmilla’s hair and pulling the girl’s mouth away from her. Carmilla looked up at her with wide, frightened eyes. “I told you that you could taste me, Carm. I meant it.” She closed her eyes and bit her lip. Her fingers dipped under the crotch of her panties.

Carmilla licked her lips, tasting the girl’s arousal. Her eyes went wide. “Wait, you meant…”

Laura nodded. “Just, give me a second.” She took a deep breath, steeling her nerves. Then she pulled the crotch of her panties to the side, revealing herself to someone for the first time. “Ten seconds. You have ten seconds to taste. And then we’re going to bed.”

Carmilla stared at Laura’s damp, swollen pussy. The outer lips were flushed and puffy with desire. The inner ones were a much darker shade of pink, and they were tucked neatly between the damp flesh surrounding them. Laura’s clit was completely hidden from view, nestled into the safety of its hood.

“Go on Carm. This is what you want isn’t it?” Laura whispered. The anxiety of the situation was starting to creep up on her. If Carmilla didn’t’ get this over with soon, she was going to have a panic attack.

Carmilla leaned in. This _was_ what she wanted. She wanted it so bad. She paused. But was it what Laura wanted? Her brows furrowed. “I can’t,” she whispered. Laura was just doing this because she’d asked for it, not because the girl actually wanted it. It wasn’t right.

 _Rejection_. Laura had been rejected. She’d offered up a part of herself that no one else had ever had, and she’d been rejected. Her heart sank inside of her. It felt like a weight was placed on her chest making it hard to breathe. She was panicking, she knew. There was no way she could stop it though. “Get off,” she pushed at Carmilla’s shoulder. “Get off of me!” she shouted.

Carmilla immediately realized her error. She’d made Laura feel unwanted. “Wait, Laura, that’s not what I meant.”

Laura pushed her roommate away. “Get off of me Carmilla. Now!” she growled.

Carmilla pushed back even harder. “No,” she shouted back. She pushed Laura’s hands into the mattress above the girl’s head, settling her weight forward and pinning the brunette in place. “Not until you listen to me.”

Laura continued to struggle. She was going to pass out. She could already start to see her vision tunneling. “Off! Get off!”

“What do _you_ want Laura?” Carmilla asked desperately.

Laura shook her head. “I want you _off_ of me,” Laura pleaded.

“That’s not what I meant! Laura I asked you if I could taste you. And you agreed, but did you really want it? Or were you just agreeing because _I_ wanted it?”

Laura stilled. What kind of question was that? What did it matter? “I – I don’t – why does that matter?”

Carmilla balked. “Why does it – Laura seriously? Of course it matters. You can’t just do whatever someone wants you to do. You have to – I don’t know – you have to stand up for yourself.”

Laura shook her head. “I can’t,” she whispered. “I can’t handle conflict. It terrifies me.” She was breathing too quickly. She was on the verge of a panic attack. She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. “My whole life, all I’ve ever heard is _do as you’re told_ and I have. I’ve tried so hard to be perfect – for everyone – and the few times I’ve done otherwise they left. They always leave. Why does everyone always leave?” Her eyes were blurry with her tears. She blinked them away, but just cause them to roll down her cheeks. “I don’t want you to leave…”

Carmilla stared at the girl with her mouth hanging wide open. Laura was _damaged_. Severely. She was starting to think that her roommate might actually have some sort of mental disorder. She pulled the girl against her, cradling Laura to her chest. “I’m not going anywhere, Laura.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://hollsteinFF.tumblr.com
> 
> @H0llst3inFF
> 
> Song: Evanescence - Bring Me to Life


	4. Lesson Learned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the last week of camp and Carmilla and Laura have fallen into somewhat of a strange friendship. Neither of them want the summer to end, but one careless mistake could bring all of their work crashing down around them...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We explore a little bit further into Carmilla's history in this chapter. Enjoy :)

Ell dialed the number she had gotten from the administration office of Styria Cheer Camp. Lola Perry had been most helpful. She grinned. She was _not_ losing this game. When a tired voice answered on the other line her smirk widened. “Danny Lawrence? Hi this is Ell Morgan. My sister is attending Styria Cheer Camp and we were slightly worried because we got a call from her asking for some items. You know her? Carmilla Karnstein?”

_Karnstein? Yeah I know her._

She could tell from the girl’s voice that Danny Lawrence despised her step-sister. Good. That’s what she was counting on. “Listen, is she staying out of trouble?”

_I guess that depends on your definition of trouble. She’s been making her way through the entire camp. If you know what I mean._

“That sounds about right, yeah. Well, she’d asked me to send her some things. It just sounded odd. She said the camp was lacking in a protein rich diet. We were just concerned that maybe the girls weren’t getting the proper nutrition they needed.”

Danny scoffed. _Your sister gets more than enough protein. She probably had you send it for her roommate, Laura. She’s a vegetarian or something. She passed out the other day at practice because she wasn’t eating properly._

Ell’s eyebrows rose. Laura huh? Why would Carmilla go out of her way to help someone? Laura must be the demisexual girl. God her sister was so predictable. “Hmm, well okay. I guess that makes more sense. I was just worried. I see now that I have no reason to be. Thanks for your help Danny." 

She ended the call. If she knew her step-sister – which she did – Carmilla would just give Laura the entire box of goodies and let the girl do with it what she would. She pulled out of piece of paper and a pen and began to write.

* * *

Laura woke up to the feeling of a warm body next to her. Carmilla was still in her bed. She was in the girl’s arms and her face was pressed against her roommate’s chest. She took a deep breath. How was she supposed to get out of _this_ without waking Carmilla up? The events of the night before came crashing down on her. She’d basically had a breakdown in front of her roommate, and instead of running for the hills – like most people would have done – Carmilla had pulled Laura into her arms and comforted her. It was confusing because it didn’t fit the image of the girl that Laura had in her head.

She’d given up too much last night. She’d been slowly giving away pieces of herself to this girl, and last night, she’d almost given Carmilla everything. She squeezed her eyes shut. It had been easy to deal with this type of confrontation on the medications she was taking. She supposed she’d still been riding the high of those pills when she’d first gotten to camp, that’s why conflict with Carmilla had been so easy at first. But now?

Why had she thought she didn’t need the pills? Why had she left them tucked into a drawer of her dresser at home? She’d almost let Carmilla go down on her for Christ’s sake, all to avoid having to tell the girl – again – that she wasn’t ready. But that was just it. She felt ready. She _wanted_ Carmilla to touch her. She wanted to go further than she’d ever gone before – with anyone. She wanted her roommate to be the person who would finally give her that release. If anyone could do it, it was going to be Carmilla. So why had she freaked out? Oh right, Carmilla had rejected her. And she had handled _that_ situation extremely well – yelling at the girl and crying on her roommate’s shoulder. Awesome. She was fooling herself if she thought for one second that she didn’t need those pills.

What would happen if her roommate kept pushing? She knew exactly what would happen. She’d give it all away. She’d give up herself. She could already feel herself growing dependent on her roommate for affection. For validation. She didn’t want to depend on anyone. She wanted to feel validated on her own. She wanted to be able to let go with Carmilla for the right reasons. Not because she felt like she had to, or because she thought that’s what she was supposed to do, but because they wanted each other so badly that they couldn’t stop their actions. She wanted Carmilla’s hands on her without anything holding them back – like her stupid fucking insecurities. Maybe the doctors had been right all along. Maybe her father had been right. Why had she been so stupid?

She slowly untangled herself from Carmilla’s body. She had to get away from the girl. She snuck into the recreation hall and sat down in her usual spot. It was around 10:00 p.m. back home, her father should still be awake. But could she really have this conversation with him? What was he going to think? God he was going to be so angry with her. She frowned, but hit the call button anyway.

“Hey daddy, I didn’t wake you did I?” 

_Not hardly Laur, I’ve been at the office since five this morning. Was just getting ready to head home. How’s camp? Making any friends?_

* * *

Carmilla followed Laura once again. She snuck in and hid in her usual place. Today was different. Laura wasn’t playing piano. The girl was on the phone. Carmilla could just barely make out what her roommate was saying.

“You work too hard dad,” Laura said, only half jokingly. “Camp is going better than expected. I – um – I made a couple of friends.” It was only a half-lie. She’d made one friend. She thought. She was still up in the air on what exactly Carmilla wanted from her.

_That’s great Laura! I knew you just needed to get out there again and give it a real effort. I’m proud of you baby. I know you think that I was being overprotective when I sent you to Doctor Lane, but you have to admit, those medications have been making it easier on you._

Laura cringed. “Yeah dad, about that. Please don’t get mad at me.”

_Why would I be mad at you Laur?_

Laura closed her eyes. Shit was about to hit the fan. “I – um – well – I kind of left my medication at home. In my dresser. And at first it was fine, but now, I think I’m starting to realize that you were right. I do need it. Can you maybe send it to me?”

Carmilla’s eyes widened. Laura was on medication? Okay, so she sort of already knew that, but when Laura had been singing about it, the girl had made it seem like it was something that was in the distant past – something she didn’t need anymore – but still wanted occasionally. Laura was frowning. Her dad must not be too happy about the girl leaving her meds at home.

_Laura you know it’s not going to work if you don’t take it regularly. We’ve talked about this. Those kinds of medications can have serious withdrawal symptoms. Are you okay? I can’t believe you let this go for an entire two months. How stupid could you be? I get that you think you’re in control of everything, but you’re not, and this stunt just proves that._

Laura could feel the hot sting of tears in her eyes. She’d let her father down – again. It was becoming a habit. “I’m sorry daddy. I know I was stupid. I just thought – I don’t know. I thought that if I could prove to myself that I was in control, then you wouldn’t think I was broken anymore.” The tears rolled down her cheeks, dripping onto the keys below her.

Carmilla frowned. What had Laura’s father said to get _that_ reaction out of the girl? Had that man seriously just called his own daughter stupid? Her blood was starting to boil.

Laura sniffled. “I don’t want to be on medication for the rest of my life, dad. I want to be able to function like a normal person. With normal thoughts. And normal reactions to situations.”

_Laura, I know you do, but that’s not the case right now. Doctor Lane told you that with time and therapy that you could beat this. You just have to have faith in the treatment. And you have to actually follow it. You can’t pull another stunt like this Laura. How am I supposed to let you go off to a boarding school across the world if I can’t even trust you to go to a three month summer camp? We’re seriously going to have to talk about Silas when you get home. Right now, I don’t think I trust you enough to let you go._

Her world was crashing down. “No! Dad, please! I promise I’ll take it. I promise I’ll do everything I’m told. Please don’t take this away from me. I’ve worked so hard. Please.”

Carmilla watched Laura’s face completely crumple. What was her roommate’s dad coercing the girl with? Laura made it sound like the man was threatening to chain her in the basement or something. It hit her then. The arts junior college that Laura had been so adamant at the beginning of the summer that she attend. Laura’s father was threatening to not let the girl go. What a dick.

_We’ll talk about it when you get home Laura. If you can prove to me that I can trust you to do as you’re told, then Silas will still be an option. Okay? I’ll have my secretary overnight your meds to you. Take them. Now I have to go honey, I have to get through the rest of these emails before heading home._

Laura nodded her head furiously, even though the man couldn’t see her. “I promise. I’ll do everything I’m told. I swear. I’ll take the medication. I’ll make you proud. You can trust me daddy. Please trust me,” Laura begged. She heard the click of the line ending before she could tell her father that she loved him. It wouldn’t do any good anyway. The man hadn’t said it back – ever. Laura was just an anchor, dragging him down.

Her father was the CEO of Hollis Industries. She didn’t tell anyone that, because once, in eighth grade someone had found out, and the next day she’d been surrounded by people. She’d had a panic attack and had to transfer schools. Plus, she’d never wanted to be one of those rich stuck up brats that she’d gone to grade school with. She wanted to go unnoticed most of the time. She definitely didn’t want cameras following her around and trying to catch her doing something stupid.

She pressed her fingers against the keys and lost herself in the music for a while. There were no lyrics to this piece – not yet. It was something that was uplifting, and she hadn’t felt very uplifted for the past few years. But the music soothed her.

“Knock knock,” Carmilla called out. She was tired of hiding in the shadows. Laura looked up and met her eyes.

“What are you doing here?” Laura asked hesitantly. This was _her_ space. This was her safe haven, away from everyone else, and it had been invaded. Her heart rate was speeding up. She swallowed hard.

“There’s only so many times a girl can wake up in an empty room before she gets curious,” Carmilla responded. “You’ve been sneaking in here for a month, Laura.”

Laura balked. “You followed me?” She felt slightly betrayed. How much had Carmilla heard? What did her roommate think of her? God, she’d basically been bleeding her heart out all over these piano keys. Had Carmilla _heard_ that?

Carmilla frowned. “I got worried. So yeah, I followed you. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude. I just – I don’t know – I didn’t want you to go off and – do something.”

Laura shook her head. “Do something? Like what? Play piano? Heaven help me, the strings are probably going to come alive and strangle me.” She didn’t _need_ Carmilla to worry about her. Her father did that enough. She was perfectly capable of taking care of herself.

“That’s not what I meant.” Carmilla shook her head. “Whatever, that’s not why I’m here.” She stepped forward and out of the shadows.

Laura noticed the guitar case in Carmilla’s hand. “What’s with the guitar?”

Carmilla grinned. “I wanted to play you something.” She frowned. “I felt bad because I – um – I heard you playing before and I – I felt like maybe this would make up for the invasion of privacy.”

Laura studied her roommate’s face. Carmilla seemed sincere. She wondered what the girl had heard her playing. With any luck, Carmilla had just heard her stumbling over _Gaspard de la nuit_ or maybe just the song from earlier. “Okay,” she said calmly.

Carmilla walked up to the piano and pulled up a chair. She sat down in front of Laura and pulled out her guitar. She made sure it was tuned before setting in on a slow picking pattern.

Laura watched her roommate’s fingers move over the frets to form the chords. Carmilla’s left hand was picking at the strings so easily – making it look as if it were nothing at all. But when the girl started singing that was when Laura knew that she was being let in on some secret part of Carmilla.

 _Well the truth it fell so heavy._  
_Like a hammer through the room._  
_That I could choose another over her._  
_You always said I was an actor, baby._  
_Guess in truth you thought me just an amateur._

This was taking a leap, Carmilla knew. But maybe it would be worth it. Maybe Laura wouldn’t read too much into the lyrics of the song. Maybe her roommate would just get lost in the music like all the other girls she’d played for. It was a stretch. Laura wasn’t like any girl she had ever met before. Laura was pensive and careful. The girl never let anything slip past her. Carmilla knew that Laura was incredibly smart. She just hoped that her roommate wouldn’t dig deep enough to understand.

 _That you never saw the signs._  
_That you never lost your grip._  
_Oh, come on now._  
_That’s such a childish claim._  
_Now I wear the brand of traitor._  
_Don’t it seem a bit absurd._  
_When it’s clear I was so obviously framed._  
_When it’s clear I was so obviously framed._

Laura listened intently as Carmilla sang. What had the girl been framed for? Obviously it was a metaphor. She didn’t seriously think Carmilla had been framed for some kind of criminal act. But then, who had accused the girl of something so bad that it would leave Carmilla feeling like a traitor?

 _Now you act so surprised._  
_To hear what you already know._  
_And all you really had to do was ask._  
_I’d have told you straight away._  
_All those lies were truth._  
_And all that was false was fact._

So Carmilla was a liar. The girl had lied about _something_ and it had caught up with her. Or maybe there were lies that were being spread about the girl, and Carmilla had just never said otherwise. Either way, Carmilla had hurt someone. Badly. And the girl didn’t seem very apologetic for it. What did that say about her roommate?

 _Now you hold me close and hard._  
_But I was like a statue at most._  
_Refusing to acknowledge you’d been hurt._  
_Now you’re clawing at my throat._  
_And you’re crying all is lost._  
_But your tears they felt so hot upon my shirt._  
_But your tears they felt so hot upon my shirt._

Carmilla could still picture it. Ell blaming her for their parents getting married. Carmilla had just thought it would be a good idea for all of them to sit down and have a nice family dinner. Her mom meeting her girlfriend’s father. That didn’t seem like a bad idea at the time. Months later Ell was crying against her chest, blaming her for the fact that they couldn’t be together because there were _sisters_. Carmilla hadn’t meant for their parents to fall in love with each other. It just happened. And maybe it wouldn’t have happened if they’d just _told_ their parents that they were together. But coming out to her mom at the time seemed like the most frightening thing in the world, so she’d begged Ell not to say anything. And then it had all gone to shit.

After that, Ell had changed. The girl had become a shallow, manipulative bitch. The Karnstein family wealth had corrupted the love of her life. The love of her life – who was now her fucking step-sister. Of all of the fucked up things that could happen. But at least her mother was happy. Her mom deserved to be happy. She was the best person Carmilla knew.

The passion she’d felt for Ell never went away though. And it left her feeling guilty every second of every day. She’d let that guilt eat away at her for years. One night, she’d confessed to her step-sister that the feelings were still there. Ell had led her on like a fucking puppy at a dog show. Carmilla had become the girl’s first conquest. And her step-sister had left her a broken mess. She vowed to herself that day that she would _never_ allow anyone else to have so much control over her. She’d become a statue. Cold and hard.

 _Well the truth it fell so heavy._  
_Like a hammer through the room._  
_That I could choose another over her._  
_You always said I was an actor, baby._  
_Guess in truth you thought me just an amateur._

Laura watched Carmilla’s face shift from the carefree smile of a girl doing something she loved, to the face of someone feeling such anguish that she was surprised the girl wasn’t breaking under the weight of the words. What truth was so heavy that it could break someone so completely? And why was Carmilla trying so hard to act like nothing was wrong?

 _Was it you who told me once._  
_Now looking back it seems so real._  
_That all our mistakes are merely grist for the mill._  
_So why is it now after I had my fill._  
_That you steal from me the sorrow that I’ve earned?_  
_Shall we call this a lesson learned?_  
_Shall we call this a lesson learned?_

Carmilla felt like she had _earned_ the sorrow she was feeling? Laura wanted to pull the girl into her arms and hold her. She knew how that felt. She knew that she’d earned her sorrow as well. So her roommate had learned a lesson. Apparently that lesson had been to never allow anyone else to see the truth. The truth that the girl was in pain. The truth that Carmilla _did_ have a heart and it _could_ be broken. Laura never wanted to be the person that caused Carmilla any more pain.

Carmilla faded the song out and sat there, holding her guitar, not looking up. Maybe this was a bad idea. She finally met Laura’s eyes and the girl was looking at her like her skin had been stripped away and Laura could see the shredded fabric of her soul. She knew that Laura was too smart to miss the undertones. Laura knew music. Laura knew what to look for in between the chords and harmonies. Laura was some kind of musical _prodigy_ for God’s sake. Why had she ever thought that this was a good idea?

Laura blinked. “Carm, that was amazing.” She shook her head. “I don’t even know what to say. Thank you. Thank you for letting me witness that.”

Carmilla gave the girl a half-smile. Laura wasn’t going to dig. For that, she was grateful. She felt the connection with her roommate grow. She didn’t like it, but she couldn’t do anything to stop it. Not anymore. It was too late. It had probably been too late the moment she’d met the girl. She put her guitar back in its case. “I’ll meet you at the caf for breakfast? Just got to drop off the guitar.” 

Laura nodded. “I’ll save you a seat.”

* * *

Carmilla dropped off her guitar and made a trip to the administration building. Perry was inside dusting away at what looked like the cleanest desk in the history of clean desks. “Hey Perry, did I get a package this morning?”

Perry looked up, surprised to see someone so early. “Oh! Yes, you did. It came very early. I put it in the back. Just a moment.”

The girl vanished into the back room and reemerged with a large box. “Here you go.”

Carmilla smiled. “Thanks Perry.” She headed to the cafeteria with her box in tow. Laura had already sat down with her breakfast. God, this girl would starve to death if it weren’t for her. She grinned at her roommate. “Yogurt and fruit. I thought you’d learned your lesson.”

Laura looked up sheepishly. “I mean, yeah but, I’m not just going to change my lifestyle because they can’t be bothered to accommodate me.”

Carmilla shook her head and opened the box. “Well then I guess it’s a good thing you have the best roommate ever.” She grinned at Laura and handed the girl the box.

Laura took the package and looked inside. Her eyes went wide. It was packed with all types of vegetarian protein. There were soy chips and dried edamame. There were several packs of tuna. A case of peanut butter singles. A case of almond butter singles. A jar of cookie-dough flavored protein powder. Several packets of quinoa that were microwavable. She looked up at her roommate with wide eyes. No one had ever done something like this for her before. No one had ever cared enough. She blinked. “Carm? This is… this is perfect. Thank you,” she whispered.

Carmilla smiled. The look on Laura’s face right now was worth whatever payment Ell was going to demand. “Don’t mention it cutie. Can’t have you passing out on me again.” She winked at the girl. “I have an image to uphold and everything. If I keep running off to take care of you, people are gonna start thinking I’m soft.” She smirked.

Laura smiled. They really _were_ friends. They were joking and teasing one another. And it wasn’t confusing for her. She _knew_ that Carmilla was teasing her right now. Nothing inside of her was screaming that the girl was being serious. Nothing was telling her to read more into the words than what was there. It was a nice feeling. And without medication. It was a step forward. She opened one of the cups of almond butter and dipped a chunk of her banana in it. She moaned at the taste. Man she’d missed almond butter.

Carmilla’s eyes widened. Laura’s moan had done _things_ to her. “Jeez, cupcake. Keep those noises in the bedroom. A girl can only take so much in public.”

Laura snorted. She actually snorted. That was a _real_ laugh. How long had it been since she’d actually laughed – for real? God, what was Carmilla doing? How was this girl bringing her out of her shell so much? She stared at her roommate in wonder. She shook her head. “I’m glad we’re friends Carm. I think I’m going to miss you when camp is over.” The thought of _not_ having Carmilla in her life was painful. Maybe she could keep in touch with the girl. 

Carmilla frowned. “Yeah, that’s gonna suck isn’t it?” She meant it. God, she was going to miss Laura Hollis. Fuck.

* * *

Over the next couple of weeks, they had fallen into – what both of them could only assume was – a proper friendship. Carmilla had drastically backed off with the flirting. The girl hadn’t touched Laura without her permission since that night Laura had had a breakdown. But they _had_ touched. They basically shared the same bed every night – for warmth of course. The feeling of waking up in Carmilla’s arms was amazing. And now that she was back on her medication, it was easier for her to separate the feeling of being touched, with the anxiety that usually came along with it.

There was only one week of camp left though. And both of them were filled with a growing sense of dread. “I’m really going to miss you Carm,” Laura whispered into the girl’s neck. They were lying in Carmilla’s bed. Laura’s head was tucked into her roommate’s neck.

“I’m gonna miss you too cupcake.” It sucked they hadn’t figured this whole thing out until the last couple of weeks of camp. She actually enjoyed Laura’s company. The girl had completely opened up over the last couple of weeks. Laura had even started talking to a few other people. It was really amazing to watch the girl come out of her shell. She found herself wondering what had caused the change. Was it her? Had she helped Laura open up? She went to put her arm around the girl and cringed.

“What’s wrong?” Laura asked, sitting up and looking down at her roommate.

Carmilla shook her head. “My shoulders are just sore. Being a base is hard work, turns out.” She grinned. “You may be super small, but holding you up all the time does a number on a girl’s muscles.”

Laura frowned. They had basically come to an agreement after the first week of camp, that _massage_ time meant _alone_ time. Now she felt guilty. She was supposed to be helping Carmilla keep her muscles from getting too sore. And she had failed at that. “Roll over,” she whispered.

Carmilla raised an eyebrow and hummed. “You’re not going to smother me in my pillow are you?”

Laura laughed and swatted Carmilla’s shoulder. “Carm, I’m going to give you a massage. I’m sorry you haven’t been getting those at all. Now roll over.”

Carmilla rolled onto her stomach.

Laura straddled the girl’s hips and began rubbing Carmilla’s back. The girl’s shirt kept getting in the way so she tugged at it. “Do you mind if I take this off?”

Carmilla’s eyebrows rose. “Um, no go ahead.” She pushed herself up a little and let Laura pull the shirt over her head. Then she settled back on the mattress.

Laura looked down at the pale, flawless skin of Carmilla’s back. She bit her lip. Her roommate wasn’t wearing a bra, so there was nothing hindering her wandering eyes. When she started rubbing Carmilla’s back again, she was lost in the feeling of soft skin and firm muscle.

Carmilla moaned deeply as Laura’s thumbs dug into her sore muscles. “God cupcake. You have magic hands.”

Laura smiled and bit her lip again. She continued to rub Carmilla’s back for a little while before she moved to the girl’s arms. Carmilla’s biceps were kind of a weakness for her, and getting to touch them without any awkwardness was giving her a heady feeling. The soft sounds her roommate was making underneath her were giving her that warm feeling in her stomach again. She hadn’t felt it in a while and it was almost new again.

She grasped Carmilla’s arms and pushed her hips forward and into the girl. She bit her lip again. The pressure building inside of her was overwhelming. She leaned forward and really started working on Carmilla’s muscles. All the while grinding her hips into her roommate’s firm ass.

Carmilla’s eyes were wide. She stared at the pillow under her. Laura’s fingers were doing wonderful things to her muscles, but she couldn’t feel anything other than the way Laura was _grinding_ against her. She didn’t dare move out of fear that the trance would be broken and Laura would realize what she was doing. The girl’s hips were moving steadily against her. And it was driving her absolutely insane. Her mouth was dry. She was pretty sure her palms were sweating at this point. And she was _wet._

Laura trailed her fingers along Carmilla’s arms, across the girl’s shoulders and down her back. She gripped Carmilla’s hips. There was no massage to disguise it now. If she kept going, Carmilla was surely going to notice. She bit her lip and pushed her hips forward again.

Carmilla moaned. She froze, thinking that Laura was going to run away, but the girl just gripped her hips tighter and continued moving against her. “Laura?” She went to roll over and her roommate lifted to accommodate her movements. When she was on her back, Laura’s weight settled against her hips again.

Laura hummed. “What’s wrong?” she whispered.

Carmilla shook her head. “What are we doing?”

Laura bit her lip again and glanced down at Carmilla’s naked chest. Desire was swimming through her veins. She wanted to _touch_. She had never wanted to touch anyone before. “I have no idea,” she admitted. Her hips started moving against Carmilla’s again.

Carmilla’s hips shot off of the mattress to meet Laura’s. Both girls moaned loudly. Her hands grasped the girl’s hips and she ground Laura down against her.

Laura fell forward. Her hands landed on Carmilla’s chest. Her eyes shot wide open as she felt her roommate’s nipples harden against her palms. “Fuck,” she whispered. She searched Carmilla’s face for any kind of answer to what was going on. Carmilla’s eyes were closed and the girl’s lip was tucked between her teeth. Laura cupped the girl’s breasts and squeezed.

Carmilla’s eyes snapped open and locked with Laura’s. For once, the girl didn’t look like she was about to panic. Laura’s pupils were dilated to the point where there was almost no color left at all. The girl’s lips were parted and she was breathing heavily. Carmilla arched her back off of the mattress, pushing her breasts further into Laura’s grip.

Laura looked down at her hands and watched as they massaged her roommate’s breasts. She brushed her thumbs over Carmilla’s nipples and felt the sharp breath the girl took in. “I want…” she paused. What did she want?

Carmilla stared at Laura. “Want what? What do you want Laura? Anything. Anything you want.” She was desperate for touch. God she wanted Laura’s hands all over her. It was the strangest sensation. She was _not_ a bottom. She didn’t let girls touch her without her permission. _She_ did the touching. _She_ had the control. Even when she was being pleasured, she was in control. God, at this moment she was willing to give Laura anything.

Laura rolled Carmilla’s nipples between her fingers. “I want – with my mouth – I…” she didn’t even know how to form sentences at the moment.

Carmilla nodded furiously.

Laura leaned down and captured one of Carmilla’s nipples. She sucked the hard bud into her mouth and flicked at it with her tongue. Her fingers were tugging at Carmilla’s other nipple.

“Fuck,” Carmilla gasped. “Oh god, Laura, fuck.” She threaded her fingers in Laura’s hair and held the girl against her chest. Their hips were grinding together in a torturous dance. God she was going to come. It had been weeks of pent up sexual frustration and she was going to fucking come with just a little grinding. She didn’t even have time to feel ashamed of herself before there was a loud knock at the door. The door flew open and Elsie stumbled in.

“What the fuck?” Elsie shouted. “Your roommate? Seriously? I didn’t know you _desperate_ , Carmilla.”

Carmilla’s eyes flew open wide as she stared at the intruder. Laura was trying to burrow down into the mattress and disappear it seemed. “Get the fuck out of here Elsie!”

The blonde shook her head. “Gladly,” she spat before slamming the door.

Laura stared down at her roommate. Carmilla’s eyes were closed and the girl’s chest was heaving. “Holy fuck,” she whispered. “That was…” She shook her head. “What just happened? What did we almost just do? Oh my god.” She crawled off of the bed and began to pace.

Carmilla sat up and grabbed Laura’s hips, pulling the girl back into her lap and grinding Laura’s hips against her own. Her hand went straight to Laura’s pussy and she rubbed at the girl through her shorts. “God I wanna make you come so bad.”

Laura moaned and her hips rolled forward. She bit her lip. “I don’t – I don’t think I can,” she whispered.

Carmilla’s hand froze. “Wait what?” If Elsie had fucked this up for her she was going to beat the breath out of that girl.

Laura shook her head and crawled off of the girl. “I’ve tried. It doesn’t – maybe I’m broken.” She shrugged. Her eyes turned down toward the floor. “It’s okay though, Carm. That was – that was so much. I – I’ve never felt like that before. It was a little overwhelming. And I – I probably would have freaked out afterward. More than I am now…”

Was Laura serious right now? The girl thought she was physically incapable of having an orgasm? She shook her head. “Wait so you’ve _tried_ to have an orgasm? Like, you’ve touched yourself – and nothing?”

Laura nodded. The blush was a permanent fixture on her face now.

“Show me how you touch yourself Laura,” Carmilla purred.

Laura’s eyes snapped up to meet her roommate’s. “What?” she asked, shocked.

Carmilla’s hand grasped the hem of Laura’s tank top. “Can I?” she whispered.

Laura nodded and allowed the girl to pull the shirt over her head. "I can't say no to you," she whispered.

Carmilla’s eyes traced over Laura’s breasts for the first time. They were slightly less tan than the rest of the girl’s body, and there was just enough curve to cast a small shadow across the girl’s ribs. The perfect handful. Laura’s areolas were a dark shade of pink and just slightly larger than a quarter, and the girl’s nipples were hard and standing at attention like two pencil erasers. She wanted to suck on them so badly. To pull them into her mouth and lave them with her tongue until Laura felt like bursting. She wanted to tug at them with her teeth and lick at the undersides of the girl’s breasts. God she wanted.

Instead, she pulled at the waistband of Laura’s shorts.

Laura raised her hips and let Carmilla pull her shorts off. She sat there in nothing but her panties as the girl’s eyes searched her body. Carmilla’s gaze didn’t make her uncomfortable though. It was like everywhere the girl’s eyes landed caught fire.

Carmilla pulled Laura between her legs until the girl’s back was resting against her bare chest. She took Laura’s hand and guided it between the girl’s legs. “Show me how you touch yourself Laura,” she whispered again.

Their hands slipped into Laura’s panties. Carmilla didn’t touch anywhere but Laura’s hand, but the simple fact that the girl was _so close_ made Laura’s blood boil. She bit her lip and started to slowly rub against her clit, her roommate’s hand following along, guiding. God she was wet. Her slippery fingers were circling her clit, when Carmilla’s hand put more pressure against her own. She moaned loudly. Her hips rolled forward again and again. God, she was so close. She could almost feel it. Something building. Something stronger than ever before. Finally. She was finally going to get that release.

Her phone rang loudly across the room. “Fuck,” she sighed, halting her movements.

“Ignore it,” Carmilla whispered desperately.

Laura shook her head. “I can’t. It’s my dad. If I don’t answer he’s just going to keep calling.” She pulled their hands from her panties and pulled on her tank top. “Hi dad,” she answered.

_Hey Laura. I just wanted to let you know that Theo stopped by today. He was asking for you. Haven’t seen him around in a while. I thought you two broke up._

Laura blinked. “What? What did he want?” Theo had come looking for her? That was weird. She hadn’t heard from the boy after that night she’d turned him down.

_Well, he said he came by to apologize to you. And that he missed you. He asked when you’d be back, so I told him you’d be back next week. I invited him over to dinner on Monday._

Laura squeezed her eyes shut. “Um. Okay. Yeah. Okay. That’s fine.”

_Are you okay honey? You sound kind of flustered. Are you and Theo not on good terms? I can call his parents and make up an excuse for cancelling._

Laura shook her head. Her father did _not_ need to know why Theo and her had stopped talking. “No dad, that’s fine. Dinner sounds fine. Look, I have to go. Dinner’s about to be over and I need to grab something from the cafeteria before it closes.”

_Okay honey. Well, I’ll see you next week._

“Bye dad.” Laura stared at the phone after she’d hung up. What the fuck?

Carmilla stood and wrapped her arms around Laura’s waist. “I guess we _should_ go grab dinner before the cafeteria closes,” Carmilla sighed.

Laura nodded. They dressed and made there way out of the cabin before Laura stopped. “Crap, I forgot my tuna. I’ll meet you there?”

Carmilla smiled. “Yeah, you’re probably really going to need your protein after _that_.” She smirked.

Laura shook her head and went back to the cabin. She dug through the box and found the last packet of tuna. But something caught her eye. There was a letter at the bottom of the box. She pulled it out. The handwriting caught her attention immediately. It was elegant script and she couldn’t help but read it.

_Carmilla,_

_I hope this care package finds you well. I miss all of our quality time with each other. I can’t wait until we’re together again. How’s our little game coming along? Have you finally made your way through every girl at cheer camp? Did you finally get Laura into your bed? I must say, I doubted that you’d be able to convince the girl to sleep with you, but from our last conversation, it seems you may have bested me. So I tip my hat to you. Those girls could never compare to me anyway. So come home and I’ll show you what you’ve been missing. Clearly you’ve won this bet – congratulations on bedding a demisexual._

_Ell_

Laura stared at the letter. She felt the bile rising in her throat. Stupid. She was stupid. Stupid and unwanted. She’d been a game. A bet. Something was cracking open inside of her. She had to get out of there. She couldn’t see Carmilla’s face again. She looked at her bag and back at the letter. Her tears had begun to fall without her even realizing it. They stained the letter and made the ink start to run in several places. She shook her head. Unwanted. She’d never felt more unwanted.

* * *

Laura never showed up to dinner. Carmilla inhaled the rest of her food and went to find the girl. When she entered the cabin her eyes widened. Laura’s sheets had been stripped and the girl’s bag was gone. She looked around before her eyes landed on the piece of paper laying on her pillow. She picked it up and her heart sank.

Careless. How could she have been so careless? Laura was gone, and she’d never even gotten the girl’s contact information. Not that Laura would answer her calls anyway. Not now. Not after this. She sat down on the floor and rested her chin against her knees. “Fuck,” she whispered to the empty room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://hollsteinFF.tumblr.com
> 
> @H0llst3inFF
> 
> Song: Ray LaMontagne - Lesson Learned


	5. The Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summer camp behind her, Laura tries to come to terms with her disorder and the guilt she harbors inside for the feelings she has. More intent than before, she tries to force her heteronormativity. As the school year approaches, she finds herself making all of her decisions based solely on what is considered "normal".
> 
> Carmilla heads home with a feeling she's never had before. Confused by her own actions, she spirals even further down her self-destructive path of addiction and dissociation. Her relationship with her step-sister is more disturbing than even before and she finds herself turning to her mother for answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: This chapter contains images of emotional self-harm and addiction. 
> 
> Also, I'm not a psychologist, so please excuse any gaps in my research.
> 
> Some F/M in this chapter. Don't worry. It won't last too long before Laura finally figures her shit out.

Laura heard the doorbell ring and tensed immediately. Theo Straka. A name she hadn’t really thought about at all until the last couple of months. Of course she’d run into the boy at school before the year had ended, but Theo had never even paid her any further attention. Why was he here _now?_

Steve Hollis opened the door to the young man and ushered Theo inside. “Theo, it’s good to see you again. I kind of felt like you and Laura had lost touch for a while. Missed having another man around the house.” He winked at the boy.

Theo smiled politely. “Sorry sir, that’s probably my fault. I was young and stupid, and I didn’t really know what I wanted. But – I do now. I just hope it’s not too late.” He legitimately missed Laura. He missed the rare times the girl would let herself smile. He missed listening to her play the piano after school. He missed how her skin felt underneath his fingers. To be honest, before he’d gotten to know Laura a little better, he’d always thought she was a lesbian. But she’d been so compliant to his insistent fingers, now he just thought that maybe Laura really hadn’t been ready. Or – maybe she had said _no_ because she really was gay. It was confusing.

Steve smiled. “It takes a little while for all of us to grow up, son. Come on in, have a seat. Laura will be down shortly, I’m sure.” He sat in his usual chair. He liked Theo. The Straka family was well known in their community. He’d done business with Theo’s father on numerous occasions. And never once had Theo exposed Laura’s incessant need to keep his job title and her inborn fame a secret from her classmates. Steve understood why Laura kept it from her peers though. His daughter didn’t cope well with social situations – she never had. It had only gotten worse when her mother left. And the price of having wealth and notoriety in high school tended to be _lots_ of unwanted attention.

Steve never mentioned his daughter at any of the events he had to attend. He’d never forced Laura to accompany him. To the world, he was Steve Hollis, bachelor CEO. Sure, the press knew he had a child, but so far, he’d managed to keep them out of Laura’s life. It had cost him a small fortune, but the well being of his daughter was worth it. Laura was delicate – mentally.

Theo sat on the sofa across from Laura’s father. He was slightly uneasy about seeing the girl again. What if she told her dad what had happened? What if she just ignored him completely? What if he’d ruined everything by being too hasty? He wanted Laura. He wanted all she had to offer. He could wait, if that’s what it took. It’s not like he was currently getting laid anyway. “I’m just glad she didn’t say no. I guess that means there’s hope right?” He smiled. “I didn’t want to head into my senior year and realize that I’d let the best thing that ever happened to me slip through my fingers.”

Steve smiled. “Well, I won’t lie son, long distance relationships can be hard. And with Laura going off to Silas, it’s going to be a lot of work. But if you put in the effort, I’m sure everything will work out. The good Lord doesn’t let anything happen without reason.” Steve frowned for a moment. “Besides, Laura’s not like other girls. She’s – _unique_. I don’t think I need to tell you that. The fact that she let you in at all has to mean something. Just, be patient with her. And be persistent. She’s got – well she’s got a lot going on in that head of hers. Sometimes she doesn’t react to situations like you’d expect a person to react.”

Theo’s eyebrows rose. That was an understatement. When he’d accidently slapped Laura’s ass in anatomy class, he’d expected the girl to slap him. Laura’s reaction was what had gotten his attention in the first place. It was almost like she didn’t know _how_ to react. “Well, that’s kind of what I wanted to talk to her about. I actually got into Styria University Prep. They have a really good soccer team. At least two people get picked up for major universities every year. So, it wouldn’t really be that long distance. Just across town.”

Steve smiled again. Theo was making an effort to be close to his daughter. The boy had actually applied to schools on the other side of the world to give them a better chance. Laura deserved to be happy, and Theo was the only boy he’d ever seen his daughter with at all. “That’s wonderful news, son.” It was great news, knowing that there would be someone there to look after his little girl. Laura wasn’t always known for making the best choices. He frowned, debating on whether or not to say the rest. “Listen, Laura has a difficult time opening up, I know you know that. But, it’s not because she doesn’t want to. It’s just because she doesn’t really know how. She has – well like I said – she has a lot going on in that head of hers, and sometimes it’s difficult for her to sort it all out. When Laura’s mother left, it really messed her up. It left her feeling really unwanted. And I’m afraid my job and my hours haven’t really helped that at all. She tries to hard to please people. Sometimes she doesn’t really make the best decisions. She doesn’t like confrontation. She doesn’t know how to deal with it. At all. So she acquiesces and let’s people walk all over her.”

Steve shook his head. “I guess I’m telling you this, because I’m not going to be around anymore. And I need someone I can depend on to watch out for her. Someone I can trust to help her see what’s right and wrong. Someone to help her understand that she doesn’t always have to just say _yes_ to avoid a little conflict. The medications she’s on are really helping with the anxiety, but they don’t really help with the decision making part if it.”

Theo’s eyes widened. Was Mr. Hollis seriously telling him that Laura was incapable of saying _no?_ He knew – first hand – that that wasn’t the case. Laura may have trouble with conflict, and maybe that’s why the girl had let him touch her so much, but she had her limits. She wouldn’t let someone just take everything. His eyes narrowed at the man. This man had no faith in his daughter, and it made him kind of uneasy. He made it seem like Laura had some kind of disorder. Then he remembered – medication. He frowned. Laura _did_ have a disorder. What was wrong with the girl? Whatever it was, it was probably both a blessing and a curse for him. If Laura had a hard time saying _no_ that meant they could probably slip right back into their previous arrangement. He’d like that. He missed touching Laura. He missed the way the girl’s body reacted to him. He missed being able to put his hands on her whenever he wanted. But that confused him as well. Did Laura even _like_ it? Or was she just _letting_ him to avoid conflict? “I’ll do my best to look out for her, sir.”

* * *

Laura stared at her reflection in the mirror. She knew she had to go downstairs. She knew Theo and her father were waiting. Dinner was most likely ready and would be cold if she waited much longer. Her eyes looked empty. Ever since she’d gotten home from camp, she just felt empty. She felt nothing. The pills were numbing her to the world. She’d been locked inside of her own medicated apathy again. She didn’t like it. She wanted to feel again. Then she thought about the _pain_ she had felt at reading Ell’s letter. Maybe not. Maybe being numb was good. If she never had to feel _that_ again.

She steeled her nerves and slowly walked down the stairs. When she made it to the living room, her father and Theo were laughing about the latest episode of some television show. When Theo met her eyes, his laughter halted abruptly. He stood.

“Hi Laura,” he almost whispered. God she was just as stunning as he remembered. Laura’s hair was pulled back in a tight, perfect ponytail. Her skin was just as flawless as he remembered. His eyes trailed briefly down her body, taking in the loose shirt that hung off of her shoulder and the tight jeans that seemed to hug her curves. His eyes snapped back up to meet her gaze. “It’s been a long time. I – I’m sorry I never called.”

Laura raised a delicate eyebrow. She watched as Theo’s eyes trailed down her body and snapped back up to meet her own. Her gaze never left his face. Her brow was furrowed – pensive. What did she even say to that? He was apologizing? “It’s fine,” she said emotionlessly. “I – it’s fine.”

Theo shook his head. After what Mr. Hollis had just told him, he was starting to understand Laura’s responses a little more. “It’s not fine. I should have called. I shouldn’t have just disappeared like that. I…” He glanced over to where Laura’s father still sat. The man must have gotten the hint, because Steve excused himself to the kitchen to finish dinner. Theo sat back down and patted the spot next to him.

Laura shook her head. She wasn’t about to have this conversation with her father in the next room. She glanced back up the stairs. “Dad,” she called out. “We’ll be upstairs.”

Steve smiled. Laura had been so vacant the last few days he was starting to worry that something had happened at camp that made her retreat even further into herself. So seeing her willingly interact with Theo was a good sign. “Okay sweetheart. Open door policy!”

Laura rolled her eyes. “Okay dad.” She led Theo upstairs to her room and stood beside her desk. “Why are you here?” she asked, her calculating gaze burning a hole in the boy.

Theo sat on the edge of Laura’s bed. “Look, I didn’t know how to handle being rejected.” His eyes turned toward the floor. “I – I mean, I kind of always thought you were gay.”

Laura frowned. “What?” Had she given off that vibe? Had Theo seen her staring at her English teacher? Oh god. What had the boy said to people? Is that what _everyone_ thought about her?

Theo cringed at the panic in Laura’s voice. “I mean, I never saw you with a boyfriend. I never really saw you with anyone. And, you’re really hot Laura, you could’ve had any boy you wanted. So I guess I just figured you didn’t _want_ a boyfriend. But then, when we started talking, I realized you were just really shy. I thought you liked me, and I thought that we had something. And then when you rejected me, it made all those insecurities come back. I thought that maybe you rejected me because you really were gay and you’d just been pretending with me to keep people from knowing. And then the next day in class, you wouldn’t even look at me. I thought – I thought you hated me, so I just – I just kind of bowed out of your life.”

Laura closed her eyes and shook her head. She wasn’t gay. She wasn’t. She had to prove that now more than ever. With everything that she’d felt when she’d been around Carmilla, with everything she had let the girl _do_ to her. She had to prove to herself that it was just because she’d been off of her meds. “I’m not gay, Theo,” she said calmly. “I just – I wasn’t _ready._ ” She bit her lip. “For that. I’m still not.”

Theo nodded. “I think I understand that now. At the time, it was just a blow to my self-confidence. But I think I get it now. You want to wait. You want to know that the person cares about you. That’s completely justifiable. I’m sorry I didn’t respect that before.”

Laura smiled softly. “It’s okay,” she whispered.

Theo frowned. “Stop saying that. It’s not okay. What I did wasn’t okay. It was cruel and disrespectful, and I’m sorry. But I’d like to make it up to you, if you’d let me.” He smiled hopefully. “I came over the other day to apologize, but also to tell you that I’d applied to Styria University Prep, and I got in.”

Laura’s eyes widened. “Wait, you’re going to Styria this year? Like the school across town from Silas?”

Theo nodded. “I couldn’t let you go without a fight. You were my friend, and I messed that up. And I didn’t want you to leave with the last thing you knew of me being how I acted that night. So I thought, maybe we could give it another shot. Maybe you could let me show you that I care.”

Laura’s brows furrowed. Theo was very handsome. He was kind. He was smart and athletic. He was a catch by anyone’s standards. And she was already comfortable with him. It wouldn’t be too hard to slip back into that routine. Did she want that? It would certainly make things easier. No one would question her sexuality at Silas if she had a boy around. No snarky, rude, sexually forward girls would try to trick her into sleeping with them if Theo was there. She nodded. “I think I’d like that,” she whispered.

Theo grinned. He rose from the bed and stood in front of Laura. “Be my girlfriend, Laura,” he whispered. It wasn’t really a question. More of a command. Something flashed in the girl’s eyes briefly, and he thought maybe he’d overstepped, but the fire quickly died away and was replaced with the calm gaze Laura usually held. She nodded. He cupped her cheek and brought her lips to his in a gentle kiss.

Theo’s lips weren’t as soft as Carmilla’s. The fingers against her cheek weren’t calloused from years of strumming a guitar. It felt wrong. But she pushed the thoughts from her mind. Carmilla was wrong. Not Theo. Theo was normal. Theo was acceptable. Theo was right. She parted her lips and allowed his tongue to slip inside her mouth and brush against her own. There was no heat, but maybe that didn’t matter. The heat is what had gotten her in trouble in the first place. The heat was what had made it hard for her to think clearly. Theo’s hands grasped her hips and he pulled her closer. Her hands rested against his chest and she tilted her head up and into the kiss.

The little sound at the back of Laura’s throat made his hands tighten against her hips. Laura was always so compliant. But now he was plagued with the thought that maybe she didn’t really _want_ this. Maybe she was just going along with it. He had to know for sure. Laura’s body used to react to him. It wouldn’t do that now if the girl didn’t want this. He slipped his hands up Laura’s shirt and cupped her breasts. If Laura minded, it didn’t show. Encouraged, he pulled the cups of her bra down gently and palmed her bare breasts. The reaction was almost immediate. He smiled into the kiss. Laura wasn’t just going along with it. She enjoyed his touch.

The hands kneading at her breasts made the images from camp float to the forefront of her brain. Carmilla’s palms cupping her. The girl’s fingers working her nipples into hardened peaks. Carmilla’s tongue pressing against her through her panties. She moaned at the thought and Theo’s hands became more insistent. She let him lead her back to the bed and he crawled on top of her. He tugged the collar of her shirt down and his lips closed around her nipple. She thought about what Carmilla’s lips would feel like and rolled her hips into the boy on top of her. She could let go with Theo. There was no heat to cloud her judgment. She knew she would have no problem telling Theo to back off when it got to be too much for her. So she let him continue to suckle at her. She thought about how it had felt to have Carmilla’s stiff nipple inside of her mouth. She moaned and threaded her fingers into Theo’s hair. God she was fucked up. She had to get the girl out of her head. She wasn’t gay. She was just – confused.

* * *

Carmilla sat in the leather chaise, alone in her room. She held the sweatshirt up to her nose and inhaled. It still smelled like Laura. She had seriously fucked up this time. She _missed_ Laura Hollis. She felt something for the girl, and she’d fucked it all up over some stupid wager with her stupid step-sister. She’d never see Laura again. And she really only had herself to blame.

A loud knock at the door startled her from her thoughts. She ignored it. “Carmilla, I know you’re in there. Stop being a sore loser and open the god damn door.”

The last person she wanted to see right now was Ell. “Leave me the fuck alone Ell,” she shouted at the door.

There was the clicking sound of a key in a lock before the door was being pushed open. Her step-sister waltzed in with a smug smile on her face. “Stop acting like a petulant child. God, you’re acting like you had to flee your brooding lover across the moor.” Carmilla frowned.

Ell’s eyes widened. “Oh my god. You _fell_ for the little slut didn’t you?”

Carmilla’s eyes were murderous. “Don’t call her that. And don’t be a fool. She was just a bet. Though, since you _clearly_ violated the terms and agreements, I consider this transaction null and void.”

Ell laughed. “Terms and agreements? We never said we couldn’t sabotage. You just clearly underestimated my desire to _win_.” Anyway, I thought you might want some light reading. I did some digging on your sweet little demisexual roommate.” She handed Carmilla a magazine opened to an article.

Carmilla took the magazine. “ _Why I Plan to Wait:_ by Laura Hollis. Toronto, Canada.” Carmilla’s brows furrowed. “Jesus Christ is she for real?” Her eyes scanned the page.

Ell snatched the magazine back from her step-sister. She skimmed the article. “She’s daddy’s little angel. A paradigm of chastity and virtue. Boring boring boring. I love my father. Boring boring. Making a mature decision.” Ell gasped. “Oh here it is! She has a boyfriend named Theo. He understands.”

Carmilla tensed. Wait. Had Laura been with Theo this whole fucking time? Did that girl _really_ just lead her on the whole summer? She felt anger bubbling up in her stomach. “Theo’s a cocksucker.” The fact that Laura had been a bet aside, she felt mildly betrayed. She actually felt _bad_ for lying to this girl. And the whole fucking time Laura had just been stringing her along. Her eyes narrowed. “I’d really like to give that little bitch a piece of my fucking mind. Too bad she lives in Toronto.”

Ell smirked. “Au contraire,” she said happily. “The virgin’s been accepted into Silas University. Apparently she’s some sort of musical prodigy, well that and her father was appointed the newest Chair of the Board of Governors. Though, that's really a figurehead position since he won't be living here.”

Wait. Silas was the art school Laura had been talking about? Silas – as in the school that _she_ and Ell attended. She smirked. “Can you _imagine_ what this would do for my reputation? Screwing the new Chairman’s daughter?” Her voice grew wistful. “She’ll be my greatest triumph.”

Ell smirked. “You don’t stand a chance. This is out of even your league. Plus, you’ve already burned that bridge I’m afraid. You really expect her to even look at you after how you treated her at camp?”

Carmilla’s eyebrow rose. “Care to make another wager on that?”

Ell sauntered up to Carmilla and sat down in the girl’s lap. She leaned back against her step-sister. “What are the terms?” She slipped her hand behind her and in between Carmilla’s legs. She rubbed the girl gently through the denim.

Carmilla’s breath hitched. She knew she was being manipulated, but it had been a _while_. She hadn’t slept with anyone since she’d turned her focus on Laura. “No sabotage. Of any kind,” she panted, hips rolling into her step-sister’s touch. “What about the winnings?”

Ell smirked again. “If I win, that hot little car of yours. Mine.” She pulled her hand from between Carmilla’s legs and stood up.

Carmilla huffed in frustration. “And if I win?”

Ell’s smirk turned lecherous. “If you win, then I’ll give you something you’ve been obsessing about ever since before our parents got married.” She slowly buttoned the blazer she was wearing revealing a tight black corset underneath.

Carmilla’s eyes dragged down Ell’s body. “Be. More. Specific,” she growled.

Ell rolled her eyes and leaned over Carmilla. “In English. I’ll fuck your brains out.”

Carmilla gasped, eyes darting down to the girl’s cleavage that was _right_ in front of her face. She narrowed her eyes at her step-sister. “What makes you think I’d go for that bet? That’s a 1956 Jaguar Roadster.”

Ell leaned in a little further. “Because I’m the only person you can’t have and it kills you,” she said with mock sweetness, her lips barely an inch from Carmilla's.

Carmilla’s eyes darted over her step-sister. “No way. Anyway, duty calls.” She stood and grabbed the journal from her nightstand. "Summer camp should make for an exciting entry.”

Ell rolled her eyes. “Oh gee your journal. Could you be anymore queer?”

Carmilla smirked as she opened the French doors. “Could you be more desperate to read it,” she called out, not bothering to close the doors behind her.

“Oh Carmilla!” Ell called out.

Carmilla rolled her eyes and turned back to face Ell. “What?”

“I’ll let you strap one on,” Ell said, her voice low and sultry.

Carmilla’s mouth opened and closed a few times. “No.” She went to turn again but Ell’s voice caught her.

“I’ll let you put it anywhere.”

Carmilla’s eyebrows shot up. She smirked. “You’ve got yourself a bet.” They shook hands and she left the room. She was going to _win_ this time. She had been mildly conflicted over the summer. Her feelings had been clouding her judgment. Now that she knew Laura had just been stringing her along the entire time, nothing would stand in her way. God, she needed to get laid first. And soon. She scrolled through her phone before pressing the call button.

* * *

When Theo’s hand slipped between Laura's legs, she parted them instinctively. His fingers rubbed at her through the thin denim. She remembered how Carmilla had turned her on with the slightest brush of a single finger. Theo almost seemed clumsy in comparison. But with his lips wrapped around her aching nipple, and his fingers brushing across her neglected clit, she almost thought she felt _something_. She held back a moan and instead let out a strangled sob as she pushed her hips into his touch.

Theo swirled his tongue around Laura’s nipple and let his teeth scrape against the hard nub. He moved his hands to unbutton Laura’s jeans and had his fingers slipped inside just enough to feel the girl’s wetness through her panties when Laura’s hands flew down and halted his movements.

“Wait. Wait,” Laura whispered. She couldn’t do this while she kept thinking about Carmilla. It was too confusing. She pulled his hand from her jeans and sat up to button them. She pulled her bra and shirt back into place.

Theo sat back in fear. He’d done it again. “Laura, I’m so sorry.”

Laura shook her head. “It’s fine Theo. You didn’t – that wasn’t. It’s fine. I’m fine. Just – my door is open. And my dad’s downstairs.”

Theo glanced at the open door. He’d forgotten all about Mr. Hollis being downstairs. “Oh my god. He would have chased me from the house with a shotgun. Jesus, what was I thinking?”

Laura chuckled a little. “I think you’re being a bit dramatic. He doesn’t care what I do, as long as it doesn’t consist of shutting myself in my room alone.” She frowned. “He’s never cared what I’ve done.”

Theo frowned. He liked Mr. Hollis, but the way Laura talked about the man sometimes kind of made it feel as if her dad neglected her. “I’m still sorry. I didn’t mean to take it that far. It’s just – god I want you so much.” 

Laura’s eyes widened. “You – you _want_ me?”

* * *

It had been two weeks since she’d agreed to be Theo’s girlfriend. They were leaving for Styria on Friday. She’d be starting Silas on Monday. The summer had flown by. She was _finally_ taking the first step to the rest of her life. Theo had been nothing but a gentleman since that first night. He still touched her – a lot – but now, he’d ask her if it was okay before he did anything. To be honest, it was almost annoying. It meant she had to think about it. She had to pull herself from her own head and actually consider whether or not what he was asking her was too far.

She had to pull herself from her private fantasies of it being Carmilla’s hands and mouth on her skin. That was the _real_ reason it was annoying. But she wouldn’t admit that. Not even to herself. She sat down at her computer. She hadn’t let herself think of the girl outside of those intimate moments where she couldn’t _help_ but think of Carmilla. But now, she typed the name into Google and watched the list populate. Carmilla Karnstein. The name brought with it so many mixed emotions. She still hurt, but it didn’t dissuade her curiosity. She clicked on the first link – a YouTube video.

Carmilla’s face popped up on her computer screen. It was an extreme close up, but as the camera panned back, Laura saw that the girl was on a stage with an electric guitar and two other girls. There was a redhead sitting at a drum set. The girl had short hair that was styled into a perfect sort of chaos. The other girl was tall and blonde. She had a bass guitar draped around her neck and a pink shirt that said _Betty_. She almost looked too proper to be holding the instrument.

The music started and Laura found herself entranced by Carmilla’s stage presence. The sound was almost haunting and when Carmilla started singing, Laura almost let herself forget that this girl had _destroyed_ her.

 _Thought that I was strong._  
_I know the words I need to say._  
_Frozen in my place._  
_I let the moment slip away._

She glanced at the date of the upload. It was a week ago. Right after camp had ended. Was Carmilla singing about her?

 _I’ve been screaming on the inside._  
_And I know you feel the pain._  
_Can you hear me?_  
_Can you hear me?_  
_Aaa aaa aaa._

She did know. She knew that Carmilla was in pain. She’d known that the moment she’d heard the girl singing to her at camp. But it didn’t excuse the fact that Laura had been a bet. A game. Unwanted.

 _Say it’s over._  
_Yes it’s over._  
_But I need you anyway._  
_Say you love me but it’s not enough._

Not enough. It was never enough. She hadn’t been enough. She would never be enough. How dare Carmilla sing about her? Even if she was angry, she still felt somewhat flattered that she’d inspired at least _something_ from this girl.

 _Never meant to lie._  
_But I’m not the girl you think you know._  
_The more that I am with you._  
_The more that I am all alone._

That was an understatement. She didn’t know Carmilla at all. Everything the girl had told her could have been a lie. She shook her head. Why was she torturing herself with this? Carmilla was gone. The girl was out of her life for good.

 _I’ve been screaming on the inside._  
_And I know you feel the pain._  
_Can you hear me?_  
_Can you hear me?_  
_Aaa aaa aaa._

 _Say it’s over._  
_Yes it’s over._  
_But I need you anyway._  
_Say you love me but it’s not enough._

Not enough. The words repeated over and over in her mind. When would she be enough? When would she be good enough? Was she good enough for Theo now? What had changed?

 _Not that I’m so different._  
_Not that I don’t see._  
_The dying light of what we used to be._  
_But how could I forgive you?_  
_You changed._  
_And I’m the liar by your side._  
_I’m about to lose my mind._

Her brows furrowed. Carmilla _wasn’t_ singing about her. She closed her eyes and sighed at her own disillusion. Of course the girl wasn’t signing about her. Carmilla was singing about whoever she’d been singing about before. The girl who thought she was a traitor. A liar. How true had _that_ been? She huffed. She thought about the letter. Ell was the girl that Carmilla had betrayed, she was almost positive.  
  
_Cause I’ve been screaming on the inside._  
_And I know you feel the pain._  
_Can you hear me?_  
_Can you hear me?_  
_Aaa aaa aaa._  
  
_You’ve been dreaming._  
_If you’re thinking._  
_That I still belong to you._  
_And I’ve been dying._  
_Cause I’m lying to myself._  
_Aaa aaa aaa._  
  
_Say it’s over._  
_Yes it’s over._  
_But I need you anyway._  
_Say you love me but it’s not enough._

She closed the browser. That was enough torture for one day. Seeing Carmilla’s face had brought up all of those unwanted emotions again. She picked up her phone and called Theo. “Hey, you want to come over? My dad’s at work, and I’m bored with all of this packing.”

Theo laughed. _You still haven’t finished packing? You know we’re supposed to leave in two days right?_

Laura smiled a tiny smile. “No I haven’t finished yet, but it would go a lot faster with two people,” she coaxed.

_Sweetness, you don’t have to convince me, I’m already putting on my shoes._

Laura smiled a little wider. “I’ll see you in a bit. Door’s unlocked.”

When Theo knocked against the doorframe of her bedroom, Laura was still lost in her thoughts about Carmilla. “Hey,” she said softly.

“Hey you,” Theo responded with a smile. “What’s wrong?”

Laura shook her head. She probably shouldn’t talk about this, but it was kind of eating her up inside. “Did you really think I was gay?”

Theo chuckled. “Laura, I didn’t know you then. I was just making stupid assumptions.” He shook his head, pulling the girl into his arms. His hands slipped down and cupped Laura’s ass, squeezing firmly. “I know you’re not gay, now. If that’s any consolation.” He grinned, kissing her lips gently.

Laura frowned, pulling away. She sat on the edge of her bed. “I have to tell you something.”

Theo’s brows furrowed. Laura sounded serious, and hesitant. Like she expected him to run away at any moment. He sat down beside her. “What is it babe? What’s wrong?”

Laura steeled her nerves. She could do this. “When I was at camp. There was this girl there. She flirted with me constantly. It was really annoying at first, but then – it just got – confusing. I kept telling her I was straight, but she just kept flirting.”

Theo nodded for her to continue. He didn’t like where this was going one bit.

“She just kept flirting with me and touching me – not like _touching_ touching, but just touching. And I didn’t know what to do. It was really confusing and I didn’t want to start a conflict with her because we had to room together for the whole summer but – I don’t know. My head just got confused. One day at practice she – well she kind of – touched me – _there_ – like how you touch me. And I didn’t really know what to do, or how to respond. So I kind of just ran away,” Laura whispered.

Theo frowned. “Wait. She touched you? Like, without your consent?” His anger and jealousy were building inside. Some girl had touched Laura. Some girl had used Laura’s disorder against her to take advantage of her.

Laura nodded. “Sort of. I mean, I don’t know. I didn’t really tell her _no_. And – I kind of – it made me feel – I don’t know. Strange? Like, not bad strange, but just strange. And so, when you told me you thought I was gay it just made me start thinking. I mean, I don’t think I’m gay. You don’t think I’m gay do you? But what if – what if I like girls too?”

Theo closed his eyes. He thought about Laura with another girl, then _very_ quickly pushed that thought from his brain when he felt a rush of blood stir his cock. He opened his eyes and looked at his girlfriend. “I don’t know Laura. I guess you have to be the one to determine that. But I mean, does it matter? If you like girls too, does that mean you don’t want to be with me anymore? Cause I mean, I really like you. And I think we’re good together. I don’t care if you’re straight or bisexual or whatever other new terms people have come up with in the last few years. I like you anyway.”

Laura’s eyes widened. “You don’t think I’m a freak?”

Theo frowned. “Laura why would I think you’re a freak? I think you’re amazing. But I think that sometimes you let yourself get too confused about things. Just because someone wants something, doesn’t mean you have to give it to them. She took advantage of you. She took advantage of your inability to sort out your thoughts.”

Laura smiled. Then frowned. Theo was making _too_ much sense. It was almost as if he _knew_ about her disorder. “You don’t care that I might not be normal? You still want me?”

Theo smiled. “Laura, of course I still want you. I’d be an idiot to not want you.” He wiggled his eyebrows. “Plus, I mean. Not gonna lie, the thought of you making out with another girl is pretty hot.”

Laura blushed as Theo pulled her into his lap. She straddled his hips and settled her weight on top of him. “I let her kiss me,” she whispered. She leaned forward and threaded her fingers in his hair. Thinking about Carmilla was making that heated feeling return. She could use this to help her get used to the idea of Theo. “I let her touch me – there.”

Theo gasped and his hands flew to Laura’s hips. He ground her down against him. “What did you let her do?” he whispered.

Laura felt the boy’s cock twitch against her. She rolled her hips forward. “She took my hand and slipped it into my panties and made me show her how I touch myself,” Laura whispered, rolling her hips forward again. Theo groaned and she felt his erection harden against her fully.

The thought of another girl guiding Laura’s hand against her own pussy made blood _rush_ to his cock. His pants tightened immediately. But then the word hit him. _Made._ The girl _made_ Laura. “Wait. Stop,” he gasped.

Laura panicked. “What’s wrong?”

Theo shook his head. “The fact that she _made_ you do something is a little less hot. She took advantage of you Laura. I don’t want to think about that.”

Laura tilted her head to the side. She pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. “You’re right. In the end, she didn’t even like me. I was just part of some bet she made with another girl. That she could sleep with all of the girls at camp.” She frowned, the pain soaring back into her chest.

Theo pulled Laura against his chest. “I’m sorry Laura. I’m sorry she did that to you.”

Laura pressed into his chest. “It’s fine.”

Theo pulled away and looked down at her. “It’s not fine Laura. You’ve got to stop thinking that.”

She nodded. “I know…”

* * *

Carmilla pressed the gas pedal harder. She flew down the highway, running away from yet another one-night-stand. Catherine or Karen, she couldn’t remember. She had a problem, she knew. She couldn’t think about anything but sex. She’d been here before, a few years ago. But her mother had helped her cope. She’d gotten better. It seemed she might have relapsed. She sighed.

When she got home she went straight to her mother’s study. “Mom?” she called out, knocking softly on the door.

“Come on in, sweetheart,” Lilita answered.

Carmilla pushed open the double doors and closed them behind her. She sat down in her mother’s chaise lounge and sighed.

“Something bothering you love?” Lilita asked softly. Carmilla never came to her office unless there was something on the girl’s mind. And her daughter avoided the _patient_ chair like the plague.

Carmilla sighed loudly. “I think – I think I need help again mom,” she whispered.

Lilita immediately set her notepad down. She turned to face her daughter. “Why would you think that Carmilla?”

Carmilla met her mother’s concerned gaze. “I’m doing it again. It’s like I can’t stop. It’s all I think about.” She shook her head. She hated admitting to weakness. “I try so hard to put it out of my mind, but everything I do just – makes me want it. It’s not normal. I know it’s not normal. The things I think about, mom. Sometimes it’s images I would never even _consider_ in real life. Like, it just makes me feel – dirty.”

Lilita’s eyes closed. She frowned and met her daughter’s gaze. Carmilla had been struggling with this for a few years now. They had gotten it under control she’d thought. “How many this week, Carmilla?”

Carmilla closed her eyes and she shook her head.

“You know you have to talk to me and be honest with me if you want me to be able to make a proper diagnosis, sweetheart.” She sighed, but gave the girl an encouraging smile. “You know I’ll never be angry with you or judge you Carmilla. It’s an illness. You have no control over it.”

Carmilla sighed. When she opened her eyes, her mother’s face was blurry through her tears. “Eleven,” she whispered. She felt the shame and guilt wash over her. “But mom, that’s not it.” She felt the tears slide down her face. “There’s more.”

Lilita took in a shaky breath. “Go on honey.” Carmilla was going to say she had paraphilia – Lilita could feel it. She’d been expecting this. It was after all, the next step in sexual addiction.

Carmilla frowned. Could she really do this? Could she really tell her mother? “I’m in love with Ell,” she whispered.

Lilita blinked. “Your sister?”

Carmilla groaned. “My _step_ -sister mom. I was in love with her before she was my step-sister. We were – we were together when I introduced you to Hank. I just – I didn’t know how to tell you at the time. I didn’t expect you guys to fall in love. I’ve tried so hard to get her out of my head. But no one works. None of them make it go away. I’m so sorry mom. I’m so, so sorry.”

Realization washed over her. Her poor, sweet girl. How long had this been plaguing her? How long had Carmilla kept this guilt to herself? “Oh honey,” she breathed. She scooped Carmilla into her arms and cradled the girl to her chest. “Sweetheart, you have nothing to be sorry about. And nothing to be ashamed of. You’re not broken, okay? You’re not demented or disgusting or anything else you’re thinking right now, okay?” Carmilla nodded against her chest. “This is an illness that – I realize now – has stemmed from years of repressing sexual feelings for Ell. You feel guilty about your desires, so you try to alleviate them by any means possible, but it doesn’t work because the source of your guilt is always there. Forbidden. Untouchable.”

Carmilla sobbed against her mother’s chest. “What do I do mom?”

Lilita ran her fingers through Carmilla’s hair. “You’re going to get past this sweetheart. I’m going to help you get past this. We’ll get through this together, okay?”

Carmilla nodded again. “Okay,” she whispered.

Lilita kissed her daughter’s forehead. “Are you going to be okay? Going back to Silas? The job offer is still on the table. I could take it, if it would make it easier for you.”

Carmilla sniffled. Her mom had been offered the job of Silas’s director of psychology. Would it make it easier if her mother was there with her? Probably. At least then they could work this out together. She knew she couldn’t do it on her own. She nodded. “Would you? I mean, you would do that? You would move to Styria?”

Lilita smiled. “Sweetheart, I would do _anything_ for you. You should know that by now.”

“What about Hank?”

Lilita laughed. “Oh Hank can find a job anywhere sweetheart. I’m sure he’d like to be closer to Ell anyway.” She kissed the top of Carmilla’s head. “I’ll make the call first thing in the morning.

Carmilla nodded. “Thank you mom. I love you.”

Lilita smiled. “I love you too baby.” She watched Carmilla slowly drag herself toward the stairs. “Oh Carmilla,” she called out. Her daughter turned to face her. “Same rules as last time sweetheart. No phone. No internet. No masturbation.”

Carmilla sighed, but nodded. She made her way up to her bedroom. She curled up into the fetal position and pulled the sweatshirt against her face. When she was around Laura, she hadn’t felt the need to fulfill these obsessive compulsions. Laura made her a better person, even if the girl had just been fucking with her head…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://hollsteinFF.tumblr.com
> 
> @H0llst3inFF
> 
> Song: Evanescence - The Change


	6. Going Under

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura gets to Silas and comes face to face with her new roommate. Deja vu anyone?
> 
> Carmilla is more determined than ever to get Laura into bed. 
> 
> Theo isn't as oblivious as everyone thinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains underage drinking and peer pressure. Moderate sexual behavior. Nothing explicit.

Carmilla had just finished unpacking everything into her new dorm. She’d thought that she and Ell would be rooming together this year, but instead, she was put on the list for a random. Also, she’d had to sign up for a stupid dance class, because – if nothing else – she never backed out of a bet.

She was glad to be back at Silas. Yes the school may have been hell on earth at times, but she was like royalty here. Her and Ell ruled the halls of Silas. Either of them could have anyone they wanted. Carmilla’s course schedule was packed this year. Along with the dance class, she had Music Theory, Lyrical Composition, Polyrhythms for Guitar, Advanced Guitar Performance Lab, Linear Approach Concepts, Philosophy, and two independent studies. Luckily she’d already gotten most of the base courses out of the way, so all she had to focus on now was music and philosophy.

It was going to be difficult this year to hold onto her 4.2 GPA. But she was confident that if she put in the time and effort, she’d manage. That’s the one thing she wouldn’t let slip. Having a good grade point average didn’t hurt her reputation at all. Know one knew. Grades as Silas were posted via student ID number and not name. No one had to know until she graduated, and by that time, it wouldn’t matter, she’d never have to see any of these people again.

She had no intention of going to college. But she wanted to keep the option available, just in case the band didn’t get picked up by a record label. This was her year though. Finally. She was a senior. The band had been playing together for three years now. They were like a well-oiled machine. They would be participating in some of the most well known competitions around Europe. They were bound to get noticed by _someone_.

In the mean time, they were playing the Back to School Bash tonight. She couldn’t wait to run into her peers. The last week had been _difficult_. She’d _mostly_ followed her mother’s orders, but she was going a little insane with pent up lust. She had her phone and her computer back though, she was tempted to pull up some lesbian porn and just fuck herself into oblivion. That was better than going around whoring herself out right? Her mother may be a psychologist, but the woman didn’t understand what she was going through. Her mom didn’t understand the urges that took over. She couldn’t just _stop_ everything all at once.

Maybe porn was a bit much. She’d never really gotten into it in the first place, and that would probably be really easy to trace through the university’s Wi-fi. She pulled out her phone instead, typing in the address to one of her favorite guilty pleasures. ErotiFic was a site where author’s could post online erotic stories they had written for others to read and comment on. Constructive artistic critique was the main goal, but she used it for less _artistic_ purposes. She was _almost_ there when she heard a key slide into the lock. She ripped her hand from her pants and buttoned them quickly. She turned to face her new roommate and her jaw dropped.

Laura adjusted the bag on her shoulder and pushed the door open. When she entered the room her eyes went wide. She stood there, silently, for a few moments just staring. This was _not_ happening. This could _not_ be happening. She watched the girl’s face shift into a sneer and her new roommate’s mouth opened to – no doubt – say something snarky, when Theo pushed the door wider and stepped in with the rest of her bags.

“Jesus baby, don’t just stand there. These things are heavy.” Theo dropped the bags on the floor and looked up, immediately sensing the tension in the room. His eyes met Laura’s roommate’s and his eyebrows shot up. _Damn_ this girl was _fine_. He held out his hand. “You must be Laura’s roommate. I’m Theo, the boyfriend.”

Carmilla stared at the boy’s hand, then her eyes shifted back to Laura’s. “Charmed,” she growled, not accepting his offered hand.

Theo dropped his hand. “Okayyyy.” He turned back to his girlfriend. Laura’s eyes hadn’t left her roommate. “Well babe, I gotta head across town and unpack my own shit, so call me later okay?” He pulled Laura in for a kiss. The tension instantly left the girl’s body and her lips were compliant as ever.

Carmilla felt jealously swell inside of her, but as she watched Theo’s hands slip down and into Laura’s back pockets, squeezing the girl’s ass, she also felt a wave of arousal. God it had been way too long. She made a gagging noise. “I’m sorry, I just remembered I had to be anywhere other than here.” She shoved roughly past the couple in the doorway.

Laura panicked. “Carm, wait!” She grabbed at the girl’s wrist, stopping her roommate’s retreat. Carmilla’s eyes were murderous when she turned back to Laura.

Theo regarded the girls closely. “Wait you two know each other?”

Carmilla’s glare shifted toward the boy in the room. “We went to camp together,” she said with obvious spite.

Realization hit him like a ton of bricks. “Wait.” His eyes sought out Laura’s. “Is _she_ the girl? She’s the one who kept pressuring you into sexual situations at camp?”

Laura’s eyes widened. This was going to get really bad, really fast. She watched Carmilla’s face transform.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Carmilla shouted. “That’s what you told him?” She shook her head. “I’m the monster who forced myself on you? I’m the depraved girl who made you question your sexuality? I’m the big, bad _lesbian_ who made you _want_ it?” She huffed. “You know what. Fuck you.” She slammed the door behind her as she left. She’d made it about four steps when her phone rang. She slid the bar to answer.

_Fuck her yet?_

Carmilla rolled her eyes. “So _you're_ responsible for this? I should have known." She huffed. "I’m working on it.”

_Loser._

“Blow me,” she sneered, hanging up and continuing toward the practice building. She really had a lot to think about. She  _liked_ Laura. That much was for sure because of the jealousy she felt when seeing the girl with Theo. But she was also furious with the girl for stringing her along.

Laura’s face fell. Okay, yes, she was still hurt. She’d been a bet, a game for Carmilla. But, that didn’t change the fact that she still felt _something_ for the girl. She looked back at Theo. His face was a mixture of confusion and understanding.

“Laura,” Theo said quietly. “What _really_ happened at camp?”

Laura’s face crumpled. She buried her face in his chest. “Don’t make me say it,” she whispered.

Theo pulled away and looked down at his girlfriend. “Laura she didn’t… I mean – she didn’t – um – force you to…” He rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

Laura shook her head. “God. No. Theo. She didn’t – do – that.” She blushed. “She just – I don’t know, she knew where the line was and she just liked to dance all over it.”

Theo could tell that Laura was holding something back from him. Had Laura let this girl take her? Was she embarrassed about her own confusion so much that she would let someone take her? And then cover for them? “Hey, come here,” he whispered, pulling Laura over to her bed. “Where are your sheets? I think we need to make your room look like it’s lived in.” He smiled encouragingly.

Laura chuckled. She nudged a bag with her foot, smiling.

They made her bed and unpacked her things. When the room was finished, Theo pulled her down onto the bed and wrapped his arms around her from behind. “You know you can talk to me right, Laura? I’ll never judge you.” 

Laura turned in his arms and buried her face in his chest. “Just hold me,” she whispered.

* * *

When Carmilla returned to her dorm, it was to the sight of Laura wrapped up in Theo’s arms. They were both sound asleep. God what a fool she’d been. Laura was straight. The girl had _told_ Carmilla she was straight. But god, Laura had _lied_ to her. She said Theo had been over a year ago. Why had Laura lied? Was the girl experimenting? Was Laura bi-curious? Was her roommate just toying with her? Laura didn’t really seem like the type.

So where did that leave them? She flopped down on her bed, making as much noise as possible. She was going to get some answers from her roommate. And if she could get Laura all worked up in the process, that was just a bonus. Laura stirred in Theo’s arms. The girl’s eyes fluttered open and locked with Carmilla’s. Something almost like regret flashed over her roommate’s features before it was replaced with the calm indifference that usually adorned the girl’s face. “I think you’ve got some explaining to do cupcake,” Carmilla purred.

Laura’s eyes pleaded with Carmilla’s. _Not here. Not now. Not with him._

Carmilla knelt beside Laura’s bed. Her hand cupped the girl’s face. “Did you miss me, creampuff?” She brushed her thumb across Laura’s lip. “Did you miss that heat that pooled low in your stomach every time I touched you?” She trailed her fingers down Laura’s neck. “Did you miss that desire that you’ve only ever gotten from me?” Her fingers continued downward, between Laura’s breasts and across her stomach. She trailed a single finger over the seam of Laura’s jeans.

Theo woke to the sound of whispering. He immediately recognized Laura’s roommate’s voice. He felt Laura shudder against him.

Laura shuddered against Carmilla’s touch. “Please don’t,” she whispered.

“Don’t what, Laura?” She pressed her fingers harder against the girl. “Don’t make you _want_ it?” She rubbed at Laura through the denim. “Does he know?” she asked, her eyes shooting to the sleeping boy behind her roommate. “Does he know that he doesn’t make you hot? Does he know that he doesn’t turn you on? Does he know that I'm the only one who's made you think about my face buried between your thighs and my fingers buried deep inside your hot, wet cunt?”

Theo stayed completely still. He willed his breath to remain calm and even. He’d never turned Laura on before? That couldn’t be true. Laura’s body reacted to him. To his touch. Her nipples hardened against his palms. Her hips moved with his touch. After a few minutes of gentle rubbing, he could always feel her wetness against his fingers. He turned Laura on, right?

“Carm, please,” Laura whispered. Her hips shot forward, before retreating from the girl’s touch, and she pushed back against Theo. She felt him tense against her back. Her eyes snapped open wide. Oh god. Was he awake? Was he listening to this?

Laura’s frustrated whimper, and plea was something that he’d never heard from the girl. She never said a word when they were intimate. She never made a sound. He squeezed his eyes shut. Fuck. He tightened his grip against Laura in a show of waking up, but when his hand slipped down to her thigh, he bumped into something. His eyes flew open.

Carmilla’s hand retreated immediately. She stood and put some distance in between her and Laura. “Morning sundance,” she drawled sarcastically.

Laura’s eyes were shut tightly. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“Laura?” Theo asked hesitantly. “What’s going on?”

Laura shook her head. “What? Nothing! Carm was just waking me up to tell me that…”

Carmilla cut in to save Laura from making some lame excuse. “That I was heading out to the Back to School Bash. I wanted to know if she was coming or not.”

Laura sighed. That was a good excuse. “Oh right. Yes, I’m definitely coming. To the party. Coming to the party.” Smooth Hollis. Smooth. She thought about being at a party surrounded by people. It was _less_ panic-filled with the meds. Maybe she would actually have a little bit of fun. She got out of bed and started rifling through her wardrobe, pulling out a short black dress.

Theo dragged himself out of Laura’s bed and stared at his girlfriend. “Wait. You’re going to a party? With people? You? Surrounded by lots of people? At a party?”

Carmilla raised an eyebrow. “Don’t look so shocked lover boy. Laura enjoys my company,” she said suggestively. “Weren’t you supposed to be off unpacking your own shit right about now?” She looked back to Laura. “My band is playing the party tonight, if you want I can give you a tour of backstage.” She winked.

Theo’s brows furrowed. Was this girl really hitting on Laura right in front of him? He looked back at his girlfriend. Laura was _blushing._ He’d never really seen Laura blush before. She’d never been one to read too much into sexual innuendo before. At least – around him. It was all starting to come together. Laura didn’t just like girls. She liked _this_ girl. The girl that she was going to be sharing a room with for the next year. He felt a sinking feeling in his stomach. He’d just gotten her back…

Theo looked up at Laura with wide eyes. “Mind if I tag along?”

Laura grimaced. “Yeah no. Of course. That would be – that would be great.” She did her best to give him a proper smile. She _should_ want her boyfriend to accompany her, shouldn’t she?

Carmilla rolled her eyes. Of course. Of course they’d be bringing the puppy with them. Whatever, Laura was attracted to her, that much she knew. She just had to find a way to break through Laura’s walls. “You’re going to want to go change first Bromeo. I don’t think sweatpants are the latest party trend.

Theo looked down at his soccer warm ups. “Right. Okay then. I’ll just be about half an hour. I’ll text you when I’m outside. Okay baby?”

Laura nodded. “Okay, Theo.” She watched him shut the door softly behind him, leaving her alone with Carmilla. The girl rounded on her.

“I’m not big on third wheels, but hey, whatever floats your boat.” She eyed Laura.

Laura brows furrowed. “Just stop. Anything we might have had beyond friendship was _ruined_ the moment you decided to turn me into a _bet_.”

Carmilla’s eyes flashed. “Are you kidding me right now? I made that bet before I even knew you. _You_ were the one who decided to string me along all summer even though you had a fucking _boyfriend._ ”

Laura shook her head. “What?” Then realization hit her. “Carm, Theo and I didn’t get together until I came home from camp. He came by my house to apologize, and we, I mean. Why am I even explaining this to you? Theo _wants_ me. And you – you just wanted to win some stupid bet.”

Carmilla felt a lump in her throat. Laura hadn’t been stringing her along? The girl had really been single – and confused. And she’d pushed Laura right back into Theo’s arms by using the girl. She groaned internally. All the _feelings_ she’d started feeling for the girl rushed back. God she wanted Laura. Ell had manipulated her – yet again. Her step-sister probably read the entire article. Ell probably knew that Laura and Theo had only gotten together recently. “I told you, that was before I got to know you. Christ Laura, can you really blame me for something I did before we even met?” She shook her head. “Nothing I told you at camp was a lie. The way I made you feel, that was _real_. God Laura, you’re smart. You’re beautiful. Determined. You’re everything I’d want in a girlfriend.”

Laura shut her eyes. “How can you expect me to believe that now? How am I supposed to trust you after that?” She shook her head. “Come on. You’re smart? You’re beautiful? Listing my qualities on your fingers isn’t going to get you anywhere with me. The best you can hope for is my friendship, and you’re really walking a fine line at that.”

Carmilla frowned. “Then let me try harder. Come to the party. Let me show you that I can be a good friend.”

“I’m going to the party,” Laura sighed.

Carmilla smiled.

“With Theo,” Laura finished.

Her smile fell. “Fine,” she hissed. “Maybe I’ll see you there – you know – if he let’s you up for air.”

Laura frowned. She wasn’t going to let Carmilla get to her. She was finally feeling up for going out. She wasn’t even _really_ panicking about being around people. Maybe a little anxiety, but nothing she couldn’t handle. She took the dress to the bathroom to shower and get changed.

* * *

Carmilla got to the party and began setting up onstage. The Zetas were known for throwing the best parties. LaFontaine and Betty were already setting up.

Laf grinned when they saw her.

“Hey there Broody Gay. You ready to rock this place?” the redhead shouted.

Carmilla grinned. Laf was one of the few people she referred to as a friend. “Hell yeah!” she called out. “And I’ll do you one better, you know that song we’ve been working on?”

LaFontaine nodded.

“I’ve finally worked out some lyrics for it. We’re opening with it tonight.”

The redhead’s smiled widened. “Right on dude!”

Carmilla made her way over to the keg and poured herself a beer. How the Zetas smuggled beer onto the campus was beyond her, but they managed it every time. She chugged the first one and poured another, making her way back to the stage. She set up her gear and tuned her guitar, setting it on the stand. She turned to Laf and Betty. “How were your summers?”

Betty rolled her eyes. “My parents drove me absolutely insane the entire time. I was filling out college applications every day. I never thought I’d write _more_ essay in the summer than in the school year.”

Carmilla chuckled, turning to LaFontaine.

The redhead shrugged. “I um – I kind of met someone.”

Carmilla’s eyes went wide. “What? You met someone? Okay, details!”

Laf grinned. “Yeah, her name is Lola. She goes to SUP.”

Carmilla groaned. “Oh my god. You’re dating a girl from Prep?”

Laf shrugged again. “She’s not like the others. She’s not stuck up at all. Maybe a little – erratic. But it’s endearing.” They all laughed at that.

Laura and Theo showed up right on time. Laura had a thing about punctuality. They made their way through the throng of people and she immediately felt her anxiety kick in. “Hey,” she whispered. “I think I need some air.”

Theo nodded and grabbed Laura’s hand. He led her out the back door and into the yard. His eyes immediately landed on the small stage set up. And then on Carmilla, just picking up her guitar. “I’m going to grab a drink. You want anything?”

Laura glanced over at the table with the kegs. “Um – just a bottle of water.”

Theo nodded and made his way over to the beer.

Laura glanced back at Carmilla. She watched the girl grab the microphone and smile.

“Welcome back Silas U!” Carmilla screamed into the microphone. “I don’t know about you guys, but I had a pretty eventful summer. The girls at Styria Cheer Camp were _very_ accommodating,” she purred.

There were catcalls all around.

Carmilla grinned. “I may have had an epiphany. Or maybe I just blacked out for a while and dreamed it all, but this song is something you guys haven’t heard before. Let’s just say, it’s time to turn a new leaf.”

Laura watched as Carmilla strummed the electric guitar. It was very different than watching her play the acoustic. It sounded rough and raw. She didn’t know if she liked it or not.

 _Now I will tell you what I’ve done for you._  
_Fifty thousand tears I’ve cried._  
_Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you._  
_And you still won’t hear me. (I’m going under)_

Betty’s voice accompanied Carmilla’s perfectly. The music picked up and grew a little edgier. Laura watched Carmilla command the stage, and the attention of every guy – and most of the girls – outside.

 _Don’t want your hand this time – I’ll save myself._  
_And maybe I’ll wake up for once._  
_Not tormented daily, defeated by you._  
_Just when I thought I’d reached the bottom._

Theo handed her the bottle of water. “She’s good,” he said, clearly impressed.

Laura nodded. “She really is. Too bad she’s such a horrible person.”

Theo laughed. “Oh I don’t know. I’d flirt with you mercilessly too if I were her. You’re kind of a catch babe.” He winked at her.

Laura huffed. “Yeah well I was kind of a _bet_ too. Or did you forget that part?”

 _I’m dying again._  
_I’m going under. (Going under)_  
_Drowning in you (Drowning in you)_  
_I’m falling forever (Falling forever)_  
_I’ve got to break through._  
_I’m going under._

Theo frowned. Laura _did_ hold her grudges. He knew that all too well. But he was also starting to understand the situation a little better. Laura liked Carmilla, whether she wanted to or not, she felt something for the girl. “Maybe there was more to the story than you know.” He shrugged. “Besides, might as well try to forgive. You’re going to have to room with her for the whole year.”

Laura sighed. “Yeah, I’m already starting to regret not switching rooms immediately.” How was she going to make it through the year, when she could even make it through three months of the girl’s temptation? It still hurt – the fact that she’d been a bet – but Carmilla _did_ make sense. She’d made the bet before she’d met Laura. Could she really hold that against the girl?

 _Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies._  
_(So I don’t know what’s real and what’s not)_  
_Always confusing the thoughts in my head._  
_So I can’t trust myself anymore._

The song was raw. Laura could tell that Carmilla was using her emotions to power her voice. Her roommate really was talented. When Carmilla picked up a guitar, it was like the world stopped to listen. Like everything fell silent and even the wind held its breath. She watched her roommate with rapt attention.

 _I’m dying again._  
_I’m going under. (Going under)_  
_Drowning in you (Drowning in you)_  
_I’m falling forever (Falling forever)_  
_I’ve got to break through._

 _So go on and scream._  
_Scream at me I’m so far away. (So far away)_  
_I won’t be broken again. (Again)_  
_I’ve got to breathe – I can’t keep going under._

 _I’m dying again._  
_I’m going under. (Going under)_  
_Drowning in you (Drowning in you)_  
_I’m falling forever (Falling forever)_  
_I’ve got to break through._  
_I’m going under._

“Wow,” Theo whispered. “Not gonna lie. I kind of want to get their album.”

Laura laughed. She rolled her eyes. “You aren’t the _least_ bit jealous that she basically drooled all over me not an hour ago?”

Theo shrugged. “Why would I be jealous? I got the girl.” He winked and pulled Laura close. It was time to test his theory. He led Laura over to a secluded area, but made sure the girl still had a good view of the stage. He pushed her back against the wall of the house and trailed his fingers along her thigh.

Laura’s eyes sought out Theo’s. “There are people _everywhere_ ,” she whispered.

Theo cupped Laura sex. “No one’s watching.” He rubbed at Laura through her panties and watched the girl’s face. Calm indifference. When the band started playing again, he watched Laura’s eyes find the stage – and Carmilla. The girl spread her legs wider and bit her lip – her eyes never leaving her roommate. Laura’s hips rolled against his touch when Carmilla started singing. He closed his eyes. He’d never really had Laura to begin with… 

Carmilla watched Theo lead Laura away from the group of people. She watched as he pushed up against the wall and slipped his hand under her dress. She frowned as she felt the jealousy rise up inside of her like a wildfire. Then, Laura’s eyes found hers. The girl watched her even as she let Theo touch her. Carmilla smirked. Laura wanted her. Laura was going to be _hers_ one day.

* * *

“Come on babe. It’ll be fun.” Theo teased Laura. “You’ve never gotten to play before. You can’t graduate high school without ever having played truth or dare.”

Laura groaned. “This game is childish. And mostly perverted. I can only imagine what some of these frat boys will come up with.”

Theo laughed. “That’s half the fun sweetness. Come on. If you don’t have fun in the first fifteen minutes, we can call it a night.”

Laura nodded. “Fine.” They sat down in the group that was circled around the bonfire. Laura spotted Carmilla instantly. Their eyes locked. Carmilla smirked. She instantly regretted her decision to play.

After a few rounds. A boy – Laura had recently learned was named Kirsch – was calling her out. “Truth or dare, Hollis?”

Laura’s eyes went wide. The truths people had been getting all night were _not_ things she wanted to discuss with a group of strangers. While most of the dares had been relatively mild – surprisingly. “Dare,” she stated calmly.

Kirsch’s eyebrows shot up. “I dare you to make out with…” he searched the small circle.

Laura’s eyes darted to Carmilla’s then quickly away. Though, the boy must have seen.

“Carmilla. For ninety seconds,” Kirsch finished. Grinning widely.

Laura closed her eyes. Of course. This is what happens when you give into peer pressure. She crawled over to Carmilla. The girl’s eyes were burning into her own. She bit her lip. She knelt in front of Carmilla and leaned forward. When her lips met Carmilla’s it was like someone set her blood on fire. Her fingers threaded through the dark, silky waves and pulled the girl closer.

Carmilla’s hands found Laura’s hips instantly, and she pulled the girl into her lap. Laura straddled her hips and the kiss deepened. She was vaguely aware of the catcalls from her group of friends. Her eyes opened and locked with Theo’s. The boy looked deep in thought. She lost herself in Laura again until Kirsch was calling time.

Theo watched the two girls fall into each other. He could tell there was something there. Laura was definitely not telling him about something that had happened at camp. He felt a pang of jealousy, but quickly pushed it down. Laura was a great person. She deserved to be happy, even if it wasn’t with him. Maybe if he helped her figure it all out, they could at least remain friends. He leaned over the Will, the guy he’d been chatting with earlier. “I’ve got a proposition,” he whispered.

Laura pulled away and stared at the girl. She took a shaky breath. “You taste like cigarettes,” she frowned. Then turned and, without another glance, made her way back to her seat. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Carmilla sat there, eyes wide. Laura’s lips were so soft. The girl’s mouth tasted like strawberry chapstick. God she was so fucked. She felt Laura’s gaze on her, but refused to meet it. She had to get her breathing under control first.

Another boy stood up. Will Luce. Laura thought she remembered him introducing himself earlier. “Alright kids. My house. My rules. For this next dare. Everyone gets blindfolded except for me. I’m going to pair you up and send you off to Seven Minutes in Heaven.” He smirked. “Kirsch. Make sure those blindfolds are tight.”

When the handkerchief went over Laura’s eyes, she began to panic. She couldn’t see a thing. Hands were leading her into the house and pushing her into what appeared to be a closet. She was breathing heavily. Her heart was racing. Another person was pushed into her, and she immediately backed away. Right into the wall. Okay, there wasn’t a lot of space. Hands were on her face and her heart started to race, before she recognized the touch. She’d know those calloused, yet soft fingers anywhere. Her panic eased. Carmilla.

Carmilla’s hands trailed along a sharp jawline and high cheekbones. She threaded her fingers in silky hair as best she could with the blindfold. At least it was another girl. She pushed herself against the girl. Her hands went straight to knead at the soft breasts pressed against her. A husky moan filled the closet. She smirked. She trailed open-mouthed kisses along the girl’s neck and downward. When she got to the thin strap of a dress, she pulled it aside and bit at the girl’s collarbone. Hands threaded in her hair and tugged her up to wet lips. And strawberry flavored chapstick. Laura. She immediately deepened the kiss.

Her hands trailed down Laura’s torso and even further down the girl’s thighs. Then she slowly dragged them upward, pulling Laura’s dress up with them. She pushed a thigh between the girl’s legs and ground her hips forward. She could feel the dampness of the girl’s panties against her thigh.

Laura moaned. “Fuck. Carm?”

Carmilla chuckled. “Who else can turn you on like this cutie?”

Laura rolled her hips against Carmilla’s thigh. “No one,” she whispered. She grabbed Carmilla, grinding their hips together. She was hit with a wave of arousal that coursed through her entire body. “Fuck. Stop. Stop. I can’t.”

Carmilla pulled away instantly. “What’s wrong?”

Laura cupped Carmilla’s face in her hands. “This,” she whispered. “This is wrong. I – I can’t be gay. I can’t be. And – I’m with Theo.”

Carmilla sighed. “Of course. How could I forget about Boy Wonder?”

“Carm, don’t. Theo’s – he's sweet.” She pushed the girl away. “He treats me well. And – my dad likes him. He’s safe. He doesn’t make me feel – out of control.”

Carmilla frowned. She knew all about feeling out of control. She was pretty much feeling that right at this moment. Something about Laura just turned her on so hard. And it had been a _while_. “Fine. Yeah okay. I get it. Just…” She unbuttoned her pants. “Fuck Laura. There’s something about you. I’m _so_ sorry about this summer. What I did was – unforgivable. But I need you so bad right now.”

Laura froze. _Need?_ Carmilla _needed_ her? “What?” she whispered. “You – you _need_ me?”

“So bad,” Carmilla whispered. She took Laura’s hand and guided it down her pants.

Laura gasped when her fingers slid through the wet heat of Carmilla’s sex. “Oh my god,” she whispered. “I – I did this?”

“Fuck Laura. No one has ever made me so wet before.” She pushed her hips forward.

Laura trailed her fingers along Carmilla’s pussy. The girl felt like wet silk. Hot. Wet. Silk. Her breath was ragged as she circled Carmilla’s clit with her fingers. "God, why can't I say no to you?" She pushed down and was about to slip inside, when a loud bang on the door startled them apart. “Times up!” Kirsch yelled from outside.

Carmilla quickly buttoned her pants, just as the door flung open. She pulled the blindfold off and watched as Laura did the same. Their eyes met. She smiled slightly. That was until she looked around and spotted Ell. Her step-sister smirked.

"You must be Laura," Ell purred. "I'm Ell, Carmilla's step-sister. I've heard  _so_ much about you."

 _Step-sister?_ She glanced at Carmilla. Wait. Her roommate was in love with her  _sister_ _?_ "Um, hi," she stuttered. She looked back to Carmilla. The girl's eyes were murderous. 

"What do you want Ell?" Carmilla growled.

Ell smirked. "I was just coming to see if you had sealed the deal of course." She raised an eyebrow. 

Laura's brows furrowed. She looked at Carmilla again. "What's she talking about Carm?"

Ell laughed. "Carm? Oh isn't  _that_ adorable. Pet names already?"

"Back off Ell," Carmilla snarled. She wasn't about to let her step-sister ruin things with Laura  _again_. "Come on Laura, let's get out of here." She grabbed the girl's hand and tugged Laura out of the closet. The symbolism wasn't lost on her.

"God you're so pathetic," Ell sneered.

Laura frowned. "Hey don't talk about her like that. Carmilla's - she's kind of amazing."

Ell laughed. "Oh yeah, she's a real glittering diamond that one. I'm sure she's told you by now that she made yet  _another_ wager for your virginity, then. And you of course forgave her and made up and everything is  _perfect_ now huh?"

Laura rounded on Carmilla. "Is that true?"

Carmilla frowned. Her eyes turned downward.

"Is that true?" Laura shouted. "Am I a bet? Am I a bet!? Am I a _fucking_ bet?!?"

Carmilla couldn't meet Laura's yes. "Yes," she whispered.

Laura frowned. “I have to go.” She quickly found Theo and dragged the boy away from the party.

“Hey, Laura. Slow down,” Theo called. “What’s wrong with you? What happened in that closet?”

Laura’s eyes went wide. “What? Nothing!” She shook her head, trying to rid herself of the feeling of wet silk against her fingers. “I just – you know how I get around strangers. And being thrown into a closet and blindfolded just – I kind of panicked. I just needed to get away.”

Theo nodded. He didn’t believe her for a second. He’d seen Laura’s swollen lips and ragged breathing when Kirsch had opened the door. If he hadn’t been certain before, he definitely was now. Laura liked Carmilla. And he would be a terrible person if he tried to keep her from exploring that for his own selfish reasons. An idea hit him then. “Hey,” he whispered, slipping his hand into hers. “Um – so this is going to sound weird but – watching you make out with your roommate was _really_ hot. You think – maybe she’d be up for doing something like that again? Maybe like – in the privacy of your dorm room? So I can watch?”

Laura stopped dead in her tracks. “What!?!” She rounded on the boy with wide, panic-filled eyes. “Why would you want to watch that? I’m your girlfriend! Isn’t that supposed to make you jealous?”

Theo shrugged. “I mean, if it was another boy I’d definitely be jealous. But Carmilla? And you? That’s hot.”

Laura shook her head. That was a really confusing thought. Why would Theo ask her to do that? “I don’t know Theo. That just sounds like a bad idea.”

Theo nodded. “Well, I’d never make you do anything you were uncomfortable with. But, I mean, you said that maybe you liked girls right? What better way to figure it out for sure?”

Laura bit her lip. She’d already figured that out. She knew she liked Carmilla. Maybe she didn’t like _girls_ per se. But she definitely felt something for her roommate. “I guess I could ask her. If – if that’s what you really want. I mean, would that make you happy?”

Theo frowned. God, he was the one using Laura’s disorder against her now. But it was for the greater good right? Maybe Laura just needed a little nudge to really understand what she wanted. “It would _totally_ make me happy,” he whispered, ignoring the huge knot forming in his stomach at the thought of willingly handing Laura over to someone else. Willingly giving her up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://hollsteinFF.tumblr.com
> 
> @H0llst3inFF
> 
> Song: Evanescence - Going Under


	7. Perfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura takes Theo to the Back to School Bash. Carmilla's band is playing the party. When the drinking games start, the two roommates find themselves thrust together - quite literally - in a dark closet. The night erupts into a world of chaos and the daylight breaks. How long will it take them to sort everything out. 
> 
> Longer than seven minutes - long enough for an entire lifetime to flash before their eyes...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god. I apologize to the readers - in advance. Because I just took this story into some kind of fucked up WORLD of angst and pain. I’m not even really sure how my mind ended up here tonight, but it is REALLY not a direction I saw this story heading in. Shit just got deep. And raw. And I want to forewarn you before you continue with the story. Trigger warnings for Trauma, Post-Traumatic Stress, and mental breakdowns.
> 
> Just remember - this is a PLOT TWIST. I promise, promise, promise, I will NOT end this story with a tragedy. Just, stay with me, for a few more chapters - if you dare - and I will unfold a story that is SURE to hit you in the feels. Just - don’t hate me in the interim - cause shit’s about to get REAL dark...

Carmilla got back to the dorm room late. She was attempting to stay as quiet as she could, until she realized that Laura’s bed was empty. Her roommate wasn’t here. Laura was staying with Theo. The sinking feeling in her stomach was – new. And uncomfortable. She felt the hot sting of tears behind her eyes. She tried her best to blink them away. To get rid of any signs of weakness. But it was no use. She wanted Laura. She wanted her in a way that was more than just sexual. She wanted to _know_ the girl. She wanted to – she wanted to make Laura happy. And all she’d done so far – was make Laura feel even worse about herself than before.

The tears rolled down her cheeks. “Fuck,” she whispered to the empty room. Her phone buzzed and she answered without even looking.

_That was quite the exit. I’d ask what you did to her in that closet, but since you’re not gloating in my face right now, I assume all you did was choke._

Carmilla felt the knot form in her throat. “Fuck you Ell,” she whispered hoarsely. “You’re a child, and you understand _nothing_.”

_Not true. I’ve realized after tonight, that your roommate is certifiable. Like seriously clinical. I watched that girl all night. It’s like something in her head doesn’t connect where it’s supposed to. Your mother would have a field day trying to figure out that girl’s issues._

Carmilla felt all of the emotions she’d kept for Ell start to drain away. Her step-sister was making fun of Laura. Ell was degrading the girl, and it was _pissing her off_. “Don’t talk about her like that,” she growled. “You don’t know her. You know what? Don’t call me again. You can spend this year like every other year – pretending I don’t fucking exist.”

Ell laughed. _Oh my god. You’ve fallen for the nut case. Jesus Carmilla. Seriously? Are you that desperate?_

Carmilla’s eyes widened and her nostrils flared. She threw the phone against the wall, watching as it shattered into pieces. Laura wasn’t a nut case. She was one of the most genuine people Carmilla had ever met. So yeah, the girl may be confused. And Laura might not react to situations the way people usually did, but that didn’t make her crazy. It made her unique. It set her apart from others. It made the girl endearing. 

She shook her head, wiping at her eyes. She _was_ falling for Laura. Hard. And fast. Her roommate was pushing Ell out of her thoughts. For the first time, Carmilla was seeing her step-sister for what the girl really was. A cold, manipulative bitch. She stared at Laura’s empty bed and another wave of tears rolled from her eyes. Laura deserved so much better than her. Why should she even bother trying? Someone like Laura could never love her. She continued to cry softly against her pillow, until eventually, she’d exhausted herself enough for sleep.

* * *

Theo had dropped Laura off at her dorm hours ago, but she hadn’t gone inside. There was so much to think about. She _liked_ Carmilla as fucked up as it was. She liked her roommate, not Theo. The boy may be safe and accepted, but she would never love him. And he deserved better than what she was giving him – which was false hope.

Carmilla had yet again used her. But the night had felt so _real_. Carmilla had been angry with her when they’d first seen each other again. Carmilla had thought Laura had been stringing her along all summer. The girl thought Laura had been with Theo that whole time. Maybe Carmilla had made _this_ bet when she was still in that mindset. Maybe this was – yet again – another misunderstanding. Carmilla had sounded so broken when she’d admitted that Laura was a bet. Maybe the girl regretted making the wager. She at least owed her roommate a chance to explain. She hadn’t given Carmilla that chance the first time, and look where _that_ had gotten them. Carmilla may feel nothing toward her but sexual attraction, but maybe she should just allow herself to explore that. She couldn’t do that while she was with Theo, though. She pulled out her phone.

 **Laura:** Can we talk?

 **Theo:** Of course. What’s on your mind babe?

 **Laura:** I think we should break up…

Ten minutes had passed and Theo still hadn’t answered. Had her text not sent? Was Theo mad at her? Was the boy devastated and crying his eyes out somewhere?

 **Laura:** Theo?

Theo stared at his phone. Okay, that was out of nowhere. Well, he really couldn’t say that. He’d come to terms with the fact that Laura was interested in Carmilla. Laura wasn’t the type of girl that would cheat on someone – at least he didn’t think. Maybe she was finally taking a step toward figuring out what she really wanted. And she had done it by herself – with no coaxing. Yes, he was sad, but he was also strangely _proud_ of his girlfriend – ex-girlfriend – friend?

 **Theo:** If that’s what you feel is right for you. Then I can’t really argue. But, does that mean you’re going to stop talking to me? Because, I’d like to try to be friends. I still think you’re amazing.

Laura’s eyes widened. She hadn’t been expecting that. She’d expected Theo to put up a fight. To argue. To tell her why they are meant for each other. It was almost like the boy had been expecting it.

 **Laura:** I think I’d like that. You’re one of the few friends I have. I don’t want to lose that. I just – I don’t think we’re right for each other. And I think you deserve the chance to find someone who _is_ right for you.

Theo smiled. It was nice to know that Laura cared about him as well. He did care deeply for the girl. It wasn’t because he thought she was delicate-minded either. He hadn’t been lying, he really did think Laura was amazing. The girl could make you go through an entire encyclopedia of emotions simply by pressing the keys of a piano. When Laura gave you her attention, it was like no one else was in the room. It made you feel special, because she so rarely let anything keep her attention for long.

 **Theo:** Laura, just – do me a favor. I see the way you look at Carmilla. But I also noticed the way she looks at you, tonight when she thought that no one was looking. Give her a chance.

Laura stared at Theo’s text. Did Carmilla really pay attention to her when she wasn’t looking? Should she give the girl another chance? Carmilla _hadn’t_ known her when she’d made the bet. Maybe – maybe she’d judged her roommate too harshly. Maybe Carmilla had been genuine with her at camp, and she’d let some past mistake ruin anything they could have had. Was Carmilla still willing to try?

She walked by a couple of girls sitting on one of the benches.

“Hey Laura,” one of the girls said, nodding her head in acknowledgement.

Laura paused. “Um, hey,” she said awkwardly. She recognized the girl from the party. Mel, she thought she remembered was the girl’s name. Carmilla had briefly introduced them. She kept walking. People acknowledging her didn’t make any sense. Had that ever happened before? Before Carmilla that is…

Her roommate had said she _needed_ her. And okay, while Carmilla had probably meant needed – sexually. Maybe not _just_ sexually. Maybe there was more to the girl’s words. She turned and headed back toward the dormitory. She still had a lot to think about, and everything was overwhelming her at the moment, but maybe – maybe she just needed a little help sorting it out. She pulled out her phone again and dialed her father’s number. Why couldn’t she figure anything out on her own? She didn’t even realize she was crying until she felt the tears on her cheeks.

_Hey pumpkin._

Laura sniffled. “Hey daddy,” she whispered.

_What’s wrong Laura?_

“I don’t know,” she sobbed. “Everything is overwhelming here. Maybe I made the wrong decision. Maybe I should have stayed at home.”

_Are you crying Laura? What have I always told you about crying?_

Laura sniffled and wiped her eyes, steeling her nerves. “Crying makes people around you uncomfortable, and it doesn’t help you figure anything out.”

_That’s right sweetheart. You know your mannerisms already tend to set people on edge a little as it is. You don’t need to completely alienate yourself by making them even more uncomfortable. Chin up, Laura. Keep a smile on your face, and you’ll make more friends that way._

Laura nodded, then felt stupid because her father couldn’t see her. “Okay daddy,” she whispered.

_That’s a good girl. You’ve just got to push yourself a little harder. You can do anything you set your mind on if you just try a little harder._

“I’ll try harder daddy. I promise. I’ll make you proud.” She paused _._ “I” – _love you_ – “I probably need to go to bed now. Have a good night.”

_You too pumpkin. Try not to overthink things too much. That’s when you really screw things up. Just let it happen. Show them who you really are. Show them that you’re perfect…_

Laura hung up the phone and stuffed it back into her pocket. _Perfect_. She wasn’t perfect. She was far from perfect. She was flawed in unimaginable ways. Her brain was flawed. Her body was flawed. Her personality was flawed. The way she viewed the world was flawed. How was she supposed to make them see perfection when all she saw when she looked in the mirror was one imperfection laid on top of the next?

She pushed the door of her dorm open and immediately looked to Carmilla’s bed. The girl was asleep – still in her clothes. Carmilla had probably gotten drunk after Laura had left the party and come back just to pass out. At least there wasn’t another girl in her roommate’s bed though. Come to think of it, she hadn’t seen Carmilla with another girl since before camp had ended. At least the last month, she hadn’t walked in on anything awkward. Her brows furrowed. Come to think of it, it was almost like Carmilla stopped sleeping around when they had decided to try and be friends. Maybe she should have tried harder to be a good friend.

Her father’s words bounced around her head.

_Show them that you’re perfect._

_Push yourself a little harder._

_Try a little harder._

_Don’t screw it up._

_Make me proud._

_Do as you’re told._

_Keep a smile on your face._

_Never let them see you cry._

_Crying is for the weak._

_Strong people keep their emotions under control._

_Take your meds, Laura._

_Show them that you’re perfect…_

Sometimes when Carmilla looked at her, she almost _felt_ perfect. It was like her roommate had this certain look, reserved just for her, but she’d only ever seen it a few times, when she’d been looking away and then glanced back at the girl. The look would shift almost immediately, but she’d caught it a few times. She’d never felt closer to perfect than when she saw that look. When Carmilla had held her at camp, she felt like there wasn’t anything she couldn’t do. Yes, it had still been confusing, but, her roommate had a way of making her feel stronger than she actually was. She stared at the sleeping girl. She bit her lip. She should give her roommate another chance. She changed into her pajamas and slipped into Carmilla’s bed, pressing her face against the girl’s back.

Carmilla was awoken by the feeling of a strong arm wrapping around her waist. She immediately tensed. She turned just enough to see Laura’s profile. The girl’s eyes were closed, but her brows were pinched together in a telling sign that Laura was still awake. “To what do I owe the pleasure, creampuff?” she said hoarsely.

Laura’s eyes fluttered open and she took in Carmilla’s face. She could see the salt trails down the girl’s cheeks. Carmilla had been crying? “What’s wrong?”

Carmilla shook her head. “I’m so sorry Laura. I’m so sorry. I know you don’t owe me anything, and I know that I’ve already had more than enough chances, but I made that bet when I was mad at you. I thought you – I thought you were with Theo and that you were just leading me on all summer. I was hurt and angry and I was stupid and I’m so sorry.”

Laura cupped her roommate’s cheek. “Thank you for explaining that.” She shook her head. "I want to believe you, I do. Because I – I care about you.”

Carmilla’s eyes widened. Laura cared about her? Well that was new. Why would Laura care about her? All she’d ever done was confuse the girl and use her in a stupid game. But, she worried about Laura too. She wanted the girl to be safe. She wanted Laura to be happy. “I care about you too, Laura.” Had she _ever_ said those words to anyone before? She couldn’t remember. But if she had to guess, she’d say probably not. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a dick to you. I just – sometimes I don’t really know how to express myself. And a lot of times, the only way I _can_ express myself is through – well sex – or – at least touch. But – I mean – I want to know you, Laura.”

Laura nodded. “I like it when you touch me,” she whispered. “It makes me feel things. But I – want to do things with you. I just – I can’t help but think that you’re going to realize afterward – or during – that I’m not good enough.”

Carmilla shook her head. “Look, Laura. I’m not going to try to pretend I understand anything of what’s going on between us. I’m a little out of my depth here. But I do know, that in seventeen years, you’re the _only_ one I’ve found worth _trying_ for. You’re – you’re kind of perfect.” In a few short weeks, Laura had completely washed every thought of Ell from her brain. She hadn’t even realized it until tonight. When she kissed Laura – she actually kissed Laura – she didn’t pretend the girl was the ghost of someone she used to love.

“I’m not perfect. I’ll never be perfect,” Laura whispered. She closed her eyes. “Come with me?” She stood from the bed and tugged on Carmilla’s hand.

Carmilla's brows furrowed. “Where are we going? It’s like…” she glanced at the clock. “Three in the morning.”

Laura’s lips quirked up in a sad smile. “We’re going to the practice room. I want to play something for you.”

Carmilla’s eyes widened. “You want to play for me? Like for real? You’re actually going to let me hear you play?”

Laura chuckled. “Carm, it’s not like a hide it from anyone. I play all the time. You would eventually hear me anyway.”

Carmilla shook her head. “But that’s different. You’re playing _for_ me.” She blinked. “You’re playing for _me._ ” 

Laura tilted her head to the side. “I’m not playing for anyone at the moment. Come on. Get up.”

* * *

Laura sat in front of the piano in one of the practice rooms. Carmilla was sitting on the floor with her back leaned against the wall. “You said you wanted to know me,” she whispered. “But I can’t really give you anything concrete. I’m not the same person now, that I was even when you said that. I’m never the same person. I can only let you know who I am right _now_. And by the time I’m finished telling you, I’ll be someone else.”

Carmilla stared at the girl. “I think that is the deepest thing I’ve ever heard anyone say. And I read a _lot_ of philosophy.”

Laura chuckled. “Flatterer.” She pressed her fingers against the keys. “Hey,” she said calmly, giving Carmilla a little smile.

Carmilla grinned. “Hey.”

Laura’s smiled widened. Her fingers continued playing the simple melody. “I’m Laura. And this is who I am – at the moment.” She’d had this song worked out for a while, but she never really allowed herself to play it. It felt – disrespectful. It made her feel as if she were ungrateful for everything her father had done for her. And it wasn’t that. She wasn’t ungrateful – just – exhausted.

 _Sometimes, is never quite enough._  
_If you’re flawless, then you’ll win my love._  
_Don’t forget to win first place._  
_Don’t forget to keep that smile on your face._

Carmilla felt that sinking feeling in her chest again. Laura really thought she had to be perfect for everyone? How much pressure did the girl put on herself on a day-to-day basis? How lonely that must feel.

 _Be a good girl._  
_Try a little harder._  
_You’ve got to measure up._  
_Make me prouder._

It hit Carmilla then, that Laura wasn’t singing about the world in general. The girl was singing about her parents. Her dislike for Laura’s father grew even stronger than when he’d called Laura _stupid_ on the phone. Carmilla didn’t know much of the girl’s mother, but the woman couldn’t be much better off if this is how her roommate felt. How dare those people put so much pressure on their own daughter?

Laura could feel the anger and resentment bubbling up inside of her. She could hear every word her father had ever said. Telling her to be better. Try harder. Study more. Be perfect. She let the anger explode in her voice.

 _How long, before you screw it up?_  
_How many times do I have to tell you, to hurry up?_  
_With everything I do, for you._  
_The least you can do is keep quiet._

Carmilla was certain now. Laura’s parents had neglected the girl. They had criticized her and belittled her and made her feel less than. She shook her head. Laura’s voice was so strong. So passionate. It was filled with raw emotion. Then the girl grew soft and quiet again.

 _Be a good girl._  
_You’ve gotta try a little harder._  
_That simply wasn’t good enough._  
_To make us proud._

Laura let all of the emotions she’d been repressing come to the forefront of her mind. She pounded against the keys of the piano. She could feel the tears on her cheeks, but she didn’t care. Crying didn’t make her weak. It made her _human_. Something she hadn’t felt in a long time – if ever.

 _I’ll live through you._  
_I’ll make you what I never was._  
_If you’re the best._  
_Then maybe so am I._  
_Compared to him._  
_Compared to her._  
_I’m doing this for your own damn good._  
_You’ll make up for what I blew._  
_What’s the problem?_  
_Why are you crying?_

The music grew soft again and Carmilla fought the urge to stop Laura’s playing and just pull the girl into her arms. She wanted to comfort Laura. She wanted to wipe the girl’s tears away and make her smile again. God. What had this girl _done_ to her?

 _Be a good girl._  
_Push a little farther now._  
_That wasn’t fast enough._  
_To make us happy._

 _We’ll love you._  
_Just the way you are._  
_If you’re perfect._

Laura faded out the song. She stared into Carmilla’s eyes. “I’m Laura. I’m not perfect. I’ll never be perfect. I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. I can’t – I can’t sort things out in my head. I can’t handle confrontation. I can’t handle rejection. So I just avoid people altogether. Social situations make me panic. And I – I think I might be – gay. Which leads to a whole other world of problems. Because I _can’t_ be gay. My dad will _kill_ me.”

Carmilla moved to sit beside Laura. She wiped the tears from the girl’s face. She pressed a gentle kiss to Laura’s lips. “I’m Carmilla. I’m a sex addict. I’m scared of commitment because I know that I’ll never be able to offer anyone anything more than physical pleasure. And I – sometimes my thoughts scare me…”

Laura laced her fingers through Carmilla’s. “We’re both so completely fucked up,” she whispered. 

Carmilla shook her head. “We’re both so completely _perfect.”_

* * *

The walk back across campus was slow. They had stopped to watch the sun rise over the distant peaks of the mountains that bordered Styria. Laura hadn’t let go of Carmilla’s hand the entire time. This morning felt perfect. Everything was perfect. Nothing could mess this day up. They had just stepped into the dormitory lounge, when they heard the first shot fired in the west wing…

Laura immediately panicked. She dropped to her knees and put her hands over her ears. She squeezed her eyes shut. More shots were fired and with each burst of shots, she sank lower to the floor, hoping desperately that the ground would just open up and swallow her whole. She could vaguely hear Carmilla’s voice. It sounded like it was from underwater. She was having a panic attack. Oh god. Why now?

Carmilla watched Laura drop to the floor. The girl’s breathing was rapid and Laura wasn’t responding to anything she was saying. She had to get the girl out of here. She had to get Laura somewhere safe. Right now, they were out in the open. They were sitting ducks. “Laura please, listen to me, we have to get somewhere safe.” She heard screams coming from all around. There were the rapid footsteps of people running up and down the halls before everything fell deathly silent. She realized that people were in hiding. Locked inside their dorm rooms, with the lights shut off, barely breathing. Hoping beyond hope, that whoever the gunman was, wasn’t looking for them.

The silence was deafening. Laura couldn’t tell what terrified her more – the shots or the silence. Carmilla was pulling on her arm, trying to force her to her feet, but her body wasn’t listening. She felt the girl’s strong arms slip under the bend of her knees and behind her shoulders. Then she felt weightlessness.

Carmilla cradled Laura to her chest and walked, softly, but deliberately to the small closet that held the janitor’s cleaning gear. She tried to turn the knob, but it was locked. She heard a door open somewhere behind them, and she froze. She slowly turned her head but saw nothing. Then she heard the loud rapid fire of a machine gun. Whoever it was, was still in the hallway. She heard a door being kicked open. More screaming. More shots fired. The screaming went silent.

Another door. More screaming. More shots fired. The screaming went silent…

Another door. More screaming. More shots fired. The screaming went silent…

Another door. More screaming. More shots fired. The screaming went silent…

Another door. More screaming. More shots fired. The screaming went silent…

She jerked out of the fear-induced daze she’d been in and turned to head toward the door that led outside. If she could just get Laura to her car. The door of the lobby opened up. She froze again. She was still in the small offshoot that held the janitor’s closet. Behind her was the door leading to the west wing of first floor dorms. She looked down to tell Laura to be quiet, but the girl had completely passed out. She repositioned Laura, and slowly walked backwards toward the door. She could hear footsteps. Slow and deliberate footsteps. When she reached the door, she silently pulled it open, making no sound as she closed it.

She turned and gasped. There were bodies littering the hallway. Some she knew, others she’d only seen in passing. She spared none of them a second glance as she made her way down the hall. She stopped at an open door and pushed her way inside. She gently laid Laura on the cold tiles. She slid down against the wall until she was sitting. She pulled Laura’s head into her lap. More shots were fired. She heard the door to the west wing open once again. The footsteps grew louder. She looked around. There was really nowhere to hide. No one was in this room, thankfully, but the gunman was sure to notice the closed door. She glanced around hectically. She spotted a serrated knife on the counter of the kitchenette. She leaned over to grab it. What the fuck was she thinking? She couldn’t fight off a gunman with a kitchen knife. They were fucked. She’d failed. She’d failed Laura.

As the footsteps grew closer, Laura stirred in her lap. She clamped her hand over the girl’s mouth as Laura’s eyes fluttered open. Laura glanced at her with confusion. Then her memory must have come back, because panic filled her eyes. Carmilla placed a finger to her mouth. Laura nodded. She had to think quick. What could she do? Suddenly, it hit her – and she drove the knife deep into her own side. It was just a flesh wound, really, but it hurt like _hell_.

The blood flowed freely. She took her hand and rubbed it against the wound. Then she smeared the blood over Laura’s chest and neck. She pushed the girl down. “Close your eyes and don’t open them. Don’t move. Don’t even breath,” she whispered. She lowered her body beside Laura’s, hiding the knife under her. She closed her eyes, just as the door was kicked open.

The pinky of Carmilla’s right hand was draped delicately over Laura’s. It was the only comfort that she had in this moment. Her heart was racing, but she held her breath like her roommate had demanded. She didn’t move. She didn’t open her eyes. Carmilla’s pinky was the only thing that was keeping her anchored in this world. She could feel her head spinning from the lack of oxygen. The gunman was taking much too long. It was almost as if they _knew_ and they were just toying with the two of them. Laura had all but resigned herself to the fact that she was about to die. She was going to die. She was going to die – and she had never even _really_ felt Carmilla’s touch. Or anyone’s for that matter. She’d pushed away physical intimacy for so long, and now that she _finally_ wanted it. Now that she _finally_ saw herself opening up to someone. _Loving_ someone. It was going to be taken away. In a matter of seconds.

The gunman laughed. Carmilla felt her heart sink in her chest.

“Very clever. Not gonna save you,” a familiar voice drawled.

She opened her eyes. “Will…” she breathed.

The boy raised an eyebrow. “Surprised?” He pointed the gun at her.

“Why?” she asked softly.

Will’s face contorted into a twisted sneer. “Why? Really? After you left the party got busted by campus security. I got cited. They took me down to the station. I spent the night in _jail_. For providing alcohol to minors.” He shook his head. “Do you know which Ivey League schools admit applicants with a criminal record?”

She shook her head.

“None,” the boy snarled. His eyes shot over to her roommate. He pointed the rifle at Laura.

Carmilla let her gaze drift to her roommate. Laura’s eyes were wide, and the girl was breathing heavily.

Will looked back in Carmilla’s direction. “So I figured, if my life was over, then I might as well return the favor. To every last person that attended that party.”

Carmilla heard Laura let out a sob. She shook her head. “Will you don’t have to do this,” she pleaded.

Will laughed hollowly. “You’re right. I don’t. But I’m going to anyway. See the thing is, I actually really like you Carmilla. So, I’m only going to kill one of you.” He pointed the gun at Laura again. “Question is, who’s it gonna be?”

Laura stared down the barrel of the rifle. Her vision began to tunnel. The blackness was creeping in, and the dizziness was taking over. She heard the click of a bolt being pulled back, and everything went black.

* * *

When she woke up, she was back in her dorm room. In her own bed. The blankets pulled high up to her chin. She rolled over and sat up. Carmilla was lying on her back on top of the blankets. The girl’s leg was hanging over the edge of her bed. Laura blinked. What had happened?

She got out of bed and crawled into Carmilla’s. She pulled the girl close to her.

Carmilla stirred. She opened her eyes to meet Laura’s wide gaze. “Morning cutie,” she whispered.

“What happened?” Laura asked. “How did we…”

Carmilla chuckled. “You kind of passed out kid. And I – I was able to talk Will down. Sort of. I talked until the police arrived and – well, they – took him down.”

Laura bit her lip. “You – you _saved_ me.”

Carmilla smiled a sad smile. “I _love_ you…”

Emotions swirled inside of Laura. Love? Carmilla _loved_ her? She surged forward and crashed their lips together. She pulled away enough to tug her shirt over her head. “Carm,” she whispered against the girl’s lips. “I thought I was going to die. I thought I was going to die and never be able to feel you against me. I don’t want that to happen. I want – I want you.”

Carmilla smiled into Laura’s kiss. Her hands trailed up her roommate’s bare back. “Are you sure about this?” she whispered against Laura’s lips.

Laura nodded. She’d never been more certain of anything in her life.

Carmilla’s hands trailed along Laura’s sides and up to cup the girl’s breasts. She felt Laura’s nipples harden against her palms. “I love how your body reacts to me.” She kneaded Laura’s breasts and reveled in the small moan that the girl made. Her fingers rolled Laura’s nipples into rock hard little nubs, then she pulled away from the kiss, and dipped to take a stiff bud into her mouth.

Laura gasped. “Oh god,” she panted. When Theo had put is mouth on her, her body had reacted, sure, but it was simply a biological response. With Carmilla’s lips wrapped around her, she felt heat. She felt passion. She felt _need_. She threaded her fingers through Carmilla’s hair and held the girl against her chest. “Don’t stop,” she whispered. “Please don’t ever stop.”

Carmilla grinned around Laura’s nipple. She dragged her teeth around the hard bud and released it with a wet pop. “You’re talking to a sex addict, cutie. Stopping is _not_ what’s on my mind at the moment.” She took Laura’s other nipple into her mouth and sucked. She laved the stiff peak with her tongue. Laura’s body shuddered underneath her touch. Her left hand trailed down the girl’s stomach and pushed under the hem of Laura’s pants. Then she pulled away from Laura’s chest and looked up at the girl. “Is this okay?” she asked hesitantly.

Laura nodded. “Please Carm,” she begged. The feeling of Carmilla’s fingers resting against her mound was driving her wild with desire. With need. She’d never needed anything.

Carmilla tucked her fingers into the band of Laura’s underwear. “What about this?” The soft hair that tickled her fingertips was making it hard to think. But she had to make sure Laura was ready for this. She had to make sure the girl wouldn’t regret anything.

Laura nodded again. “Carmilla just – god – just touch me.”

Carmilla’s fingers slid down into the wet heat of Laura’s sex. Her eyes fluttered shut. “Fuck, Laura,” she whispered. Laura’s hips pushed against her touch. She sought out the girl’s clit and stroked it gently. Laura’s entire body shuddered against her. She crashed their lips together again, immediately deepening the kiss. Her fingers pressed harder against the girl, circling Laura’s clit with purpose.

Laura moaned loudly. “Fuck, Carm. Inside. I want you inside.” She rolled her hips against her roommate’s hand.

Carmilla’s fingers slipped down and circled Laura’s entrance. “Are you sure? This might – I mean it might hurt the first time.” She rubbed a little more intensely, dipping a single finger just barely into Laura’s core.

Laura moaned again. “I don’t care. Let it hurt. I want – I want it to be you. I want it to be you, Carm.”

Carmilla pushed a single finger inside of Laura. The wet heat that surrounded her was fogging her thought process. “Are you okay?” she whispered, keeping her finger still – unmoving.

Laura nodded. “God, I’m s-so okay. That doesn’t hurt. That feels – god that feels – I can’t even describe it.” Carmilla was inside of her. They were as close as two people could be with each other – physically at least. “More,” she whispered. “I want more, please Carm.”

Carmilla pushed another finger inside of Laura. She felt the girl wince and halted her motions. She glanced up at Laura’s face. The girl’s eyes were shut tightly. Laura’s jaw was clenched. “Did I hurt you?”

Laura shook her head. “N-no I’m fine.” She felt her body start to accommodate Carmilla’s fingers. “K-keep going.”

Carmilla began a slow rhythm. In and out. Push and pull. Her thumb brushed against Laura’s clit. She pressed down and curled her fingers inside of Laura.

Laura’s hips shot forward. “Oh god. Oh god do that again,” she begged. Carmilla’s fingers curled inside of her again and it was like her world was imploding. Darkness was closing in around her and she realized she was holding her breath. She took a shaky breath as the first wave of pleasure rolled through her body. Release. Sweet release. Blissful. Mind-numbing euphoria. Visions of her and Carmilla danced before her eyes. Dating. Loving. Graduating. A future. A loud bang from the hallways ripped her from her fantasies.

* * *

When she opened her eyes again, it was to the harsh fluorescent lights of a dorm room, and the barrel of an assault rifle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://hollsteinFF.tumblr.com
> 
> @H0llst3inFF
> 
> Song: Alanis Morissette - Perfect


	8. Hello

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura and Carmilla's life comes in flashes of time. Laura is starting to grow more and more confused about what's real and what's not. Things seem to be going perfect for them as Laura copes with her PTSD, but everything comes crashing down in a single night. Will they ever be able to get on the same page?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this chapter can be a little confusing with the time jumps. Laura keeps flashing back and forth in time. Every time something causes her to blur the lines of what's real and what's not. It will all make sense soon enough, though you may have to go back and read this chapter once it does.

“So who’s it gonna be huh?” Will growled. “The rock star?” He pointed the gun at Carmilla. “Or the spaz?” The barrel came back to Laura.

“Take me,” Carmilla said in a shaky voice. “Take me Will. Just let Laura go.”

“Altruism doesn’t really suit you, Kitty,” the boy growled, but the barrel of the gun shifted back in Carmilla’s direction. “But, I guess anyone can surprise you.” He pointed the gun directly at Carmilla’s face, but paused, the gun shifting back to Laura. “And what do you have to say huh? The grenade is at your girlfriend’s feet. You’re not gonna try to jump on it and save her?” 

Laura’s breathing was coming in heaves. Girlfriend? Save her? Was Will waiting for her to tell him to shoot her instead? Could she even make those words form in her mouth? She didn’t want Carmilla to die. But she didn’t want to die either. Why was he even making this a choice? “I…” she started, but she couldn’t finish. Everything she’d worked for in life. Everything she had in front of her. Silas. Julliard. A normal life. Was she supposed to just throw it all away? She could still feel Carmilla’s pinky draped over her own. Slowly, she pulled her hand away and closed her eyes. She heard a shuffling, but didn’t dare open them. Then she heard the loud bang of a shot being fired.

* * *

The loud pop that echoed through the dorm room jolted Laura from the darkness that had been closing in. She looked around and saw Carmilla’s concerned eyes. She’d flashed again. Her girlfriend stood across the room holding a bottle of champagne that was now dripping onto the floor.

“Laura? Are you okay?” Carmilla asked gently.

Laura nodded. “Yeah, sorry. I just – I – I was somewhere else for a second.”

Carmilla set the bottle of champagne down on the dresser and wrapped her arms around Laura. “I’m sorry baby. I should have thought – I didn’t think.” She shook her head. The popping of the cork had caused her girlfriend to flash again. “Hey,” she soothed. “It’s okay. You’re okay. I’m right here. You’re in our dorm room baby. And we’re celebrating. Remember?”

Laura nodded. She smiled into Carmilla’s neck. “I remember.” She looked up at the girl. “Your band got signed.”

Carmilla chuckled. “It sure did creampuff.” She beamed at Laura. “I never could have done this without you.” She poured the champagne into two glasses and held one out for Laura. Once they’d drained their glasses, she pushed the brunette back onto the bed, champagne bottle still in hand. “Please allow me to thank you for everything you’ve done for me the past couple of years,” she purred. She set the bottle of champagne down on the headboard and pulled Laura into a seated position. She tugged the girl’s shirt over her head and began kissing down Laura’s neck.

Carmilla’s lips were always wet heat. Her girlfriend had a habit of using her teeth and it drove Laura wild. When Carmilla nipped at her pulse point, Laura moaned loudly.

Carmilla trailed her fingers up Laura’s arms as she made her slow descent down the girl’s neck, stopping to nip here and there. She’d learned that Laura _really_ enjoyed her teeth scraping along the girl’s skin. She pulled the strap of her roommate’s bra down and kissed across Laura’s collarbone and shoulder. Then she leaned back. “Take it off, baby,” she whispered.

Laura felt heat pool in her stomach at her girlfriend’s words. She reached behind her back and unclasped her bra, shedding it quickly. Her eyes locked with Carmilla’s.

Carmilla chuckled. “Well someone’s eager,” she purred. “Who would have thought that shy, sweet girl I met a couple of years ago would some day be practically ripping her clothes off and begging me to fuck her?”

Laura glared at her girlfriend. “There has been no begging,” she huffed. But she popped open the button of her jeans all the same. Once she was rid of them she leaned back against her elbows.

“Yet,” Carmilla whispered. Her eyes dragged down her girlfriend’s body. Laura was a _goddess_. The girl’s body was perfection. It was tanned and toned. The skin was like silk to the touch. She leaned forward and kissed the mole underneath Laura’s belly button. Laura giggled. She pulled away. “I have every intention of making you beg for it before the night is over.” She winked at the brunette.

Laura’s brows furrowed. “Is that – um – is that like one of those par – parafilas or something?”

Carmilla frowned. “Paraphilia? Where did you even hear that word?”

Laura bit her lip. “I may have researched sexual addiction on the internet. Just – just so I knew how to help you cope with it. I read about paraphilia. Is that – is that something you – um – do you deal with that?”

Carmilla pulled away and sat up. “I…” she shook her head. “That’s not something you need to worry about Laura. I would never ask you to do something like that.” She’d be lying if she said the thoughts never crossed her mind. Having Laura play out some of her dirtier fantasies. Having Laura submit to her. Having Laura take control of her. Maybe a little roleplaying. But she didn’t _need_ it. And honestly, some of the things that she thought about, she’d never actually try – at least she didn’t think she’d try. Though one thing _really_ got her hot. She’d never told Laura about it though. The girl probably wouldn’t take too kindly to the idea. Now that Laura had gotten her disorder mostly in check, the thought of going _back_ to that – even just in a fantasy – most likely wouldn’t sit well.

But man, Carmilla really wanted to touch Laura while the girl was sleeping. She wanted full control over Laura’s body. She wanted to be able to make Laura’s body react to her, when the girl’s mind wasn’t involved. She didn’t know why that particular thought turned her on so much, and it wouldn’t turn her on at all without Laura’s full consent beforehand, but she was too scared to even ask. She wanted to make Laura come in her sleep, but it would never happen, because she didn’t have the balls to even suggest it.

Laura tilted her head. “Carm, I know that. But what makes you think I wouldn’t want to? I mean, I know I don’t have a lot of experience in the sex world, but – I mean – the last two years have been pretty eye opening. I don’t think I’d be opposed to trying something new. I mean, as long as it’s with you.” Okay, so she had to tread lightly here. She wanted Carmilla to be open and honest with her, but she didn’t want to get the girl’s hopes up _too_ much. Some of the things she’d read about paraphilia were – well it was kind of disturbing. She knew she wouldn’t be open to trying ninety percent of what had been on that list. But there were a _few_ she might be okay with.

Carmilla shook her head. “You’re perfect. And you give me everything I need.” Laura smiled. “But…” she continued. “I just realized there was _one_ thing that we kind of left unfinished.”

Laura smiled. “Oh yeah? And what was that?”

Carmilla grinned. “You never finished showing me how you touch yourself,” she purred.

Laura’s eyebrows shot up. “Well I haven’t _had_ to touch myself in so long I may have even forgotten how I did it,” she joked.

Carmilla snorted. “Come on cutie. Show me.” She took Laura’s hands and brought them to the girl’s chest, resting them against Laura’s own breasts. “Give ‘em a good squeeze, cupcake.”

Laura massaged her breasts for her girlfriend. She pushed them together and lifted them, squeezing her nipples in between her knuckles. Carmilla leaned forward and licked at the nipple peaking out from between her fingers. Her body shuddered. Not just from the feeling on her sensitive bud, but also from the feeling of Carmilla’s tongue weaving between her fingers. How was _that_ even remotely a sensitive area?

Carmilla pulled back and put her hands over Laura’s. She pushed the girl’s breasts together and up, forming a massive amount of cleavage that Laura would never be able to achieve on her own. Then she pulled back. “Hold them there baby,” she purred. She grabbed the bottle of champagne.

Laura watched as Carmilla started to tilt the bottle over her. “Carm, you’re gonna get the bed all weeeeet!” She gasped as the cold liquid poured over her chest. Her nipples hardened to tiny stones.

Carmilla grinned. She leaned forward and sucked up the all liquid that had pooled in Laura’s cleavage before moving to lick up the rest.

The feeling of Carmilla’s tongue dragging along her skin was amazing. Anywhere her girlfriend’s tongue touched, warmed the cold skin instantly. “God Carm. Fuck that feels amazing.” She arched her back, pushing her breast further into her girlfriend’s questing mouth.

Carmilla’s hands trailed down Laura’s sides, gripping the girl’s panties and slipping them down Laura’s legs. She pulled away from Laura’s chest and looked down at her girlfriend. “Alright baby, show me what turns you on. Show me what makes you hot,” she purred.

Laura slipped her hand in between her legs. She used all four fingers to gently stroke at her pussy. She was so wet. Her middle finger rested directly against her clit, while the other fingers trailed along the slick lips of her sex. Her eyes never left Carmilla’s face.

Carmilla stared at her girlfriend’s fingers. Watching Laura touch herself was probably the biggest turn on ever. She pushed Laura’s knees wider apart, opening the girl’s pussy.

Laura gasped. Her fingers moved more insistently against herself. She circled her clit a few times before she continued with the gentle stroking, slowly applying more pressure.

Carmilla watched for a few minutes before picking up the bottle of champagne again. “Keep playing with yourself, baby,” she whispered. She poured some of the champagne over Laura’s hand and dipped her head down to lap at the girl’s sex around the stroking fingers. Pushing her tongue in between Laura’s fingers, she laved at the girl’s sex. She blindly set the bottle back on the headboard, perched precariously on the edge.

Laura’s hips pushed against her girlfriend’s face. “Fuck Carm,” she whined. “God that feels – god that’s good. That’s so good.”

Carmilla grabbed Laura’s legs and pulled the girl down the bed. She pushed Laura’s hand aside and began to eat out her girlfriend in earnest. She sucked Laura’s clit into her mouth, flicking it with her tongue a few times before scraping over it with her teeth. 

Laura’s back arched and her hands flew above her head to push at the headboard. The bottle of champagne fell to the floor crashing into a hundred pieces.

* * *

The loud crash made Laura’s eyes fly open. She looked around. What the fuck was going on? She was back in the dorm room. Carmilla was still by her side. Her roommate was still alive. She noticed the broken dishes on the counter and the shattered porcelain of the kitchen sink. She realized that that’s what Will had shot at. Water poured out of the jagged holes in the piping and drenched the carpet, flooding the small space with water. It felt cold against her skin.

“Are you just going to lie there and let her _die_ for you? Huh?” Will shouted at Laura. “You’re just going to lie there with your mouth hanging open and let her take all the blame for this? You were at the party too.”

Laura shook her head. “I didn’t – I wasn’t – I didn’t drink anything.”

Will laughed hollowly. “I didn’t drink anything,” he mimicked her. “Of course you didn’t. Because you’re a _freak_. God, I’ve never seen anyone act so completely mental. You didn’t talk to anyone except that prep school boy – you brought to masquerade as your boyfriend – and sugarpuss here,” he said motioning to Carmilla. “Every other second I was getting whiplash from the way you went hot and cold in the blink of a fucking eye.” He laughed. “Like, are you _retarded_ or something?” 

Laura blanched at the word. She hadn’t been called that in ages. Not since grade school. Not since her father decided that her disorder meant that she needed to be in special classes. It hadn’t lasted long. Her teachers quickly found out that there was nothing wrong with the way her brain retained and processed information. She’d been removed from those classes after a year. But the _word_ still felt like a knife being pushed into her chest. It was a foul word and no one should ever use it. “I’m not – mentally disabled,” she whispered. “I just – I have trouble with social situations.”

Will laughed. “Well then maybe I should put you out of your misery then huh?” He pointed the gun at Laura.

Laura started to sob. “No don’t kill me,” she pleaded. She didn’t want to die. She had so much to live for. She didn’t want to die still not in control of her own thoughts, her own body. She wanted to beat this disorder. If she died now, she’d die a _failure_ …

Will sneered. “Well then who should I kill?” he growled, pointing the gun back at Carmilla. 

The cold water surrounding her was making her thoughts clear. “Please don’t,” Laura whispered, even as his finger tightened on the trigger.

* * *

There was a loud bang, followed by the sound of cheering. Laura’s body was submerged in cold water. She opened her eyes and panicked. She pushed forward toward the surface. When she emerged, there were people everywhere. Another loud bang. She flinched, but looked up to catch the last of the firework fading in the sky. Warm arms slipped around her waist.

“Happy New Year baby,” Carmilla purred into Laura’s ear. Another crash in the sky had Laura’s body tensing again. She looked up. Why did she keep forgetting these things? Laura didn’t deal well with loud noises. “Hey,” she shouted over the music. “Cut those fucking fireworks out!”

Another loud bang and Laura was sinking even further into the water.

“I swear to fucking god if another one of those goes off then I’m pulling the plug on this whole party!” Carmilla yelled. Another bang. She let go of Laura and pulled herself from the pool. She went up to the stereo and pulled the cord from the wall. The music died instantly. Everyone looked around. “Everyone out,” she yelled. “Go home. Party’s over!”

The people looked more confused than anything, but they began to file out one by one. Carmilla found Laura sitting on the edge of the pool. “Hey,” she whispered.

“Hey,” Laura said timidly. “I didn’t mean to ruin the party.” She felt tears stinging her eyes. She always ruined everything. Why did Carmilla even put up with her anymore? Her girlfriend was a rock star. Carmilla’s first album had gone viral. She looked around at the huge house nestled on the beach in Los Angeles. Where had the time gone? Why had it been so easy for Carmilla to get over what had happened to them? Why was she the one still caught up in the past? Why didn’t her girlfriend flinch and panic every time there was a loud bang? She felt weak. She should be stronger for Carmilla. Pretty soon, the girl was going to realize she was broken. Then she wouldn’t be good enough for Carmilla anymore.

Carmilla sank to the concrete behind Laura and pulled the girl back into her chest. “You didn’t ruin anything cupcake. It was about time all of those lackwits went home anyway. I was starting to really want some alone time with you.” She wrapped her arms around Laura’s waist. “And as much as I _love_ how much of your beautiful body this bikini shows off,” she said purring against Laura’s ear. “I think I’d like to see it laying on the concrete even more.” Her fingers tugged at the knot holding Laura’s bathing suit in place. The top fell off and landed in the pool with a splash. Her lips found Laura’s pulse point, and her hands cupped her girlfriend’s breasts.

Laura shuddered under Carmilla’s touch. “I’m beginning to think you’d rather me not wear any clothes at all,” she joked.

Carmilla grinned against Laura’s neck. “While that _does_ sound amazing. I think I’d get a little jealous if _everyone_ got to see you like this,” she whispered, fingers rolling Laura’s nipples. “These tits are _mine_ ,” she growled. “No one else needs to know what they look like.” She squeezed. “Or feel like.” She trailed her hands down Laura’s stomach and grabbed the waistband of the bathing suit.

Laura lifted her hips and Carmilla slid the offending garment down her legs. Dropping it into the pool. She instinctively spread her legs for the girl. She felt Carmilla smile against her skin.

Carmilla slipped her hand in between Laura’s legs. Her girlfriend was so wet. And not just from the pool. “This little kitty is _mine,_ ” she growled. “No one else needs to know just how _wet_ it gets when I pet it.” She stroked her fingers against Laura’s clit. “No one else needs to know how hot it feels or how good it tastes,” she purred.

Laura shivered against Carmilla. “Baby,” she breathed. “You’re teasing me.”

“You’re right,” Carmilla said and stood abruptly. She tugged off her bathing suit and dove into the pool. When she surfaced, Laura was staring at her, mouth agape. “Well,” she said. “You coming or not?”

Laura narrowed her eyes. “I _would_ be coming, but someone fucking left me hanging.” She laughed, then slid back into the water. Carmilla must have turned the heater on, because the water was now warming up. She was pressed against the pool suddenly.

Carmilla planted a quick kiss to Laura’s lips before submerging herself in the water. She pushed her girlfriend’s legs apart and began tonguing at Laura’s pussy. 

Laura wrapped her legs around Carmilla’s shoulders and pushed her hips forward. Fingers slipped inside of her and she thought that life couldn’t get any better.

* * *

That night, Laura woke up alone. Her brows furrowed and she got out of bed to find Carmilla. She saw the light on in the bathroom and pushed the door open. Carmilla was standing in front of the medicine cabinet with pill bottles in her hands. The bath was still running, but neither of them paid much attention to it.

Carmilla turned to face Laura. She felt so betrayed. “I thought you were done with these?” she whispered harshly. “I thought that we worked through this – together.” She shook her head. “You’ve been _lying_ to me this whole time. Laura? Tell me you haven’t been lying to me?”

Laura bit her lip. She _had_ been lying. She’d told Carmilla that she’d stopped taking the pills. She’d told the girl that she had finally gotten past her anxiety. That she finally felt good enough for Carmilla. She just wanted her girlfriend to stop walking on eggshells around her. She’d hidden the pills behind bigger bottles of vitamins that no one ever used. She shook her head. “I’m sorry Carm. I just – I didn’t want you to think that you had to baby me.”

Carmilla frowned. “God Laura. All of the things we’ve done! All of the things you’ve let me _do_ to your _body!_ I’m a fucking _sex addict_ Laura! And you – you just _let_ me do whatever I wanted! I thought that you were _there_ in those moments with me. I didn’t think you were fucking medicated to the point of apathy! I didn’t think that I was basically _raping_ my fucking girlfriend’s shell of a body!!” she shouted.

Laura felt tears forming in her eyes. “I’m sorry Carm! I _was_ there. I was there with you. I promise. I wanted those things with you. It wasn’t just me letting you. I promise. Please believe me.” She was sobbing at this point, but she didn’t care. She needed her girlfriend to know that she’d been there in every moment.

Carmilla shook her head. “I need to think. I’m going out. Don’t wait up." 

Laura watched Carmilla pull on her clothes and leave their bedroom and the home they’d shared with each other for four years now. The home where they had made so many memories. Memories that Laura had now tainted with her lies. She slid down the door and sat leaning back against it. This was it. This was the point where Carmilla realized that she wasn’t good enough. She slammed her head back against the door. “Stupid.” Bang. “Stupid.” Bang. “Stupid.” Bang, the door gave way and she fell against the bathroom floor hitting her head on the hard tiles. She felt the water pool around her from where the bath had overflowed. Then the blackness closed in.

* * *

The cold water soaked her clothes. She opened her eyes to see the shattered sink and the broken dishes. She looked around. Carmilla was still alive. The window was shattered and there were several bullet holes in the television. Will was just toying with them. The gun was pointed at her again.

“Who. Should. I. Kill. Then?” the boy growled. Laura blinked. She went to stand but slipped in the water, her head cracked against the floor.

* * *

Carmilla hadn’t come back that night.

Laura closed her eyes. Carmilla hadn’t come back for six years.

She sat at the piano. The buzz of people around her made her anxious, but she’d dealt with that her entire life. She swallowed hard. She wasn’t a journalist. She wasn’t a concert pianist. She hadn’t been good enough to get into Julliard. But she’d been good enough to get noticed. Good enough to get a record deal. Good enough to be here tonight, with thousands of people in the audience waiting to hear her bleed her heart out onto the ivory keys at her fingers.

She’d been broken. She’d shut herself off from the world even more than she had before. Since Carmilla had left her, she hadn’t spoken to anyone, except through song. That’s how she’d gotten her agent.

She’d been playing an open mic night at some dingy bar, when a blast from the past had waltzed right up to her. Theo had majored in music production and he’d made a name for himself. She hadn’t seen him since Silas, but she’d heard about him. He didn’t make her talk, and they’d fallen into a new routine. He’d book her shows and she’d play. She never accepted interviews, even after her first album had gone viral. She just needed to play. She needed Carmilla to hear how sorry she was. Carmilla hadn’t answered any of her calls or texts. The girl had just disappeared. Carmilla had probably never even listened to any of her songs, but she had to try. Tonight was the night. She was playing in Los Angeles. She knew Carmilla still lived there. She was going to release a brand new song. One no one had ever heard.

She’d seen Carmilla on the news as well. Her ex lover was a rock sensation. One of the biggest names in the industry. And she was married – to Ell. Their troubled relationship had been the topic of every tabloid for the last few years. From the taboo of the whole step-sister thing, to Carmilla’s sex addiction and infidelity. It didn’t matter really. Nothing mattered. Laura had pretty much lost every sense of decency and morality she’d ever had. She just needed Carmilla back in her life.

This was it. Her last song of the night. Her last chance. If this didn’t catch Carmilla’s attention, then nothing would. She began to play and the crowd went silent immediately. They knew it was something they hadn’t heard before. You could hear a pin drop when she began to sing.

 _Hello, it’s me._  
_I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet._  
_To go over everything._  
_They say that time’s supposed to heal ya._  
_But I ain’t done much healing._

It wasn’t a lie. If anything, Laura had retreated into herself further. Healing wasn’t something she even thought herself capable of anymore. Her eyes scanned the crowd, the way they always did when she played somewhere near LA. She knew it was wishful thinking, but it never stopped her.

 _Hello, can you hear me?_  
_I’m in California dreaming about who we used to be._  
_When we were younger and free._  
_I’ve forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet._

 _There’s such a difference between us._  
_And a million miles._

Her eyes landed on a familiar shape. The girl stood off to the side of the stage. Ripped black jeans, combat boots and a black tank top. The girl had a hoodie with the sleeves cut out of it, unzipped and hanging off of one shoulder. The hood was up, but Laura _knew_. Her heart rate picked up drastically. She steeled her nerves and just let the emotions control her voice.

 _Hello from the other side._  
_I must’ve called a thousand times._  
_To tell you I’m sorry._  
_For everything that I’ve done._  
_But when I call you never._  
_Seem to be home._

 _Hello from the outside._  
_At least I can say that I’ve tried._  
_To tell you I’m sorry._  
_For breaking your heart._  
_But it don’t matter, it clearly._  
_Doesn’t tear you apart anymore._

Her eyes never left the girl for fear that she was seeing things. She sang her heart out. Bleeding it into the lyrics and onto the piano keys. Carmilla stood there, stark still. Unmoving. Laura could only see the sharp cut of the girl’s jaw. It was enough to be certain.

 _Hello, how are you?_  
_It’s so typical of me to talk about myself. I’m sorry._  
_I hope that you’re well._  
_Did you ever make it out of that town?_  
_Where nothing ever happened._

_It’s no secret._  
_That the both of us._  
_Are running out of time._

Their eyes finally met. She watched Carmilla pull the hood off. The girl just stared at Laura and she didn’t know if she had enough breath to even finish the song.

 _Hello from the other side._  
_I must’ve called a thousand times._  
_To tell you I’m sorry._  
_For everything that I’ve done._  
_But when I call you never._  
_Seem to be home._

 _Hello from the outside._  
_At least I can say that I’ve tried._  
_To tell you I’m sorry._  
_For breaking your heart._  
_But it don’t matter, it clearly._  
_Doesn’t tear you apart anymore._

She finished the song, her eyes never leaving Carmilla’s. The crowd was cheering and chanting _encore_ , but Laura didn’t even hear them. She stood from the piano bench and took a step toward Carmilla.

Carmilla pulled the hood up and started to slowly walk away.

Laura shook her head. Not after all of those years. She was _not_ going to let Carmilla just walk away again. “Carm!” she shouted, but she was sure her voice was drowned out by the roar of the crowd. “Carm wait!” She pushed off the stage and through the throng of people. Everyone was surrounding her. This is what she’d always avoided. This is why she never had autograph signings or went to the parties. _This_ was going to make her have a panic attack.

People were grabbing at her from all angles. Touching her body anywhere they could put their hands. They were shouting at her. Screaming in her face. Cameras were flashing. Blinding her. She could feel her vision starting to tunnel. She was going to pass out in this huge crowd of people and it was going to be all over the internet tomorrow.

Then strong arms wrapped around her waist. “Back the fuck off,” Carmilla growled at the crowd. Laura felt herself being lifted into Carmilla’s arms. She was backstage before she could even blink. Carmilla had set her down on the sofa and was kneeling in front of her.

“Hey,” Carmilla said shyly.

“Hey,” Laura whispered. “You came.”

Carmilla nodded. “I’ve seen every one of your shows, Laura,” the girl admitted.

Laura shook her head. “But then why? Why haven’t you talked to me?”

Carmilla shrugged. “I guess I didn’t really have anything to say…”

It was like a knife being thrust inside of her. “Oh,” she whispered.

Carmilla nodded. “Look, cupcake. I’m flattered. Really I am. But it’s been six years. I think you may need to talk to someone about this. Professionally.”

The knife twisted. Carmilla had _never_ made Laura feel as if she had a disorder. She’d never made Laura feel like she couldn’t deal with things herself. Laura’s eyes turned toward the floor.

Carmilla stood and walked toward the door. “Just, your songs are driving Ell pretty crazy. And I’m the one who has to deal with the consequences. It’s not hard to figure out who you’re singing about cutie.” She shrugged, looking back as she opened the door. “Just stop singing about me.”

Laura watched the door close. She sat there in shock. It wasn’t how she expected their meeting to go. She’d played it out in her head a thousand times. Every time Carmilla had taken her back. And now?

She ran out of the door. She looked around spotting the girl. She sprinted toward Carmilla. “Carm wait,” she shouted. It was raining hard. It never rained in LA.

Then the blonde standing next to Carmilla turned, and there was Ell. She did _not_ look happy.

“Get the _fuck_ away from my wife, spaz!” Ell shouted. “Stop trying to make her feel bad. Stop trying to win her back. You fucked it up, remember? You fucked it up and I had to pick up the pieces.” She shoved Laura back, hard. 

Laura stumbled over the curb and fell back into the street. The last thing she saw was Carmilla’s face filled with terror. The last thing she heard was the screeching of tires against pavement and a deafening crack. The water soaked into her clothes. And then everything went black.

* * *

She woke up to the worst headache she’d ever had. Carmilla’s hands were on her face. The cold water was still pooling around her.

“Laura? Laura, come on cupcake. Come back to me.” Carmilla soothed.

Laura’s eyes fluttered open. She was confused as to why she was inside and not on the streets of LA. And why was she wet?

“This is all very touching,” Will snarled. “But it’s not solving anything. Who dies? Last chance before I just randomly choose." He pointed the gun at Carmilla. "The rock star?" The gun shifted back to Laura. "Or the spaz?”

Laura sat up. She’d watched her entire life flash before her eyes. But not her past. Her future. She’d watched as she’d destroyed everything good she’d ever had. She’d watched as her anxiety only got worse and worse with time. She’d watched as she’d _hurt_ Carmilla beyond repair. Beyond forgiveness. “Shoot me, Will. Shoot me.” She went to stand, but Carmilla’s hand gripped her wrist.

“Laura don’t,” Carmilla said weakly. She’d lost too much blood. The blackness was closing around her vision. They didn’t _both_ have to die.

Laura looked back at Carmilla. Her roommate looked pale, as if she were going into shock. Laura didn’t blame Carmilla; she didn’t really know how she _wasn’t_ in shock. If Will shot her, then it was over, Carmilla could go on and do wonderful things with music. If Will shot Carmilla, then Laura didn’t really want to be alive to see that. Either way, Will had to shoot her, not Carmilla. The girl’s grip slackened and her hand fell to the floor. Carmilla had passed out. Laura couldn’t picture a life without Carmilla. Not after seeing the future that they _could_ have had if she hadn’t screwed everything up. She gave her roommate one last glance before turning to face the gunman. “Just shoot me,” she whispered. 

Carmilla opened her eyes just in time to watch Laura’s lifeless body fall to the floor. Then she quickly passed out again.

* * *

The sound of a loud bang shook Carmilla from her state of unconsciousness. She was still lying on the floor. “Carm?” Laura whispered. She opened her eyes. Everything was fuzzy. She was slipping in and out of consciousness, not even really sure what she was saying. “You were dead,” she whispered.

Laura looked at her uncertainly. “I’m not dead, Carm. Promise. We’re both alive. He – he's. It worked. Whatever you did worked.” She looked down and really saw the blood for the first time – it was oozing from Carmilla’s fingers. Laura had thought the girl had just given herself a cut, but this was _not_ just a cut. She had to get her roommate help. There had to be ambulances outside. Carmilla just had to hold on a little longer…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://hollsteinFF.tumblr.com
> 
> @H0llst3inFF
> 
> Song: Adele - Hello


	9. Lose Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura and Carmilla finally realize everything that's happened. The school forces the survivors to see a therapist. Little do they know, this shrink is willing to help them out with more than just shock and PTSD.
> 
> How does Laura react to finding out her entire life may have been a lie? 
> 
> How does Carmilla react when Laura is finally ready to open herself completely, and Carmilla has just gotten back on her treatment...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, hopefully that little blast into time travel wasn't TOO confusing for everyone. We're back on track now. For a while ;)

Carmilla’s eyes fluttered open to harsh fluorescent lights. She looked around. She was in a hospital room. Laura was asleep in a chair next to her bed. Laura _hated_ hospitals. They made her anxious. Why was Laura at a hospital with her? Everything came flashing back to her. “Laura,” she croaked.

Laura shot forward in the chair. “Carm? Oh my god. You’re awake! How are you? Are you in pain? Let me call the nurse!” She jumped up and pushed the call button.

Once the nurse had checked Carmilla out, they were left alone again. Carmilla had gone through two separate surgeries. One to repair the damage the knife had caused, and another after she’d tossed and turned in her sleep enough to rip out all of the internal stitches. Carmilla had been having nightmares, so the doctors had sedated her. “You’ve been out for two days,” Laura explained. “They had to sedate you. The nightmares were making you rip out your stitches.”

Carmilla shook her head groggily. “What happened? I remember – I remember carrying you to the dorm room and…” Her eyebrows furrowed. “Oh – I stabbed myself…”

Laura stared at her with wide eyes. “Yes, you did.”

Carmilla gave the girl a small half smile. “How did we get out of there? I thought he was going to kill one of us.”

“Well,” she whispered, closing her eyes and thinking about the events of that morning two days ago. “We were lying on the floor and he came in. We pretended to be dead. You told me not to move. He kicked the door open and stared at us for a while. He told use to choose, and you asked him to shoot you, and I… it was like my entire life flashed before my eyes, but it was my future instead of my past. And I didn’t like how I used the time you’d given me. So I – I told him to shoot me instead. I closed my eyes and waited…then…”

* * *

_Flashback_

“Well,” Will said. “I guess that settles that. One of you was supposed to die, and she made that decision for you huh?” Then the shot rang out and Laura waited for the pain. It never came.

She continued to hold her breath. She heard the door to the lobby open and close. She continued to hold her breath. She heard the sirens and the police shouting. She continued to hold her breath. She heard everyone shouting and crying. She continued to hold her breath. It wasn’t until she felt Carmilla’s hand slip into her own, that she allowed herself to exhale, and open her eyes. She was met with the concerned gaze of her roommate. She looked around and saw Will’s body. The boy had shot himself. He’d let them live, but shot himself instead.

“Carm?” she whispered.

“You were dead,” Carmilla said hoarsely.

“I’m not dead. Promise. We’re both alive. He – he shot himself.” That made her think about the blood. She glanced down at the Carmilla’s other hand and gasped at the sight of the blood trickling out from between the girl’s fingers. “Oh my god. Carm! What happened?” She looked around. “And how did we get here?” She’d only just had the time to assess her surroundings. This was _not_ the lobby, or even their dorm.

Carmilla smiled a weak smile. The girl looked more than a little delirious. “I um – you passed out. I couldn’t just _leave_ you there.” Carmilla squinted. “Laura, turn the light off. It hurts.”

Laura’s eyes went wide. What light? “You carried me away from the shooter?” She shook her head. “You hid me?” She looked down at her shirt. “What light? There’s no light? Where did this blood come from? Did you cut yourself?”

Carmilla held up the kitchen knife still firmly gripped in her hand. “I think I stabbed myself.” She coughed. Then winced. The knife slipped from her fingers and just kept falling. She stared up at Laura with wide, glistening eyes.

Laura flew to her feet. “There are policemen outside. We need to get you to an ambulance.”

Carmilla went to stand, but Laura pushed her back down. Laura scooped her up and held her tightly. “How’d _you_ get to be so strong?” she asked, chuckling weakly at her attempt at mocking Laura. “Your halo is really pretty…”

Laura smiled. “Yoga,” she whispered. “And the closest thing I have to a halo is my hair standing straight up when I wake up in the morning.” Her roommate’s smile slowly faded as her eyes slipped closed. “Stay with me Carm,” she pleaded. She carried Carmilla out and into the lobby. She was immediately surrounded by police and EMTs.

“Where was she shot?” one of the EMTs asked Laura.

Laura shook her head. “She wasn’t shot. She – she stabbed herself so she could smear blood over us. So it would look like we’d been shot. But he didn’t buy it, and he was going to make us choose who he shot, but then Carm passed out and I guess Will thought she was dead, so – he shot himself.”

The paramedic took Carmilla from Laura’s arms and laid her on the stretcher. Laura watched as the man cut her roommate’s shirt from her to expose the wound.

“Well, it looks like she missed all the major organs, but she’s lost a lot of blood. She’s going to need to go to the ER.”

Laura nodded numbly. She followed the stretcher out to the ambulance.

The paramedics raised Carmilla into the back of the ambulance and turned to Laura. “Will you be riding?”

Laura didn’t even hesitate before climbing in. The time for panicking would come later; right now she only wanted to be by her roommate’s side. She watched as the men tried to stabilize Carmilla. She closed her eyes, pulled the rosary from her pocket, and prayed for the first time in what felt like ages.

One of the paramedics placed a hand on Laura’s shoulder. “You okay?” he asked.

Laura shook her head. “I don’t – I don’t even know what okay is.”

The man nodded. “Is this your friend?”

Laura looked up with wide eyes. She nodded.

“She probably saved both of your lives in there just now. I’d say she’s a good friend to have. She’s a very brave girl.”

Laura stared at Carmilla’s lifeless profile. “She’s perfect,” she whispered.

* * *

_End Flashback_

“Then he just shot himself. Like – like he’d just been toying with us. Or maybe he realized that shooting us wouldn’t solve anything. Or maybe he thought you were dead and that counted. I don’t know.” She shrugged. “You passed out from loss of blood. And I took you to the ambulance. And here we are.” Laura finished, not really wanting to go into the details. She realized now that most of what Carmilla had said that hadn’t made sense was because the girl had been in shock. Carmilla didn’t even remember anything after the gunman had come into the dorm room with them.

Carmilla sighed. “I – I dreamt that.” She shook her head. “I dreamt that it was _Will_. And he knew we were alive. And that he made us choose which one of us was going to die.” Tears formed in her eyes. “It was awful Laura. I told him to shoot me, but then you – you wouldn’t let him. And he shot you. I remember you falling to the floor and…” she sobbed. “And all I could think about was how it should have been me.” She frowned. “I’m a terrible person. It should have been me. You – you’re amazing and good and you have so much potential to do great things. Have a great future. You could change the world with your music. And I – I’m just a sex addict who’s never done anything except for fuck with people’s heads. For fun.”

Laura cut the girl off with a kiss. “That wasn’t a dream Carm. He did make us choose. And I couldn’t stand the thought of being in a world without you in it. So I told him to take me. But instead, he just shot himself.” She shook her head, staring at her roommate. “How can you say you’ve never done anything good? Carm, you _saved_ me that morning. We would have _both_ died if you hadn’t dragged me away and smeared blood all over us. Jesus Carm, you _stabbed_ yourself for me. You almost _died!_ ” She pulled away and shook her head. “You are brave and passionate and so very kind. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.”

Carmilla took a deep breath. Did Laura really think those things about her? “How do you think I would have felt if he’d shot you?” She shook her head. “God Laura, you’re the only person in an entire lifetime that has made me feel – anything.” She reached out for her roommate’s hand. “I care about you more than you will _ever_ know. And even more now than I did before this. If anything, this whole event has opened my eyes to the fact that life is too short to waste it on people who don’t matter.”

Laura smiled. “I matter?" 

Carmilla chuckled. “You’re the _only_ one who matters.”

* * *

School had shut down for the next six weeks. They had spent an obscene amount of money renovating and getting rid of all evidence that there had even been a shooting. It didn’t help. When Laura stepped back into the dormitory, she could still see the bodies littering the floor. She could still see the blood. She could still hear the shots being fired. They had had a memorial for the students who had lost their lives. Fortunately, only sixteen people had died, but dozens had been injured. Will hadn’t stopped to check whether or not his shots had been fatal, he’d just fired and moved on. The paramedics had been able to save a good number of the victims – survivors – as the news referred to them.

It was their first day back at school. They’d been staying in a hotel. Classes started today. It seemed odd to think that she hadn’t actually even attended one class yet. She had an appointment with the director of psychology today. Dr. Morgan. She didn’t want to see a shrink, but they were making everyone involved. Dr. Morgan had volunteered her time after her classes to meet with each survivor. The woman wasn’t even being paid overtime. That had to speak to the woman’s character at least.

She stood outside of the office and waited. She felt a hand slip into her own. She smiled. “Hey Carm,” she whispered nervously.

Carmilla grinned. “You’re not nervous about the therapist are you?”

Laura nodded. “I haven’t really had a good track record with psychologists. I ignored my last one and pretended I was just fine. I didn’t take my meds and – well, everything got messed up. But Doctor Lane was _nice_ , she just, I don’t know, I felt like she was just reading symptoms out of a book and matching them to what I was saying.”

Carmilla squeezed Laura’s hand. “My mom isn’t so bad, cutie. She’s good at her job.”

Laura blinked. “Your _mom?_ ” She shook her head. “Dr. Morgan is your mother?”

Carmilla nodded. “Hey, trust me, she’s good at this. She won’t make you feel like you’re sick. She doesn’t work that way. She understands that personality disorders _are_ an illness, but she’s never going to make you feel like it’s something you can’t get past. I promise.”

“Ms. Hollis?” Lilita called from the office door. She blinked. “Oh, hello darling. What are you doing here?” she asked her daughter.

Carmilla shrugged. “Laura’s my roommate.”

Lilita’s eyes glanced back at the girl sitting next to her daughter. This was the girl Carmilla had risked her life for. This was the girl her daughter had _stabbed_ herself for. This girl must be something special. “Are you ready Laura?”

Laura looked to Carmilla for reassurance. The girl squeezed her head. “Go on cupcake. I’ll wait for you if that’d make you feel better.”

Laura nodded. She got up and followed the woman into the office.

“Have a seat Laura,” Lilita gestured toward the chair.

Laura sat down and met the woman’s eyes.

“I read over your file. I had it sent from your previous doctor. I have to say, you seem very together for someone suffering from APD. Are you still taking the Ativan?”

Laura nodded.

“And the Seroquel?”

Laura nodded again.

“What about the Lithium?”

Again Laura nodded.

Lilita made a few notes in her notepad. That was a heavy cocktail for a seventeen year old. “And how are you feeling? In general.”

Laura blinked. How was she feeling? She didn’t even know. She hadn’t really stopped to think about it. “Um – I…” she shook her head. “I haven’t been sleeping that well. I have nightmares – about that day. And loud noises – I mean they’ve always sort of bothered me, but – now they make me anxious – almost panicky. And…” she remembered how Doctor Lane had explained her disorder. “I think my agoraphobia has gotten worse. Even small groups of people make me start to breath faster. Even sitting here – my heart is racing. I think my inability to handle confrontation has worsened as well. I didn’t want to come here, but I didn’t even argue. After arguing with Will – for our lives I…” She shook her head and took a deep breath.

Lilita listened to Laura list her symptoms. It was like she was reading them straight from the DSM-V. It was complete and utter bullshit. Someone had fed this girl complete and utter bullshit, and it made her blood run cold. “I’m going to stop you there Laura. Don’t talk to me about your symptoms. Talk to me about how you’re feeling.”

Laura blinked. “Scared. I feel scared.”

Lilita nodded. “That’s perfectly normal in a situation like this.” Laura had normal reactions to fearful situations, that was strike one. “What else Laura? What else are you feeling? I saw you will Carmilla, are you two friends?”

Laura’s lips quirked up slightly. She nodded. “I think so yeah. I mean – um – I _want_ us to be. I like Carmilla. A lot. She’s – she’s amazing.”

Lilita watched the dreamy look on Laura’s face. “That’s good to hear. My daughter doesn’t have many actual friends. Carmilla usually keeps people at a distance. You must be very special to have gotten beyond those walls.” Laura was able to form bonds of companionship. Strike two. “Are you two close?” She watched as the girl blushed. As she expected. Laura and her daughter had been intimate. _That_ was most definitely strike three.

“Um – I don’t know if I’d say _close_ , per se, but we’re roommates. And – she’s my only friend here. I don’t make friends easily, because of – my disorder.” Laura blushed. It was weird to talk about her illness with her friend’s mother. She knew all about doctor/patient confidentiality, but what if Dr. Morgan let something slip on accident?

Lilita frowned. “Laura, what if I were to tell you that I don’t think you have Avoidant Personality Disorder?”

Laura stared at the woman. “What do you think I have?”

It broke Lilita’s heart. Someone had this girl so brainwashed that Laura thought it was impossible that she could just be a normal girl – maybe a little shy – going through adolescence. “I won’t know until we’ve talked to each other few more times. If you’re willing that is.”

Was Dr. Morgan really telling her that she didn’t have APD? She’d been lied to her entire life? Forced to take medications she probably didn’t need? Medications that had left the better part of her childhood in a fog that she couldn’t even really remember. She frowned. Did she want to come back and talk to the therapist? Could this woman properly diagnose what her issues were? If she could, then would Laura _finally_ be able to live a normal life? She nodded. “I think I’d like that.”

Lilita smiled. “Okay Laura, we’re on your time now. What do you want to talk about?”

Laura bit her lip. She couldn’t talk to anyone else about this – so she might as well. “I think I’m gay,” she whispered.

Lilita nodded. Well that much had been obvious. But was Laura just figuring that out? That could _definitely_ lead to some APD-like symptoms. The anxiety that comes with always hiding yourself from people eventually turns into anxiety at being around people in general. As for not being able to say _no_ , that could very well be her mind telling her that if she does what people tell her to do, then no one will have to dig any deeper into _why_ she isn’t doing it. “So you think you’re gay,” she said softly. “And what has brought you to this conclusion?”

Laura blushed. Maybe she shouldn’t tell her therapist that the woman’s _daughter_ had brought her to that conclusion. She looked down at her lap. “Um…”

Lilita laughed softly. “Let me guess. A certain dark haired, broody girl sitting outside right now?”

Laura met the woman’s gaze and nodded. “She’s – she makes me feel things. I um – I’ve never felt like that before. I’ve never wanted to – um…” she shook her head. Okay she could _not_ talk about _that_ with Carmilla’s mother.

Lilita hid her smile. “You’ve never wanted to have sex before,” she stated calmly. So maybe this girl _hadn’t_ been intimate with her daughter. Not yet anyway. And Carmilla was still giving Laura attention. Her daughter must have actual feelings for Laura. Feelings that may distract Carmilla from her unhealthy obsession with her step-sister. Ell had been a sweet kid, but her step-daughter had turned into a grade-A bitch.

Laura’s eyes widened. She shook her head.

Lilita chuckled. “Laura you don’t have to be embarrassed. I know about Carmilla’s sexual habits. She’s old enough to make her own decisions, don’t you think?”

Laura’s brows furrowed. “Her own decisions? She’s just a kid. I mean, my dad would _kill_ me if he knew I was even _thinking_ about sex. He’d bring me back to life just to kill me again if he knew it was about a girl.”

Lilita frowned. “Your father doesn’t approve?”

Laura shook her head. “He doesn’t know. He can never know,” she whispered.

Lilita tilted her head. She was getting somewhere. “Are you scared of him Laura?”

Laura frowned. Was she scared of her father? Not really? Not of him per se. But she was terrified of disappointing him. She shook her head. “My dad doesn’t scare me. He’s never like hit me or anything if that’s what you’re getting at. He’s never really _around_ to hit me. I just – I don’t like disappointing him.”

Lilita nodded. Well at least it wasn’t an abuse issue. Physical anyway. Emotional abuse – she hadn’t ruled out. “Do you disappoint your father often?”

Laura’s eyes glistened with brimming tears. “Nothing I ever do is good enough,” she whispered. “If I make straight As, I could have taken more AP classes. If I nail a particularly hard piece on the piano, I should have picked a more challenging song. If I win first place, I should have smiled more. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I can always be better. I can always try harder.”

Lilita frowned. Emotional abuse. And probably neglect. “What about your mother?”

The tears spilled down Laura’s cheeks. “She left,” she whispered. “Like ten years ago. She just – I wasn’t good enough and she left.”

This girl’s story was heartbreaking. “Laura, your mother didn’t leave because you weren’t good enough. When adults aren’t getting what they need from their partners, they move on to find someone who will give them what they need. That is not on you Laura, that is your father’s failure.”

Laura wiped her eyes. “But she never even called. She could have taken me with her, and she didn’t. She didn’t want me. No one wants me. I’m never good enough.”

Lilita placed her hand on top of Laura’s. “Now I know for a fact that that isn’t true.”

Laura looked up. “How do you know that?”

Lilita smiled. She nodded toward the door. “Because my daughter has never shown this much interest in _anyone_.” She squeezed Laura’s hand. “Carmilla seems to think you’re _more_ than good enough, which makes you good enough in my book.”

Laura smiled softly. Carmilla thought she was good enough? She frowned slightly. “Can you – um – can you tell me about sexual addiction? I just – I researched it on the internet, but I feel like that doesn’t really tell me much of anything. And I – I don’t want to do anything that would – um – _trigger_ – her?”

Carmilla had _told_ Laura about her addiction? That was definitely telling. Carmilla cared about this girl. Deeply. “Well Laura, many things can trigger an addict to relapse. A traumatic event. Witnessing an obscene moment. A sex scene in a movie or story. Sometimes all it takes is a touch from someone, in the right place. Most of the time, if the person is aware of their addiction, these things won’t affect them. For someone aware of their addiction, relapse comes when they’re taken off guard. Someone they don’t expect to be sexual with them makes an advance. Or says something sexual around them. That can be a trigger. It really depends on the person.”

Laura nodded. “So don’t take her off guard?” Okay that was impossible. Laura had all but told Carmilla she didn’t want anything to do with sex. And now, it was like the only thing she could think about. “That’s – that’s going to be – difficult.”

Lilita tilted her head. “How so?”

Laura blushed. “I um – well I’ve always stopped her advances. I told her I was straight, because I thought I was. I told her that no one’s ever made me want to have sex before.” She shook her head. “I feel like if I even brought it up at this point it would catch her off guard.”

Lilita nodded. She was well-versed in her daughter’s sex life. So this wasn’t an awkward conversation for her, but she could tell Laura was getting uncomfortable. “Well then don’t bring it up. Let Carmilla bring it up. That way, she’ll already _know_ the conversation is going to be of the sexual variety. So you won’t catch her off guard.” She knew Carmilla was sticking to the treatment program she’d put her daughter on, so she didn’t really need to worry about the two being intimate any time soon.

Laura nodded. “That _could_ work. If she hasn’t given up on me already. I just – sex scares me. I’ve never wanted it. I don’t know how it even really works. And Carmilla – she’s – well I mean she’s – experienced. What if I’m no good?”

This had to be the oddest conversation she’d ever had with a patient. She was basically counseling this girl on how to have sex with her daughter. She had to take a step back and remember that since Carmilla had been around Laura, her daughter had seemed to settle down. It was a good sign. Laura was good for her. And maybe, Carmilla could help pull the girl out of her shell a bit. “Inexperience doesn’t mean you’re going to be bad at sex, Laura. Sex is mostly instinct driven. You turn your brain off for a while and let your body think for you. My daughter’s experience makes her a good leader, you just have to be willing to follow.”

Laura blushed at the word _daughter_. “This is weird. How are you talking about this so calmly?”

Lilita laughed. “I told you, I’m well aware of my daughter’s sexual appetite. Carmilla has been doing very well the last couple of months. I think a lot of that has to do with her friendship with you.”

Laura blinked. “Me?”

Lilita nodded. “I believe so yes. I didn’t know what was causing the change before – even though I could see the change happening – but now I think I’ve figured out the culprit. Carmilla likes you Laura. She wants more from you than just sex.”

Laura’s mouth fell open. Okay, Carmilla had _told_ her that much, but she wasn’t sure she’d believed the girl or not. She bit her lip.

“The important thing to remember is that because of Carmilla’s experience, and because of her addiction, she may not know how to go as slowly as you’d like.” She had to at least give the girl the warning, in case she was wrong about Laura’s diagnosis. Telling a person suffering from APD to engage is any type of sexual relationship with a sex addict could be disastrous.

Laura nodded. “I’d gathered,” she said dryly – immediately regretting it.

Lilita’s eyes widened. “Laura, she’s never _forced_ you to do something sexual, has she?” Her stomach churned. Carmilla hadn’t gotten that deep. They’d worked through this, Carmilla wasn’t even experiencing paraphilia yet. There was no way she’d gotten that far gone.

Laura shook her head quickly. “God. No. She – she’d never do that. I don’t think anyway.”

Lilita sighed in relief. “Well, it’s important to remember – if you decide to pursue a sexual relationship with her – that she may ask you to do certain things that you’re not comfortable with. And with you’re aversion to confrontation, it may seem like it would be easier to just give in, but for both of your sakes, you need to remember to tell her if you’re uncomfortable at any time.”

Laura nodded. “I understand,” she whispered. Carmilla liked her. Carmilla wanted more than just sex. Carmilla may ask her to do _things_ she wasn’t comfortable with. She’d researched sexual addiction in her hotel room while the school was being renovated. And while she’d heard the word before, in a psychology book she knew all about paraphilia now. It scared her, but she didn’t think Carmilla would ask her to do those things. “I think I need to go now, Dr. Morgan. Thank you for your time.”

Lilita nodded. “Come back anytime Laura. My office hours are posted on my card.” She handed Laura the business card. 

Laura nodded. “Thanks again.”

* * *

When they had gotten back to their dorm Laura sat down at her keyboard. “I want to play something for you,” she whispered. “I – I wrote it back at camp, before we really got to know each other, but I thought maybe you should hear it.”

Carmilla nodded. “You know I love listening to you play cupcake.” She sat down on the edge of her bed as Laura’s fingers began to dance across the keys. She couldn’t help but think about how Laura’s dexterous fingers would feel pressed against her throbbing clit. 

Laura played a few bars before she took a deep breath and started to sing.

 _You don’t remember my name._  
_I don’t really care._  
_Can we play the game your way?_  
_Can I really lose control?_

Carmilla’s eyes widened. Lose control? Laura wanted to lose control with her?

 _Just once in my life._  
_I think it’d be nice._  
_Just to lose control, just once._  
_With all the pretty flowers in the dust._

She’d wanted Carmilla so badly when she’d written this song. She’d felt ashamed then. Ashamed at wanting someone who always called her by some stupid pet name. Ashamed for wanting someone she knew would just toss her to the side afterward. But now…

 _Mary had a lamb._  
_His eyes as black as coals._  
_If we play very quiet, my lamb._  
_Mary never has to know._

Carmilla was shifting against the bed now. Laura was talking about _playing_ and it was making her so hot and bothered she couldn’t think straight.

 _Just once in my life._  
_I think it’d be nice._  
_Just to lose control, just once._

She wanted to lose control with Carmilla so badly, but she didn’t want to do something that would trigger the girl. And if she were being honest with herself, it still kind of scared her – knowing that Carmilla was so experienced. Knowing that Carmilla was a sex addict. Knowing that Carmilla may ask her to do things that would make her uncomfortable. She couldn’t even really imagine what those things might even be. Would Carmilla be into the things she’d read about on the website? Would her roommate want to dominate her – or be dominated by her? Would the girl be into those weird fetishes like licking her feet or wanting to pretend they were animals? Laura shuddered. That would _definitely_ make her uncomfortable.

 _If I cut you down to a thing I can use._  
_I fear there will be nothing good left of you._

Carmilla tilted her head and stared at the girl questioningly. Laura thought there was good left in her? She was the one who used girls for sex, not Laura. Why would Laura think that she was using Carmilla? If anything, Carmilla would be a more than willing participant in _that._

Laura faded the song out and turned to meet her roommate’s stare. She glanced down at the floor, seeking to hide from Carmilla’s intense eyes. “So, yeah, I may have wanted to – wanted – um – to do things with you. But I was so scared – and I felt really ashamed because you didn’t even know my name and I wanted those things with you.” She hesitantly met her roommate’s eyes.

Carmilla gave the girl a soft smile. “Laura, I _always_ knew your name.” She licked her lips. “Do you – I mean – do you still want to?”

Laura blinked. “Want to what?”

Carmilla chuckled. “Do you still want to do _things_ with me?”

Laura’s eyes widened. “Oh! I um – I…”

Carmilla frowned. “It’s okay Laura. I’m just messing with you to get you all flustered. I know where you stand on the whole sex thing. I won’t push you.”

Laura sighed. Why couldn’t she just say the words? Why couldn’t she just tell Carmilla that she wanted it still? That she wanted it now more than ever. She wanted to feel Carmilla’s bare skin against her own. She wanted to touch the girl. She wanted her roommate’s hands all over her body. God she wanted. But her mouth wouldn’t form the words. So she just nodded in defeated agreement.

Carmilla frowned slightly. She’d been hoping Laura would correct her. That Laura would tell her that she did still want those things. But her roommate just nodded in agreement – confirming the fact that the girl wasn’t interested in her advancements. Even if she had been at one point. Even if they had been getting somewhere before the shooting, Laura had retreated back into her shell. She sighed. “Well, I’ve got to get to my independent study.” She stood and grabbed her bag. She needed to get away from Laura before she said something stupid. “I’ll catch you later creampuff.”

Laura sat at the keyboard unmoving. Why hadn’t she just said something? “Stupid. Stupid. Stupid,” she whispered to herself. She thought long and hard after her roommate had left. She was going to let Carmilla know that she was interested still. That she wanted it as much as her roommate did.

* * *

Laura sat on her bed waiting for Carmilla to get out of her independent study. She didn’t really know if this was going to work or not, but it was all she could come up with. Her roommate should be back any minute now. She was sitting on her bed in nothing but a tank top and panties. The laptop was on the foot of her bed open to Netflix. The movie was one she’d never seen before, but she’d paused it at the sex scene and now she was just waiting. She clicked the play button when she heard a key slide into the lock.

Carmilla pushed the door open and almost dropped her bag. Laura was sitting on her bed – in her underwear – watching – porn? “Um, cupcake?”

Laura turned to face Carmilla. “Hey Carm. How was your class,” she asked as nonchalantly as she could with the moaning in the background.

Carmilla stared at her roommate. “Um – it was – fine.” She glanced at the screen. Okay, it wasn’t porn. She’d actually seen this movie before. It was good. “Mind if I join you? I like this one.”

Laura nodded and scooted over in her bed, making room for the other girl.

Carmilla shrugged out of her jacket and kicked off her shoes. She slid in the bed beside the girl until her side was pressed up against Laura’s. She could feel the heat of her roommate’s body.

Fifteen minutes into the movie, Laura felt a warm hand on her thigh. She smiled, letting her legs fall open a bit.

Carmilla’s eyebrows shot up. Laura had just spread her legs. Laura was in her underwear and had just spread her legs – for her. What did it mean? She glanced at the girl from the corner of her eye. Laura was watching the movie intently – a little too intently. She glanced down at her roommate’s lap. Laura’s tan legs. The dark green cotton panties. If she looked hard enough, she could see the outline of Laura’s pussy. She remembered what it looked like. She remembered the shape of Laura’s cunt – puffy with desire. Glistening with arousal. She remembered how the girl smelled. How Laura tasted – even faintly through the thin fabric of the girl’s panties. God she wanted to _touch_. “So um – what brought on the movie marathon?” she asked nervously.

Laura turned her head in Carmilla’s direction. She shrugged. “I um – I thought maybe if I watched something that made me think about _other_ things, then maybe I wouldn’t have nightmares tonight.”

Carmilla’s lips quirked up in a smirk. “Other things huh?” She squeezed Laura’s thigh. “Other things like what?”

Laura chuckled breathlessly. “Other things like – touching. Being touched. Things I _thought_ were scary before. They don’t seem so scary anymore. I don’t know. I just – I thought maybe there are things that warrant being afraid, and then things that don’t. Sex doesn’t really seem to be that high on my list of things to be terrified about anymore.”

“Is that so?” Carmilla purred. “So if _sex_ doesn’t scare you anymore…” She slid her hand higher on Laura’s thigh. “Does that mean that _this_ doesn’t scare you?”

Laura swallowed hard. She thought about the flashes of her life with Carmilla. The girl had been so gentle with her. So careful. She’d _wanted_ Carmilla. She’d wanted to experience that with her roommate. Her friend. She’d wanted to be Carmilla’s lover. The images may have been fear-induced hallucinations – yes – but that didn’t change the fact that they’d been reasonable. Carmilla had almost died. She could still see her roommate’s lifeless body. She could still smell Carmilla’s blood. She’d almost lost her chance to open up to the girl. To see if what they had was something truly special. Carmilla had almost died. _She’d_ almost died. She didn’t want to die without knowing the touch of someone else. Someone who cared. Someone who – maybe – possibly – loved her? “It doesn’t scare me,” she whispered.

Carmilla turned her body to face Laura. She slid her hand higher up Laura’s thigh. She could feel the heat radiating from Laura’s pussy. “Are you wet Laura?” she purred.

Laura closed her eyes and bit her lip. “Yes,” she whispered.

Carmilla slipped her fingers to the inside of Laura’s thigh. “How wet? How wet are you for me Laura?”

Laura bit her lip harder. “I don’t know,” she whispered. She shifted her hips. Her pussy was swollen and damp. That much she could feel.

“I want to know how wet you are Laura,” Carmilla purred. “Tell me how wet you are.”

Laura slipped her hand down the front of her panties. She was soaked. Her fingers were instantly covered in slick arousal. She gasped. “I’m so wet. God, Carm. I’m so wet for you.”

Carmilla moaned. Her grip tightened on Laura’s thigh. “Fuck,” she whispered. She grabbed Laura’s wrist and pulled the girl’s hand from her panties. “Can I?” she questioned. “Can I taste you?”

Laura searched Carmilla’s eyes. The girl was staring at her damp fingers. She nodded. “Okay,” she whispered. She was expecting Carmilla’s face to bury itself between her thighs again. She was _not_ expecting her fingers to be sucked into a hot mouth. “OH!” she gasped as her roommate ran a tongue over and between her fingers. It was one of the single most erotic things she’d ever experienced. Carmilla was actually sucking Laura’s slick fingers. Carmilla was tasting her for the first time. She watched the girl’s eyes fluttered shut, and felt – more than heard – the loud moan of approval.

Carmilla released Laura’s fingers with a wet pop. “Fuck cupcake. You taste so good.” She stared at Laura’s damp cloth covered pussy. “I want you so bad.”

There it was. The phrase that never failed to make Laura’s heart flutter. She was _wanted_. “You can, if you want,” she whispered.

Carmilla’s eyes snapped up to Laura. “I can?”

Laura nodded.

Carmilla smiled. “I think I just want to stare at you for a while now that I don’t have to worry about you catching me,” she joked. “Your body – it’s one of the most beautiful sights I’ve ever seen. And this…” She motioned to Laura’s body. “This is the most beautiful I think I’ve ever seen you.” She stared at Laura’s chest. “Your nipples hard and straining against your tank top.” She trailed her eyes down Laura’s body. “Your cunt filled with blood and so swollen I can almost trace the outline through your panties.” She trailed her fingers up and down Laura’s thigh. “Your legs spread open – for me.” She shook her head. “God Laura, do you know what you do to me?”

Laura shook her head. “I um – I turn you on?” she guessed.

Carmilla laughed. “That’s an understatement,” she whispered. “You make me want to do so many things to your body, Laura. I want to bury my face between your thighs for hours. God, I want to lick your pussy until you’ve had so many orgasms you can’t stand it anymore.”

Laura gasped. No one had ever talked to her so filthily before. She could feel the blood rushing to her face, but also, to other places. “I – um – I do that?”

Carmilla nodded. “That and more,” she whispered. “Let me show you Laura. Let me show you what you make me want to do to your body.”

Dr. Morgan’s words floated around in her mind. _She may ask you to do certain things you’re not comfortable with._ “Um – what kinds of things?” she asked hesitantly.

Carmilla grinned. Laura was liking the dirty talk it seemed. “Laura I want to put my tongue in places you’ve never even thought about before. I want my fingers buried inside of you filling you up from every angle. I want to make you scream.”

Places she’d never thought about? Every angle? What the hell was Carmilla even talking about? “Carm, just – I need to go slow. Can we do that?” At least if they went slow enough, she’d be able to stop Carmilla before the girl did something that freaked her out.

Carmilla nodded. “I can go as slow as you need Laura.” She trailed her fingers along the seam of Laura’s panties. She slipped just the tip of one finger inside the crotch and dragged her fingernail against Laura’s fleshy outer lip. Laura wasn’t lying – she was soaked. “Fuck, cupcake. You really are wet for me.” She pulled her hand away. “We can go slow Laura. I promise.” She looked up at the girl’s chest. “God your nipples are so hard,” she whispered. “Can I – can I suck on them? I want your tits in my mouth, Laura. I want to feel your nipples bend under my tongue and then spring back against my lips. I want to lick at you until you’re on the verge of coming just from me sucking on your tits.”

Laura’s eyes widened into saucers. She nodded wordlessly. _That_ thought didn’t make her uncomfortable one bit. Carmilla’s hands slipped under her tank top, but the girl made no effort to remove it.

Carmilla leaned forward and captured one of Laura’s nipples through the thin fabric of the shirt. She clamped her teeth gently around the stiff bud and gave a small tug.

Laura’s skin was on _fire._ Carmilla’s mouth burned against the flesh of her breast – even the thin tank top wasn’t enough to buffer the girl’s scalding tongue. Her nipple was caught between Carmilla’s teeth and the girl was flicking at it with a hot tongue. “Carm please,” she whined. Desperate to feel her roommate’s mouth against her bare flesh.

Carmilla had other ideas. She continued to toy with Laura’s nipples through the tank top, until each one was like a tiny stone against her tongue. Laura was writhing against her. Pleading. Begging. But she’d promised her mother. She’d promised she’d stay on track with her treatment. This was already skirting the lines of relapse. She pulled back and palmed Laura’s breasts. She squeezed and massaged. She rolled the hard buds between her fingers and she settled between Laura’s legs. She pushed the girl’s legs open wider with her shoulders. She moaned at the damp spot on the thin green cotton.

Laura spread her legs as wide as she could get them. She could feel Carmilla’s hot breath against her thighs. The girl’s hands were still massaging at her breasts. Tugging on her hard nipples. Driving her insane with desire.

Carmilla stared at the cloth that covered Laura’s hot pussy. She could feel the heat radiating against her face. She could smell Laura’s arousal. “Fuck Laura, I can see the outline of your cunt,” she whispered. “All I can think about is tracing it with my tongue. I want to kiss you. Please let me kiss you.”

Laura blinked with confusion. Carmilla’s face was inches from her sex and the girl wanted to pull away and make out with her now? “Um – okay,” she whispered. She closed her eyes to clear her head, when she felt Carmilla’s lips wrap around her pussy. The girl’s lips opened and massaged against the entire length of her wet slit. Then Carmilla’s tongue slid out and against her clit. Laura moaned loudly. Carmilla was _kissing_ her. Carmilla was kissing her cloth covered pussy. Her body was on the verge of exploding when a loud knock at the door startled both of them. “Ignore it,” Laura pleaded.

Carmilla made no move to stop her gentle kisses against Laura’s snatch. She wouldn’t have opened the door even if it was the fucking president right now. She pulled the crotch of Laura’s panties to the side and wrapped her lips around the girl’s cunt for the first time. Laura tasted heavenly. All girl musk and sweet scented soap. Another knock at the door had her groaning around Laura’s sweet, sweet snatch.

Carmilla’s mouth was like molten lava against her pussy. It felt as if her entire sex was melting under her roommate’s lips. She pushed her hips forward and threaded her fingers through Carmilla’s hair when the vibrations of the girl’s groan traveled through her pussy and all the way up her spine, slamming into her stunned brain.

“Carmilla, are you in there sweetheart?” Lilita’s voice filtered through the heavy door.

Both girls froze.

Laura’s eyes were as wide as saucers again. “Your _mom?_ ” she whispered, pushing Carmilla away from her dripping sex. Laura jumped out of the bed and pulled on her pajama pants. She looked down at her tank top and saw the two wet spots around her nipples from where Carmilla had sucked on her. She quickly pulled on a sweatshirt and ran her fingers through her hair.

Carmilla for her part, was rather calm. This wouldn’t be the first time her mother had walked in on her and another girl. But she was in the midst of relapsing at this very moment. She didn’t really want to disappoint her mom. She ran her fingers through her hair and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. She opened the door once Laura was settled on her bed with her laptop typing away at an assignment.

“Mom, hey. What brings you here?” Carmilla asked softly.

Lilita took in the sight of Carmilla’s flushed face and swollen lips. Just like she’d expected. She entered the room and was surprised to find Laura. She knew that the girls were roommates, but Lilita was almost positive that nothing sexual would happen between them this soon. Laura still seemed terrified of the thought of sex. She’d thought the girl’s hesitation would take a little more time to dissolve. She’d underestimated her daughter’s persuasiveness, it seemed. “Your heart rate was skyrocketing, sweetheart. I just wanted to make sure you were keeping up with your treatment.” Her eyes glanced down to the heart monitor around Carmilla’s wrist.

Carmilla flinched. She’d forgotten about the damn bracelet. “Um, I’m fine mom. Laura and I – just…” she sighed. She couldn’t lie to her mom. “I’m sorry mom. I didn’t mean to. I just – I want her so bad.”

Laura’s eyes widened. “I’m sitting _right_ here, Carm,” she said with a little annoyance. She hated when people talked about her like she wasn’t there. Her father did it all the time.

Carmilla’s eyes found Laura’s. She noticed the small frown on the girl’s lips. Laura’s chest was still slightly heaving though, and it was driving her wild. “Sorry cupcake,” she whispered. “I want you so bad.”

Laura’s eyes locked with Carmilla’s. Those words. Those words always worked. She’d forgotten all about her roommate’s mother until the woman cleared her throat. Laura’s eyes snapped over to the woman.

Lilita sighed. “I can see that there is a lot of tension here.” She noted Laura’s heaving chest and her daughter’s obvious sexual arousal. “And while I understand the urge to just let go, Carmilla, do you really want your first time with Laura to be under the haze of your addiction? What if you ask her to do something she doesn’t want? What if she says _yes_ because she thinks that you’ll lose interest in her if she doesn’t? Do you really want to put her in that position?” She turned to Laura. “Laura sweetheart, you don’t want your first time to be a blur of sexual confusion do you?”

Laura shook her head. She didn’t want that. But Carmilla had been going slow. The girl hadn’t asked her to do anything weird. She understood where the therapist was coming from, of course, but she couldn’t help but think that the woman had just interrupted them in the middle of something that was going to be magical. “I – um – no I don’t want that – but…” she shook her head. “Carm was going really slow with me. She was being sweet. And I…” she pressed her thighs together. “If I stop now I may never find the nerve again,” she whispered.

Carmilla watched as Laura pressed her thighs together. Even with her mom in the room, her roommate was still fighting against her arousal. It was a heady feeling, knowing she had that much control over Laura’s body. But it also made her realize that her mother was probably right. She shouldn’t want to control Laura’s body. She nodded. “You’re right mother. I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking.” She looked back over to her roommate. “I just – I want to make her feel so good. I want to make her feel wanted. I want to show her how much I want her. God I want you Laura.”

Laura bit her lip and nodded.

Lilita watched the exchange. The girls – even now – were fighting against the urge to just take each other right there. “Well, I came here not only about you, Carmilla. I also brought Laura something.” She held out the small bottle of pills. “I want you to stop taking the other medication Laura, and take one of these every morning. I think it may help.”

Laura took the small bottle and read the label. She couldn’t even pronounce it. “What is it?” she asked warily.

“It’s a brand new drug,” Lilita began. “It’s gotten very good reviews so far. And it has way less side effects than the ones you’re currently taking.”

Laura nodded. “Okay,” she whispered. “I’ll take it.”

Lilita smiled. “Wonderful dear, let me know immediately if you notice any changes.” She stood and walked to the door. “Carmilla, a word please.”

Carmilla followed her mother out and into the hall.

“I need your word Carmilla. No sex with Laura. Follow your treatment.”

Carmilla shook her head. “I don’t know if I can mom. She’s not like everyone else. I want to be with her so bad. I want it all the time. And over and over again.”

Lilita placed a hand on her daughter’s cheek. “Sweetheart. I need your word. I’ve just given Laura a placebo. I want to monitor the effect is has on her. I think people have been lying to her, telling her that’s she’s sick, when she’s not. But if I’m wrong, then you simply  _can’t_ be intimate with her. Your addiction will cause you to put her into a situation where – without meds – she acquiesces and it will be very disastrous to her health and to your relationship.”

Carmilla’s eyes were wide. She nodded. “Okay mom. Okay. I’ll – I’ll keep my hands off Laura.”

Lilita kissed her daughter’s forehead. “Good girl.”

When Carmilla entered the room again, she realized just how strongly the scent of sex was in the air. It hit her full force. Her mouth watered. Her body tingled. Laura was ready and willing – and she couldn’t have the girl…

Laura stared at Carmilla. She wanted to pick up where they had left off. Carmilla wanted her. She wanted Carmilla. The girl had been going slowly with her. Not forcing her to do anything she didn’t want. She still felt Carmilla’s lips and tongue against her. She still felt the girl kissing and mouthing at her bare sex. “Carm,” she whispered. “I still want it.”

Carmilla smirked. Laura wasn’t taking the placebo _yet_. That meant that the girl was still in her right mind at the moment. She could take Laura. They could be together. She looked down at the bracelet. Her eyes quickly scanned the room until they landed on Laura’s metronome. She grinned. She started the metronome and set the bracelet down to where the arm was just tapping it on every swing. A steady heartbeat. She turned back to Laura. “Where were we cupcake?”

"We were at the part where I can't say no to you," Laura whispered. She peeled her sweat shirt off and leaned back on her elbows. She went to push the pajama pants off when Carmilla’s hands stopped hers.

“Allow me,” Carmilla purred. She slid the girl’s pants slowly off of her tanned legs. Each inch of skin revealed to her was making her heart race. Finally, she dropped the pants onto the floor and crawled on top of Laura. She tugged Laura’s tank top off and immediately assaulted the girl’s bare breasts. Laura’s moan was music to her ears.

Laura’s fingers found the back of her roommate’s head and held the girl tightly against her breast. The feeling of Carmilla’s lips wrapped around her bare nipples was amazing. Carmilla’s mouth was fire. And it was quickly igniting her body again. Then Carmilla sucked. The girl sucked her nipple into a hot mouth and just kept sucking like an infant. The heat spread downward and surged into her throbbing pussy. She rolled her hips forward and into Carmilla’s.

Carmilla released Laura’s nipple and sucked the other one into her mouth. She lavished it with the same attention. Then she began to kiss and lick all over Laura’s chest. She rubbed her cheek against Laura’s breasts like a cat – feeling the soft skin. Feeling the girl’s pliant nipple bend under her cheek then spring back up when she pulled away. She took it into her mouth again, not ready to move away.

Laura was grinding mindlessly against Carmilla’s hips at this point. Her clit was throbbing. She could feel the wetness trickling down the crack of her ass. It tickled and turned her on even more.

Carmilla slipped a muscular thigh in between Laura’s legs and allowed the girl to grind against her. She could feel Laura’s arousal coating her skin. The girl was so wet.

Something was building inside of Laura. Something big. Something _huge_. “Fuck, Carm,” she whispered. “I think – I think I’m gonna come.”

Carmilla pulled back immediately. Laura groaned. She smirked down at the girl.

“Fuck why’d you stop?” Laura whined. She pushed her hips against Carmilla’s thigh, but the girl pulled away further. “Fuck Carm. Please,” she begged. “Please just make me come. I want to come. I want you to make me come.” She was beyond embarrassment at the moment. Looking back on this later, she may be mortified at her shameless begging, but right now? She just needed that sweet release she knew that only Carmilla could give her.

Carmilla hooked her fingers into the waist band of Laura’s panties. She tugged downward and watched as the girl lifted her hips to aid in her endeavors. She slid the damp garment down Laura’s thighs and off of the girl’s legs. She tossed the panties behind her and stared down at the completely bare girl beneath her. “That’s better,” she whispered. She surged forward and pushed Laura’s legs wide. Her mouth was against Laura almost instantly – spurred on by how easily the girl had spread her legs. She ran her tongue up and down the full length of Laura’s snatch. The girl shuddered underneath her.

Laura’s hips pressed upward against Carmilla’s mouth. God she wanted. She wanted this so badly. “Please. Fuck. Oh god.”

Carmilla sucked Laura’s clit into her mouth and flicked her tongue over it again and again.

Laura mewled. Carmilla was treating her clit like the girl had treated her nipples. It was erotic and hot and so so good. She whined and writhed under her roommate’s mouth.

Carmilla released her roommate’s hot clit and began to pepper kisses all across Laura’s cunt. She sucked the skin into her mouth and laved it with her tongue. She pulled the fleshy outer lip between her teeth and bit gently. Laura’s hips were almost bucking against her face at this point. She pulled back slightly. “Don’t worry cupcake,” she whispered. “No inch of skin gets left untouched tonight.”

Laura’s mind was in a fog. She was trying to figure out what Carmilla meant when she felt the girl’s hot tongue press _inside_ of her pussy. “Holy fucking fuck,” Laura gasped. She could feel Carmilla’s tongue wiggling inside of her. “Oh god Carm. So good. That’s so good,” she mumbled in ecstasy.

Carmilla pulled away slightly again. “Every inch baby,” she whispered before burying her face in Laura’s snatch once again. She flicked her tongue over Laura’s entrance a few times before sinking a little lower. She felt all of Laura’s muscles tense up with she dragged her tongue along the crack of the girl’s ass.

Laura fingers tightened in Carmilla’s hair and tried to tug the girl away from her ass. “Carm wait. That’s – I don’t – fuck – please – I don’t know if I like that or not.”

Carmilla pressed the tip of her tongue against the little ring of muscle and fluttered it demandingly. The tugging in her hair stopped immediately and she was pulled forward into Laura’s sex again. She smirked against the girl and pushed her tongue even harder until the tip was sliding just inside.

Laura’s entire world was spinning. She’d never felt anything like this before. It was hot and dirty and it made her feel slightly ashamed of herself for liking it so much but god – she liked it. “Oh fuck. Oh god. Oh fuck don’t stop. Carm please. Pease don’t stop.” She wrapped her legs around the girl’s shoulder’s spreading herself wider for her roommate’s questing tongue.

Carmilla just kept dragging her hot tongue inside the crack of Laura’s ass. Over and over again until Laura’s mumbling was no longer making any sense whatsoever. Then she sucked the girl’s clit back into her mouth and pushed two of her finger’s inside of Laura’s dripping cunt.

Laura screamed. The invasion inside of her was completely unexpected. It stung. It felt like she was being ripped open for a few seconds, and then – it felt… “Jesus fuck,” she whispered. “Oh my god. Fuck. What are you? Fuck. What are you doing to me? Fuck that feels so good.”

Carmilla released Laura’s clit just long enough to answer the girl. “I’m fucking you Laura. I’m going to finger your tight little cunt until you’re coming so hard the neighbors will wonder if you’re being murdered in here.” She flicked her tongue over Laura’s clit. “And then I’m going to fuck you again. I’m going to fuck you until you can’t walk. Until you forget your own name.” She pushed her thumb into Laura, but this time it didn’t sink into her dripping pussy.

Laura’s eyes shot open wide. Carmilla had just pushed a finger into her ass. “HOLY FUCK!” she screamed. “Oh my god. Why did you put it _there_? Take it out. Oh my god, take it out.”

Carmilla chuckled against Laura’s cunt. “Why would I take it out when you like it so much?” She wiggled her thumb inside of Laura’s ass and smirked at the loud, unrestrained moan that tore from her roommate’s lips. “You don’t have to be embarrassed around me Laura. If you like something, just tell me. I’ll give it to you. I’ll give you anything you want. You want my tongue in your ass? It’s yours.”

Laura moaned.

“You want my fingers buried in your cunt? Done.” Another moan. “You want me knuckle deep inside that tight little ass of yours? In a fucking heartbeat.”

Laura moaned loudly. “Fuck Carm.” She let out a high-pitched whine as Carmilla’s fingers began to pump in and out of her. Her hips thrust upward at every push of the girl’s fingers. She clamped her ass muscles tightly around the invading finger. When Carmilla’s fingers pinched together inside of her and the girl dragged them out, clamped around the thin barrier between her two holes, Laura lost it.

She felt heat explode from her pussy and spread outward, rushing along her veins like a freight train. Her body tensed. She held her breath. Her brain shut down completely for a few seconds before she collapsed on the bed in a heap of sweaty limbs and heaving breaths. “Oh my god,” she whispered. “Fuck. That was…”

“Just the beginning,” Carmilla purred, before burying her face in Laura’s cunt again.

Laura moaned and pushed at her roommate’s shoulders. “Fuck. I can’t take anymore. It’s so – it’s sensitive. God just let it rest,” she pleaded.

Carmilla kept right on lapping at Laura’s oversensitive clit. The fact that the girl was talking about her pussy as if it had a mind of its own was driving her fucking wild. But she pulled away from Laura’s clit and nibbled on the girl’s outer lips. “You’d be surprised how much your little kitten can take, baby,” she purred. “It doesn’t need to rest. I promise. Just shut your brain down for a while and let your body talk to me.” She pushed her tongue inside of Laura’s cunt, licking at the soft inner walls of the girl’s sex.

Laura’s body was talking alright. It was screaming. It was screaming more, more, more. She rolled her hips against Carmilla’s face and moaned loudly. “Oh god,” she groaned when she heard her father’s ring tone.

“Ignore it,” Carmilla demanded.

Laura nodded. “Didn’t plan on answering it with your tongue buried in my fucking cunt,” she growled. Carmilla’s grip tightened against her thighs and the girl’s efforts doubled against her dripping snatch. “Fuck,” she whispered.

Carmilla nibbled Laura’s still-sensitive clit gently. “God I love it when you talk dirty,” she groaned. “It makes me so fucking hot. Tell me Laura. Tell me what you want me to do to you.”

Laura’s eyes widened. “I – I want…” she hesitated. She’d never done this before. On purpose. Yeah she may have said things that riled Carmilla up before, but she hadn’t been _trying_ to do that then.

“What do you want Laura?” Carmilla purred.

Laura shook her head from side to side as her roommate’s tongue fluttered against her entrance. “I want your tongue buried inside of me as deep as it will go,” she panted. “I want to feel you licking me from the inside. God it’s like a hot, wet little snake inside of me and it just feels…” she gasped as Carmilla’s tongue pushed inside of her even deeper. “Fuck it’s so good.”

Carmilla tongue fucked her roommate for a few minutes before pulling away and standing up. Laura looked up at her with wide-eyed confusion.

“Are you done?” Laura asked hesitantly. “Did I do something wrong?”

Carmilla’s eyes softened. “Never, Laura. I just have too many clothes on,” she said as she pulled her shirt over her head and watched Laura’s eyes widen even more. Carmilla knelt beside her bed and pulled out a shoe box. She hid what she’d taken from the box behind her back. “I have something you’re going to _love_ Laura,” she purred. She crawled on top of Laura and pushed the vibrator against the girl’s clit.

Laura’s hips shot off of the bed. “Ngh! F-fuck! Mmmmm.” Laura moaned loudly. The constant buzz of the vibrator was sending her pussy into another spasming orgasm. She wailed her release even as Carmilla pulled the vibrator away and pushed it inside of her.

Carmilla pumped the vibrator in and out of Laura’s drenched pussy. The girl’s hips were gyrating on the bed now. She leaned forward and held the girl’s hips in place as she sucked her roommate’s clit into her mouth again.

Laura shuddered in release again. Her body couldn’t take much more of this. She was going to pass out from the sheer pleasure Carmilla was giving her. She was vaguely aware of the fact that this _wasn’t_ what someone’s first time should be like. She shouldn’t be afraid of passing out from too many orgasms. She knew Carmilla was a sex addict. She knew that her first time with the girl wouldn’t be like a normal first time. She’d accepted that. But still – this was intense. They should be taking it slow, like they’d started out. But she was so lost in the pleasure that she couldn’t bring herself to care much. That was until Carmilla pulled the vibrator out of her dripping snatch and slipped it in between the cheeks of her ass. “Please don’t,” she whispered.

Carmilla froze. She looked up at Laura’s face for the first time in a while. The girl’s eyes were wide. Laura’s bottom lip was trembling. She looked terrified. She looked back down at the tip of the vibrator pressed against the girl’s ass. She pulled it away and turned it off. “God Laura. I’m sorry.”

Laura smiled. Carmilla had stopped when she’d asked. “Don’t be sorry Carmilla. I wanted that. I wanted all of that.” She glanced at the vibrator. “Except maybe that last past. I didn’t want you to put that in my ass. It’s too big. It would hurt. I wouldn’t like that. I’m sure.”

Carmilla nodded. She looked at the girl beneath her. Laura was completely wrecked. Her roommate’s hair was a nest of tangles. Laura’s skin was glistening with sweat. Her chest was heaving, lips parted in a pant. She leaned down and captured Laura’s lips in a gentle kiss. “God you’re so beautiful like this Laura.” She trailed her eyes down Laura’s body suggestively. “And this has been _amazing_.” She frowned. “But maybe my mom is right. We probably shouldn’t do this again until I’m sure I can control my urges. I don’t want to make you do something you don’t want to.”

Laura searched Carmilla’s eyes for any hints that the girl was just blowing her off with a well-rehearsed line. She found nothing but sincerity in her roommate’s gaze. She nodded. “Whatever you need Carm,” she whispered. “But maybe, maybe while we wait for that to happen – I could touch you?”

Carmilla blinked. Laura wanted to touch her. Could she give up her control and let the girl have her body? She’d almost done it once before at camp. It would be a way to stay connected to Laura, without having to worry about pushing the girl too far. And she’d be lying if she said she hadn’t thought about what Laura’s fingers would feel like – buried knuckle-deep inside of her cunt. She nodded. “You can touch me whenever you want to cupcake. However you want to. My body is yours. To explore. To taste. To tie down and tease for hours. Anything you want Laura. You can take everything.”

Laura’s eyes widened. Anything she wanted. What did she want? She knew she wanted to touch. She wanted to explore. Did she want to taste? Did she want to tease? She closed her eyes and pictured herself between Carmilla’s creamy thighs. She could almost feel the girl’s strong legs pulling her in. Years of playing softball and running bases and going to the weight room were bound to have left Carmilla’s thighs a force to be reckoned with. “God I want everything,” she whispered. She glanced at the clock. “But you have practice in like, fifteen minutes.”

Carmilla jerked her head around and looked at the clock. “Fuck! Cupcake. Where did the time go?” She kissed Laura’s lips gently. “You sure that beautiful snatch of yours isn’t some kind of inter-dimensional worm hole?”

Laura scrunched up her face. “Gross Carm. Don’t talk about my pussy and worms in the same sentence. That’s disgusting.”

Carmilla chuckled but made a grossed out face. “You’re right. That _is_ gross.” She shook her head. Then leaned down a placed one last open mouthed kiss against Laura’s hot cunt.

Laura shivered. “You better go now before I just keep you here for hours with my legs wrapped around your neck,” Laura said huskily. Where the fuck had that come from?

Carmilla groaned. “Christ cupcake. You can’t say things like that to a sex addict. It sounds like a challenge. It’s _really_ hard for me to turn down a sexual challenge.”

Laura frowned. “Is that why you made the bet about me? At camp?”

Carmilla nodded. “It’s one of the reasons.” She might as well be as honest as possible. She didn’t want to lose Laura or scare the girl away. “Ell is – hard for me to – resist.”

Laura’s eyebrows drew together. “Ell like – your sister Ell?”

Carmilla groaned. “She’s my step-sister. And yes, her. Even though she’s a manipulative bitch ninety nine point nine percent of the time. I still remember when she was a sweet, caring girl. And my first love.”

Laura studied Carmilla’s face carefully. “Do you still love her?” She still remembered her fear induced hallucinations where Carmilla had been married to her step sister.

Carmilla frowned. “I thought I did. I thought I always would. But, I don’t think that now. I don’t want Ell. I want – I want you, Laura.”

Laura took a deep breath. She smiled. She really was wanted. “I want you too,” she whispered. “But now you only have five minutes to get to practice.” She giggled when Carmilla shot off the bed and began to pull on her practice clothes.

Carmilla pulled the practice jersey over her head and laced up one cleat. “Will you still be here when I get back?”

Laura smiled. “I’ll be right here.”

Carmilla pressed a gentle kiss to Laura’s lips before she ran from the room.

Laura leaned back on the bed and sighed. Her body was sore and exhausted. She pulled the sheets over her and fell asleep almost instantly. Instead of nightmares, she was graced with beautiful dreams of a hot body writhing against her own. Lips gently pressed between her thighs. Fingers sliding in and out of her. The dream had been amazing until Carmilla’s face had shifted into a cold mask. Her voice grew demanding as she ordered Laura to do things that were unspeakable. Images of Carmilla ordering her to touch herself as other people watched. Forcing Laura to watch as the girl made love to countless other girls. Carmilla demanding that she tie her down and torture her body.

Laura jerked awake. She shouldn’t have ever read anything about paraphilia. Carmilla had never even mentioned any of those things to her, and yet her subconscious was terrified that one day the girl would ask these things of her. When she looked over at Carmilla’s side of the room, the girl was sitting on the edge of her own bed staring at Laura in horror.

Carmilla shook her head. “You were talking in your sleep,” she said emotionlessly. “You were begging me to stop. You kept saying ‘please, don’t make me do that, Carm,’ and whimpering.” She frowned. “Is that what you think of me?” She closed her eyes. “Did I just force myself on you? Did you not want to do that?”

Laura sat up and shook her head quickly. “No no no, Carm. I wanted that. You didn’t force me. I just – I dreamt that – I dreamt that you asked me to do something so bad. You wanted me to tie you up and – and hurt you. And I couldn’t – I couldn’t make myself do that. But you wanted it so badly and I – I didn’t know what to do.” She was sobbing at this point.

Carmilla laughed. “Jesus cupcake. You scared me for a second.”

Laura froze. Carmilla was _laughing_.

“You _really_ need to stop researching paraphilia Laura. I promise you. I’m not a masochist. I don’t want you to beat me while we have sex. I’ll never ask you to do that.” She chuckled again. “Come here baby,” she cooed. “There’s really only one paraphilia that even interests me a little.”

Laura’s eyes got wide as she settled herself into Carmilla’s arms. “W-what is it?” she asked hesitantly.

Carmilla took a deep breath. “I want to touch you – when you’re sleeping. I want to be able to make your unconscious body come. I want you to wake up in the middle of a mind-blowing orgasm and not be able to stop it. God I want to do that so bad. But I would never touch you without your consent Laura.”

Laura’s eyes were wide. “You want to touch me in my sleep?”

Carmilla nodded. “Just thinking about it turns me on so much.” She shifted against Laura. “Fuck, even right now. I’m so wet for you. For the thought of that. Of touching your body when you’re brain is completely shut down. I want to know how your body responds to me when your brain isn’t telling it how it’s supposed to respond.”

Laura sucked in a deep breath. What Carmilla was asking for was basically its own brand of sexual assault. Laura couldn’t give her consent if she was asleep. She couldn’t stop Carmilla if the girl did something she wasn’t comfortable with. She’d basically be giving free reign of her body to a sex addict and saying _sure just do whatever you want. It’s not like I’ll ever know._ She shook her head. But Carmilla was asking for her consent _now_. The girl was asking her if it was okay. If it was okay that her body was _used_ for someone else’s sexual gratification. She bit her lip. “I might have to work up to that one,” she whispered.

Carmilla nodded. At least she’d had the guts to ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://hollsteinFF.tumblr.com
> 
> @H0llst3inFF
> 
> Song: Evanescence - Lose Control
> 
> Crack open a beer and do something that doesn't require a lot of thought. You've just made it through 12k words of angst and sexual frustration. You deserve a break.


	10. Lost In Paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla is finding it harder and harder to stick to her treatment, especially when Laura seems to only be thinking about one thing.
> 
> Laura's sexual awakening couldn't have come at a worse time. Can the unstable beginnings of their relationship withstand the storm that breaks lose when hot and cold fronts overlap?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of smutty.
> 
> Kind of angsty.
> 
> Kind of heartbreaking.

Carmilla crouched behind home plate. The bases were loaded and they were ahead by four. The Badger’s best hitter was up. She knew it was going to be a slam before she even heard the bat connect with the ball. The ball sailed toward the fence behind left field. It landed just shy and the outfielder picked it up instantly hurling it toward the shortstop. Three runs had made it in by the time the shortstop was flinging the ball toward home plate. The last runner was rounding third. She caught the ball and stood her ground, knowing the girl was going to barrel over her in hopes that she’d drop the ball. She held on for dear life.

The force of the runner impacting her body felt like she was getting hit by a car. She stepped back with her left leg and felt her ankle twist in a weird position. The pain was instant and she buckled to her knees. The runner’s knee collided with her jaw and they tumbled over each other. Her free arm shot out to catch her fall, but the force of her body – and the body on top of her – snapped her wrist like a twig. She tumbled and landed on her back with a thud. Her gloved hand hit the ground and it took every ounce of strength she had to keep her glove shut tight around the ball. 

She heard the umpire yell _OUT!_ She would have smiled if the pain in her ankle and wrist wasn’t making her dizzy. She lied there. Unmoving. Pain radiating through her entire body. She briefly remembered being loaded into the ambulance – again.

* * *

“It’s just a sprained ankle and a broken wrist, cupcake, I think I can manage,” Carmilla whined as she hobbled along on her crutch, trying to get to her bed. She hated crutches. They were such an annoyance. Add to that the fact that she could only use one arm, it got complicated. Why couldn’t they have just put her in a boot? She sat down on her bed and leaned the death stick against the headboard. She sniffed her jersey. She’d had to put the same clothes back on when she’d checked herself out of the hospital.

Laura chuckled as she watched Carmilla’s face scrunch up from the smell of her jersey. “You want me to get you some fresh clothes?”

Carmilla nodded. “Yeah, but I think I need to take a shower before I put them on. I feel disgusting.” She began to strip off her clothes, tossing them to the floor. She picked up the crutch with her good arm and hobbled toward the bathroom.

Laura watched the sad display. She grabbed a pair of shorts, underwear, and a tank top from Carmilla’s dresser and knocked softly on the door. She heard a squeak from the other side. Carmilla actually squeaked. Laura pushed the door open slightly and had to bite her lip to keep from laughing. Her roommate had gotten her pants and jersey off easily enough outside, but she was standing in the middle of the bathroom with her under shirt pulled over her shoulders, hiding her face and stuck on the cast. “You need some help there, champ?” she joked.

Carmilla glared in her roommate’s direction. She couldn’t see through the shirt covering her face, but it made her feel better nonetheless. “I can get it. It’s just stuck on this damn cast,” she whined. She tried a couple more times to get loose, when she felt soft hands sliding up her bare back. She sucked in a shuddering breath. It had been _way_ too long. Laura pulled the shirt over her head and carefully untangled it from around her cast. “Laura,” she whispered. “You can’t touch me like that. I – I can’t…” She stared into her roommate’s eyes. “I’m not going to be able to control myself,” she admitted.

Laura looked up with wide-eyed innocence. “Sorry,” she whispered. “I didn’t mean to – um – I wasn’t trying to…” She glanced at the floor. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Carmilla said in a pained voice. “It’s just, I’m trying to be good, and when you touch me like that it’s really hard for me to not just drop to my knees in front of you and bury my face in between your legs.”

Heat pooled in Laura’s stomach. It had been doing that a _lot_ lately. Especially now – now that she knew what she had been missing all this time. She craved that release again. She wanted that feeling of everything slipping away for a few seconds. God she wanted to cum. So much so that she’d tried a few times to get herself off again – while Carmilla was in class. It never worked. It seemed her roommate was the only one with _that_ magic touch. She helped Carmilla out of her panties and into the shower. She watched as the girl tried to balance herself on her right foot, holding tight to the bar with her left hand. There was no way her roommate was going to be able to shower by herself. She peeled off her shirt and dropped it to the ground.

Carmilla’s eyes went wide. “What are you doing?!” she asked in a panicked voice. She watched as Laura pulled the sports bra over her head and pushed her shorts and panties down. She quickly looked down at her own feet, trying desperately to get the image out of her head.

Laura watched Carmilla’s cheeks turn red and frowned as her roommate diverted her eyes. “You can’t shower alone. You can barely hold yourself up in there. How are you going to wash yourself?”

Carmilla continued to stare at her own feet. “I’ll manage,” she mumbled. She knew she couldn’t do it alone, but she’d decided she was just going to rinse off really quick and maybe like, sit down with the soap and get everything she could. “I can’t – I won’t be able to control myself if you get in here Laura.”

Laura stared at the girl. “Carm,” she whispered. “Just let me help you. I don’t want you to hurt yourself. I’ll be careful.” She stepped into the shower and turned on the hot spray. Carmilla’s back was facing her, so she reached for the washcloth and began to soap it up. She slowly dragged the cloth across Carmilla’s back and watched as the girl sucked in a deep breath.

Carmilla held tightly to the bar with her left hand. She kept her right wrist out of the spray of the shower as Laura washed her back. Even though it was a soapy washcloth touching her – and not Laura’s fingers – knowing that her roommate was the one holding the cloth made her insides boil. She shut her eyes tightly and took another deep breath. Laura’s touch was like a gentle massage all over her back. When the girl moved the washcloth over her arms and down to her hands she almost lost it. How was something so simple as touching her _hand_ turning her on so much?

Laura finished with Carmilla’s upper body and knelt behind the girl. She washed Carmilla’s feet – being extra careful with the sprained ankle – and moved up her roommate’s calves and onward to Carmilla’s thighs. She was very careful not to get too close to anything that would set Carmilla off, but she was eye level with her roommate’s perfect ass and she just wanted to _touch_. It was a cruel type of wanting feeling – knowing that she couldn’t have it. “Carm, I’m going to – um – I’m going to wash your – uh – just take a deep breath, kay?”

Carmilla gripped the bar until her knuckles were white. Laura dragged the washcloth over the cheeks of her ass and by the time the girl had finished washing her thoroughly, she could feel her entire body trembling.

“Okay, turn around Carm,” Laura whispered.

Carmilla slowly turned around. She kept her eyes closed until she felt Laura’s hands on her hips, steadying her. Her eyes snapped open and the sight of Laura – naked and kneeling before her – caused molten lava to pool between her legs. “Fuck,” she whispered. She let go of the bar and tangled her fingers into Laura’s hair. She tugged Laura forward until the girl was inches away from her dripping sex.

Laura’s eyes darted up to Carmilla’s. They locked together in smoldering stare. Both daring the other to make a move. Neither even so much as breathing. Laura glanced back at the wet folds in front of her. She licked her lips. “I – I want you so bad right now Carm. But – I don’t want to do anything that’s going to make it harder on you,” she whispered. Kicking herself for not just going after her goal.

Carmilla’s grip loosened in Laura’s hair as she tried to control herself. “You’re – no – yeah you’re right. We probably shouldn’t.”

Laura nodded. She started washing Carmilla’s legs again and finished with the rest of her quickly. She washed her roommate’s hair last. When she turned Carmilla around to rinse the girl off, she couldn’t help herself. She let her fingers gently trail along Carmilla’s taut stomach and down further. Her fingers sank into wet heat and they both moaned. “I forgot – one spot,” she whispered.

Carmilla’s hips shot forward. “Fuck, cupcake. Please,” she moaned. “I mean, can’t let anything go unwashed. Right?”

Laura’s fingers continued their gentle rubbing. “Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. This isn’t technically breaking your treatment. Just one roommate, helping another out. Making sure everything is clean.” Her hand pushed a little more demandingly against her roommate’s pussy. Soapy fingers sliding in and out of damp folds. “Do you – do you think you’re clean enough yet?”

Carmilla bit her lip. “Um, maybe just a little more. I didn’t shower for like two days and I was in the middle of a game. I feel _really_ dirty.” It was taking everything she had not to gyrate her hips with Laura’s careful movements. Laura was just being helpful. She shouldn’t take advantage of that. And she had to follow her treatment. She couldn’t let her mom down again.

Laura trailed her soapy fingers along Carmilla’s slit – up and down – carefully avoiding that one place she knew would drive her roommate over the edge. Until it became too hard for her to resist. Then she slowly circled Carmilla’s clit.

Carmilla moaned loudly. She grabbed Laura’s hand with her own. “Laura stop,” she said, voice full of agony. “I can’t,” she whispered.

Laura frowned. She shouldn’t tempt Carmilla like that, but it was so hard. Now that she knew what it felt like, she only wanted to make Carmilla feel the same way the girl had made her feel. Carmilla had told her that she could touch – whenever – wherever – but her roommate was pulling back. Carmilla was slowly pushing her away. And even though she understood why, it still hurt. “Sorry,” she whispered. “I shouldn’t have done that.” She quickly turned off the water and helped Carmilla out of the shower. She toweled the girl off and helped her roommate into the pajamas she had set aside.

Laura helped Carmilla to her bed and sat down on the edge. They’d been sharing the same bed since the first night she’d finally touched the girl, but tonight, she thought it might be too hard. So when Laura started to crawl in with her, she stopped the girl. “I think maybe you should sleep in your own bed tonight cupcake.”

Laura frowned. She felt something inside of her rip open. “Oh. Oh okay. Yeah. That’s probably best,” she stuttered. “I’m sorry – for earlier. I didn’t mean…”

Carmilla grimaced. “It’s fine, Laura. Really. I just – I’m just a little worked up. I think it’d be best if we weren’t pressed up against each other right now.”

Laura nodded. “Okay. Well, if you need anything during the night, just – um – just let me know.”

Carmilla smiled. “Thanks cupcake.”

Laura crawled into her own bed and was instantly taken over by how _wrong_ it felt. She hadn’t slept alone for two weeks. And now – it just felt _off_. Carmilla was pushing her away. They hadn’t had sex since that first time, and while she understood – she did – really – she couldn’t help but wonder if this really was her roommate’s way of brushing her to the side. Was Carmilla actually doing the thing that Laura always thought the girl would do? Fucking her and then leaving her… 

She didn’t sleep much at all that night. She kept overthinking everything. Words kept finding their way into her thoughts. Taking over. Corrupting. Eventually – before she _finally_ fell asleep – the words came together to form a song. She’d have to put music to it the next afternoon while Carmilla was in class.

* * *

A month. It had been a month. The last two weeks they hadn’t so much as _touched_ each other. Laura was slowly going crazy. Her insecurities were really starting to get the best of her. She was finding it more and more difficult to go to her classes, though she couldn’t tell if that was the new medication or the added anxiety of not knowing where she and Carmilla stood. Today she simply _thought_ about standing her ground in class when one of her classmates critiqued her work, and just the thought of arguing had left her in a state of panic. She was regressing – and quickly. But she didn’t know _why_. The new meds had been working perfectly the first few weeks, but now it was like she wasn’t taking anything at all. She’d skipped most of her morning classes because the anxiety of being surrounded by other people overwhelmed her before she’d even finished her breakfast.

She sat at her piano and pressed her fingers along the keys. Slowly, a melody formed itself. And she lost herself in the music for a while. After just playing for a bit, she finally started to weave in the lyrics that had haunted her so many nights ago.

Carmilla stood outside the door and listened to Laura play. Her afternoon independent study had been cancelled and she’d gotten back to their room early. She hadn’t heard Laura play in so long she was beginning to wonder if the girl had stopped altogether. When her roommate’s voice filtered through the heavy door her lips curled up in a smile, before twitching back down into a frown at the words.

 _I’ve been believing in something so distant._  
_As if I was human._  
_And I’ve been denying this feeling of hopelessness._  
_In me. In me._

Laura felt hopeless? Carmilla thought her roommate had gotten past that feeling of hopelessness. She’d thought she’d had a big part in that over the last couple of months, maybe she’d made the whole thing up.

 _All the promises I made._  
_Just to let you down._  
_You believed in me, but I’m broken._

Carmilla’s frown deepened. Laura was _not_ broken. Where was this coming from? Was it the placebo? Was Laura’s disorder finally showing its true colors?

Laura felt so broken. Like the past couple of months she’d been living a complete lie. Carmilla didn’t want her. The girl had only wanted her body. Well – she’d given that up, and now she was being tossed to the side. The worst part about it was – she _knew_ it was going to happen. She _knew_ Carmilla was going to use her, and she’d let it happen anyway. She’d let the girl take everything, and – she’d do it all over again. What did that say about her?

 _I have nothing left._  
_And all I feel is this cruel wanting._

Carmilla gasped. Laura was singing about her. Not her per se, but she knew the girl well enough by now to pick up on certain things. Laura was singing about how Carmilla was making her feel. Her roommate felt like she had nothing left – because she’d given it all away – to her. And now that Laura knew what she’d been missing all along, it just left her feeling this insatiable _wanting_ feeling. She knew all about that feeling. She frowned. She’d been keeping Laura at arm’s length for the last month. She thought that was the best idea. It was helping her keep up with her treatment. And with Laura on the placebo, it was helping Carmilla to keep from taking advantage of the girl.

 _We’ve been falling for all this time._  
_And now I’m lost in paradise._

Falling? Is that what they’d been doing? All at once it hit her. She _had_ been falling for Laura this whole time. She was completely head over heels for the girl. Why else would she go so long without sex? Why else would she put so much effort into trying to fix herself? She wanted to be better – for Laura.

 _As much as I’d like the past not to exist._  
_It still does._  
_And as much as I’d like to feel like I belong here._  
_I’m just as scared as you._

Laura could tell that Carmilla was scared. They were both in new territory. Carmilla was scared of committing. Of letting herself feel something. And Laura? She was terrified that she’d never get to feel something again. Complete opposites in their desires. How could they ever manage as lovers? How had Laura ever been so stupid?

 _I have nothing left._  
_And all I feel is this cruel wanting._

She had nothing left. She’d given it all away. Just like her father had been terrified she would do. That she’d get herself into some situation where she couldn’t think straight and she’d just let someone take everything. Had he been right all along? Is that what she’d done? Did she just let Carmilla take everything?

 _We’ve been falling for all this time._  
_And now I’m lost in paradise._

She’d fallen so hard for Carmilla. She couldn’t picture her life without the girl. Carmilla had _saved_ her. She wouldn’t have a life if not for her roommate. And yet, she _still_ wasn’t good enough. How had she been good enough to save, but not good enough to keep the girl’s attention?

 _Run away, run away._  
_One day we won’t feel this pain anymore._

They were both feeling the pain. Carmilla knew Laura was in pain. She could tell that Laura needed _something_. Something physical. She wanted to be able to give that to her, but could she? Could she give in to Laura and still keep herself?

 _Take it all away._  
_Shadows of you._  
_Cause they won’t let me go._

She didn’t want to be the cause of Laura’s pain. It hurt her knowing that she had hurt the girl. Was _still_ hurting Laura. Her roommate wanted to touch her, she could let that happen right? She could control herself long enough to stop hurting Laura. Right?

 _Until I have nothing left._  
_And all I feel is this cruel wanting._

She couldn’t keep pushing the girl away. It was obvious it was doing more damage than good. She had to give Laura _something_.

 _We’ve been falling for all this time._  
_And now I’m lost in paradise._

_Alone, and lost in paradise._

Laura heard the door open and turned to meet her roommate’s eyes. She could tell from the look on Carmilla’s face that the girl had been listening to her play. She stayed silent however. She was giving Carmilla an easy out. Her roommate could just pretend like she hadn’t heard anything and go on with the way things had been going. Instead, Carmilla walked straight toward her and knelt down in front of her.

Carmilla looked up and stared into Laura eyes. “You’re not alone Laura. And you’re not lost. I found you. And I’m not letting you go,” she whispered, crashing her lips into Laura’s. She pulled the girl from the bench and walked them backwards to her bed. She sat down on the edge and scooted back. She pulled Laura down on top of her lap.

Laura straddled Carmilla’s lap, deepening the kiss the instant the girl’s mouth allowed her to. Her hands tangled into Carmilla’s hair. She went to tug her shirt off, but Carmilla stopped her.

“Wait,” Carmilla gasped. “If you – if you take your clothes off I’m going to lose it,” she admitted. “You wanted to touch me, so I – you can touch me – but I – I need you to – um – I need you to tie my hands up. I can’t – I can’t keep my hands off of you, but if you tie them down then I can let you touch me.”

Laura stared at her roommate with wide eyes. “You – want me to tie you down?”

Carmilla smirked. “Relax cupcake. It’s not like that. I just – I don’t want to lose control and do something that will hurt both of us.”

Laura nodded. “Okay,” she dragged the word out. She looked around until her eyes landed on the Burberry scarf her father had gotten her for her birthday last year. She grabbed the scarf and carefully tied Carmilla’s hands to the headboard. “It’s not too tight is it?”

Carmilla shook her head. “No it’s – it’s fine.” Something about being completely helpless to the girl above her was turning her on. Laura stared down at her hungrily. The girl’s fingers started to carefully unfasten the buttons of her shirt. Finally, when Laura got them all unhooked, she pushed the shirt open and gasped.

Laura stared down at Carmilla. She’d been expecting a bra, but the sight of her roommate’s bare chest made her mouth go dry. She kept glancing at the scarf, hoping that she wasn’t hurting Carmilla’s wrist. Her roommate had gotten the cast off last week, and said everything was healed up just fine, but she couldn’t help but worry. She leaned forward and placed gentle kisses all along Carmilla’s taut stomach. The feeling of soft skin under her lips was driving her wild. “You’re so soft,” she whispered against the heated flesh.

Carmilla smiled. Laura’s warm lips were like heaven. Her back arched off of the mattress when Laura’s hot mouth closed around her nipple. The moan she let out was so deep she found herself wondering where inside of her it had originated. Her entire body was pulled tight as a bowstring – just waiting to be released. Laura’s fingers were fumbling with the button of her jeans and if her hands hadn’t been restrained, she’d have already ripped the pants from her body.

Laura finally unbuttoned Carmilla’s jeans and pulled them down the girl’s legs. She tossed them to the floor and looked back at her roommate hungrily. “God I’ve wanted to do this for so long,” she whispered against Carmilla’s breast. She trailed kisses down the girl’s body until she was lightly nipping at Carmilla’s hipbone. She pulled back and took in her roommate’s appearance – chest heaving, pupils blown wide, lips parted. Carmilla was beautiful. She wanted to taste, but she was so insecure about not being good enough. She trailed her lips back up Carmilla’s body and kissed the girl deeply. Her hand slipped between Carmilla’s legs and she began to rub at the girl through her panties. Carmilla’s hips moved with her instantly. Rising off of the bed and pushing against her questing fingers.

Carmilla wasn’t going to last very long. Laura hadn’t even touched her directly yet, and she was already so close. “Laura please,” she panted. “Please touch me. I can’t stand it. Please,” she begged. She thrust her hips upward to make her point.

Laura carefully hooked her fingers in Carmilla’s panties and slowly dragged them down the girl’s legs. When she settled back on top of her roommate, her fingers sank into wet heat. Carmilla’s wetness instantly coated her searching fingers. She slid them along the girl’s damp folds, circling Carmilla’s clit. Then – finally – she did what she’d been longing to do ever since the Back to School Bash. She pushed two fingers inside of Carmilla and they both moaned loudly. It felt like – like one time when she was little, and her mother had made a cherry cobbler. She’d pushed her fingers through the crust to pull out a cherry from the warm center of the dessert. Carmilla felt _just_ like that – and all of a sudden, she was _hungry._

Laura pumped her fingers in and out of Carmilla, slowly quickening her pace. She curled her fingers upward – like Carmilla had done to her – and she watched as her roommate fell apart. It was so beautiful. Carmilla’s face was flushed and damp with sweat. The girl’s chest was heaving, then it stopped altogether for a few seconds – back arched off of the mattress, toes curled into the sheets. When Carmilla’s body collapsed on the bed, Laura removed her fingers. Without thinking, she sucked them into her mouth. She moaned at the taste. It was so foreign and yet so familiar at the same time. Like tasting a new brand of chocolate for the first time.

Carmilla sucked in a deep breath and tried to regain some semblance of self control. She looked up at Laura with heavy eyelids. “Jesus cupcake,” she rasped. “That was fucking amazing.”

Laura beamed at the girl. “Yeah?” she asked, voice laced with more than a little doubt. She was _so_ turned on. She wanted to be touched so badly. She bit her lip and ground her hips down into Carmilla’s.

Carmilla nodded. “Yes cupcake. Really.” She moaned when she felt Laura’s hips grinding against her own. She tugged on the scarf, willing the thing to break and release her hands. She groaned. “Cupcake, please don’t. I can’t,” she pleaded. Laura continued to grind against her – seemingly not even hearing her pleas. “Laura please. Stop. You’re driving me insane. I want you so bad right now.”

 _I want you_. It was always the magic phrase. It was the only thing Laura heard. Carmilla wanted her. She rocked against the girl with reckless abandonment. Slowly building that delicious pressure inside of her.

Carmilla tried her hardest to resist. But when she heard Laura’s breathless moans, she lost it completely. “Untie me cupcake,” she said lowly.

That seemed to snap her back to reality. Laura shook her head. “No, you have to follow your treatment. If I untied you now, you’d totally fuck me.”

Carmilla nodded vigorously. “That’s the plan yeah.”

Laura pouted. She _really_ wanted that. “I can’t Carm,” she whined. “I don’t want to be the reason you relapse.” Still, she pushed her hips into the girl again and again.

Carmilla groaned again. “Fine, leave me tied up. But at least take your clothes off.”

Laura bit her lip. “That wouldn’t make it too hard for you?”

Carmilla stared at the girl, then pulled on her bindings again. “What could I do about it?”

Laura looked back up at Carmilla’s bound wrists. She nodded. “Okay,” she whispered. She pulled her shirt over her head and tossed it to the side. Then she pushed her yoga pants and panties down her legs, kicking them over the side of the bed. She straddled Carmilla’s hips again and ground down into the girl. They both moaned loudly. “Fuck,” she whispered.

“Laura,” Carmilla said lowly. “Straddle my thigh.”

Laura followed her roommate’s instructions. She straddled Carmilla’s left thigh and gasped as the firm muscle was pushed against her aching core. She started rocking against Carmilla – slowly at first, then with a neediness that seemed to come from thin air. She ground her sex against the slick skin over and over again, the heat building steadily in her stomach. She wanted Carmilla’s mouth against her. She needed it. She lifted herself off of the girl beneath her and shimmied forward until her dripping pussy was inches from Carmilla’s face.

Carmilla shook her head. “Laura, please don’t do this,” she whispered.

Laura shuddered as hot breath caressed her naked cunt. “Please Carm. I need you so bad. Please, just this once. Just touch me. I’ll let you do anything. I’ll let you do anything to me. My body is yours. Please just – just fuck me,” she begged.

Carmilla groaned. “Anything?” she whispered. Laura nodded. “Untie me, Laura,” she demanded.

Laura didn’t budge. And everything just snapped. She lunged forward and captured Laura’s clit between her teeth. She flicked at the little nub with her tongue and rolled it in her mouth. She sucked at it like an infant.

Laura fell apart in an embarrassing amount of time, shuddering and jerking against the warm tongue pressed between her thighs. She collapsed on top of Carmilla and rode out the aftershocks of her orgasm.

Carmilla stared at the girl on top of her. Laura was still straddling her chest. She could feel the girl’s wetness leaving a trail across her heated skin. “Laura,” she growled. “Untie me now or so help me God I will _never_ touch you again.”

Laura’s eyes snapped up to meet Carmilla’s. It wasn’t an empty threat. She’d pushed the girl too far. She could see the unrestrained desire in her roommate’s eyes. Carmilla’s entire body was trembling. She slowly leaned forward and loosened the bindings.

When her hands were free and grabbed Laura and flipped the girl onto her back. “So about that anything, cupcake,” she growled. “Get on your hands and knees.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://hollsteinff.tumblr.com
> 
> @H0llst3inFF
> 
> Song: Evanescence - Lost In Paradise


	11. Weight Of The World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura and Carmilla fall into something neither of them expected.
> 
> Laura finally decides to tell her father that she's gay. It doesn't exactly go as planned.
> 
> A blast from the past turns their entire world upside-down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot smutty.
> 
> A little angsty.
> 
> And just one more cliff-hanger to add to the growing pile. ;)

Laura stared at Carmilla with wide eyes. “My – my hands and knees?” She sat up. “Why? Um – that’s not really a…OOF!”

Carmilla grabbed Laura and flipped the girl onto her stomach. “Now cupcake,” she growled. She smirked as Laura pushed herself up onto her knees and elbows. “Stop,” she growled. “Right there. Don’t move an inch.”

Laura’s mind was reeling. What the heck could Carmilla want from _this_ position? She didn’t have much time to ponder before her roommate’s face was pressed against her from behind. “Oh god!” she moaned. Carmilla’s tongue was pressing against her ass. “S-stop! I haven’t showered since this morning!” Her roommate’s hand came down _hard_ against the cheek of her ass. It stung and she tried to jerk her tender flesh away but Carmilla’s hands were like a vice on her hips.

“Stop squirming, creampuff,” Carmilla growled lowly. “You said anything I wanted. And I want your ass,” she said, licking along the length of Laura’s crack. “Besides, what have you done other than play piano all day? You still smell like vanilla.”

Laura groaned. “Th-that’s not the point!” she huffed. “Oh my god!” she moaned as Carmilla continued to tongue at her ass. “Why do you – ngh fuck – why do you like doing this so much? It’s – it’s dirty,” she whispered.

Carmilla’s fingers found Laura’s clit. She rubbed against the tiny nub furiously. “It’s dirty and you _love_ it,” she growled. “But don’t worry cupcake. I’m just getting you ready.”

Laura’s eyes widened. “R-ready for what?” she asked meekly.

Carmilla leaned over the side of the bed and knocked the lid off of the shoebox. She pulled out an average sized strap-on – maybe a bit on the smaller side. “Ready for me to take you from behind, cupcake.” She pulled the strap-on into place and pressed it against the girl.

Laura squeaked. She didn’t want to be taken from behind. She wanted to be able to look into Carmilla’s eyes and see that loving adoration that she’d seen the last time the girl had touched her. But Carmilla was already pushing the dildo inside of her. And _god_ she could admit that it felt _amazing_ from this angle. But then she felt – something else. Something pressed against her ass teasingly. “Oh my god!” she groaned. “What’s that?”

Carmilla smirked. “It’s a new toy baby,” she whispered. “It’s gonna make you feel so good.” She pressed a little more demandingly against Laura. The tip of the attached vibrating plug slid _just_ inside of Laura’s ass. It was no bigger than her thumb, so she knew Laura could handle it. “Let me know when you’re ready cupcake.”

Laura shook her head. She wasn’t ready. She was _full_. Something was inside of her ass. And the dildo was filling her pussy completely. It was nothing like Carmilla’s fingers. It was nothing like anything – even the vibrator. “Wait that’s – that's too much. I can’t – I can’t think straight. I don’t…” she tried desperately to find her words.

Carmilla pushed in a little further. “You promised cupcake. Plus, have I _ever_ done something that you didn’t like?”

Laura moaned. That much was true. Carmilla had never done anything to her body that she didn’t find absolutely amazing. But was that _her_ thought or was that her disorder telling her not to argue? “I – um – that’s – holy _fuck_ ,” she shouted as the dildo inside of her came _alive_. It started throbbing and making a circular motion deep inside of her, rubbing against every part of her hot cunt. “Ngh! Fuck! Carm, what – what’s going on?” She pushed her hips back against the girl without really thinking and the rest of the toy slid inside of her. “Omigod!”

Carmilla smirked again. She _knew_ Laura would like this. She reached down and turned the dial on the remote of the toy. She felt the little plug start to vibrate.

Laura’s vision was already starting to blur when she felt the thing inside of her ass start to vibrate. “Ho-holy mother of – _fuck_ – C-carm?” She pushed her hips back against Carmilla’s. “M-move. D-don’t just sit there,” she begged.

Carmilla’s smirked widened. “As you wish, _Laura,_ ” she purred the girl’s name. She began thrusting in and out of Laura, careful not to let either of the shafts slip out of the girl completely. Laura’s groan of approval only fueled the fire inside of her. She quickened her pace until her hips were slamming against Laura’s ass with every thrust. “Fuck cupcake. I can’t believe you’re letting me do this,” she groaned.

Laura’s fingers fisted in the sheets. Her entire body was raw and on _fire_. “Me – me either,” she panted. “I think – I think I kind of like – to be – on top,” she finished with a loud moan.

Carmilla’s hips stilled. “What did you say?”

Laura pushed back against the girl, whimpering. “I said I like to be on top.”

Carmilla could feel the blood rushing to her pussy. “Fuck,” she whispered. “Th-that can be arranged,” she stuttered. “Ever heard of reverse cowgirl, cutie?”

Laura shook her head. She just wanted Carmilla to _move_ again. “What? Cowgirl? Carm _please_ ,” she begged.

Carmilla pulled out of Laura suddenly. The moan of disapproval made her grin. She lied down next to Laura and tucked a strand of hair behind the girl’s ear. “Come here cutie,” she whispered.

Laura pushed up on her hands and knees. She looked over at her roommate. Carmilla was staring at her in awe. She scrambled to straddle the girl, but Carmilla stopped her.

“Huh uh cutie. Turn around,” she smiled.

Laura’s eyebrows furrowed. But she threw her leg over Carmilla and straddled the girl’s stomach – back facing her roommate. She looked down between her legs at the toy that had just been inside of her. She bit her lip as she finally caught on to what Carmilla wanted. She raised herself up and slid down on the strap-on – slowly. Her moan was unlike any sound she’d ever made.

Carmilla guided the toy inside of Laura, then lined up the plug with the girl’s ass. She gripped her roommate’s hips and pulled the girl down on top of her – the toy seated firmly inside. Then she turned it back on and pumped it up to full speed.

Laura threw back her head and howled. She fell forward, catching herself on Carmilla’s thighs. She could see the girl’s wet pussy under the harness. She cupped Carmilla before pushing two fingers inside of her. Then, slowly, she matched the pace of her fingers with the pace of her frantic grinding.

Carmilla’s hands trailed up Laura’s back and her nails scraped back down leaving faint red lines. She watched the toy as it slipped in and out of Laura’s dripping cunt. “Fuck,” she whispered. “I should let you top me more often.”

Laura growled and just bounced on Carmilla's lap even faster. Her thighs were burning in this position, but the dildo was hitting her just right – every time. Then she felt Carmilla sitting up. The girl’s arms wrapped around her waist and her roommate’s fingers slipped between her legs, toying with her clit roughly. Laura lost it at the feeling of Carmilla’s naked chest pressed tightly against her bare back. She let her head fall back onto Carmilla’s shoulder as she rode out the most intense orgasm of her life.

* * *

They’d fucked for hours. Carmilla had done things to her body that she’d never even dreamt of. But she didn’t regret one second of it. She may have been hesitant at first, but she was more than glad that she’d given herself over to her desires. They were tangled together in each other, breathing deeply, fully sated – or so she thought. Carmilla’s fingers trailed down her stomach, causing her muscles to twitch and tighten. The girl’s fingers slipped between her legs again.

“I’m going to fuck you in your sleep,” Carmilla whispered the demand.

Laura’s eyes shot open. “Wait what?” Sure they had talked about it, but she hadn’t really made up her mind about it yet.

Carmilla smiled against Laura’s chest. “I’m going.” She circled Laura’s clit. “To fuck you.” She pressed harder. “In your sleep.” Her hand left the girl’s hot pussy and trailed up and down Laura’s thigh. “Please Laura. Please let me fuck you while you’re sleeping.” She groaned. “I want you to wake up with my face between your thighs and my tongue buried in your cunt.”

Laura groaned at the loss of Carmilla’s fingers as much as the girl’s words. “Carm,” she whispered. “I know you really want to do that. But what if – what if I wake up and freak out on you?” She didn’t voice what was _really_ on her mind. What if giving into this one kink unleashed Carmilla’s sex addiction to unspeakable desires? What if _she_ was the reason Carmilla sank into paraphilia?

Carmilla sat up and stared at the girl beneath her. “If you wake up and freak out then I’ll stop immediately. I promise. I’ll talk you down. I’ll make it better. I’ve got you cutie.”

Laura blinked. It was probably the sweetest thing she’d ever heard her roommate say to her. “Carm,” she whispered, stroking the girl’s hair. “Do you think – do you think that if you do this it will – um – trigger you to want to do _other_ things?”

Carmilla’s eyebrows furrowed. “What do you mean?”

Laura shrugged. “I mean, it’s paraphilia right? Why you want to do this? If you give into it, do you think that it will – I don’t know – unleash the flood gates or something?”

Carmilla frowned. She pulled away from the girl. “Is that what you think of me? You think I’m so weak that I’ll just break and go completely insane? Jesus Laura. I thought you believed in me.” She sat up on the edge of the bed.

Laura’s face crumpled. “That’s not what I meant!” she assured the girl. She sat up next to Carmilla and took the girl’s hand. Carmilla didn’t try to pull away, so she stroked the back of the girl’s hand with her thumb. “I don’t understand how it all works Carm. I’m trying, but I have to be taught. You have to explain these things to me. I don’t want to make things worse for you.”

Carmilla tugged her hand away. “It’s a little late for _that_ don’t you think cutie,” Carmilla said harshly. “I was doing _really_ good on my treatment before you basically fucked my face.”

Tears sprang into Laura’s eyes. Her bottom lip quivered. Carmilla was right. The girl had been doing so well, and Laura had made it all crash around them because she couldn’t control her own urges. “I’m so sorry Carm,” she sobbed.

Carmilla rolled her eyes. God Laura cried a lot. “Look. All you had to say was _no Carmilla. I don’t want you to touch me while I’m asleep._ You didn’t have to bring up my addiction as an excuse.”

Laura stared at her roommate’s profile. Where was this coming from? Why was Carmilla being so mean about it? She was just trying to understand. “I wasn’t using it as an excuse!” she argued. “I don’t know how it all works! I’m not a psychiatrist! I didn’t want to hurt you.” She stood from Carmilla’s bed and started to pull her clothes back on.

Carmilla watched Laura as she dressed. She was hurt and offended and full of regret all at the same time. She watched Laura crawl into her own bed. She’d really made a mess out of everything.

Laura pulled the covers up to her shoulders. “I’m going to bed,” she said matter-of-factly. Then she paused. She bit her lip. Would Carmilla leave her if she denied the girl? The thought of waking up to Carmilla’s face between her thighs wasn’t an unappealing thought, it turned her on a lot actually, but what would it mean for the broken girl on the other bed? “You – you can if you want to…” she whispered.

Carmilla didn’t say anything. She stared at Laura’s body with wide eyes and an open mouth. God she wanted to. But what if Laura was right? What if she did this and then it just unleashed a whole mess of hidden desires inside of her. She sat on the edge of her bed lost in her thoughts for the better part of an hour. Laura had long since fallen asleep. Slowly, she walked over to Laura’s bed and peeled the blankets away from the girl’s body.

She stared down at Laura. Her fingers traced the girl’s lips, then her jaw, then down her neck. She gently cupped Laura’s breasts through the thin tank top. Laura’s nipples remained soft against her palms. She frowned. She crawled into the bed with her roommate. She slowly pushed up the material of Laura’s tank top, revealing the soft mounds of her breasts. She leaned down and captured one of Laura’s nipples. She let her tongue dance around the little nub, then sucked it into her mouth, biting down gently. She felt the little bud start to react. She smiled.

She rubbed her cheek against Laura’s breasts before taking the other nipple into her mouth and toying with it until it was just as hard. She licked at the undersides of her roommate’s breasts, then down the girl’s stomach. She trailed her fingers up and down Laura’s soft thighs. Then she cupped the girl through her shorts. She could feel the heat radiating from Laura’s pussy. She pressed her face between the girl’s thighs and breathed in deeply. Laura always smelled so good. She nuzzled her nose against Laura’s cunt. Pressing kisses against the hot flesh through the girl’s shorts. It almost felt wrong – like she was taking something that wasn’t hers to take – but Laura had given her permission. Laura had told her it was okay.

She slowly dragged the girl’s shorts down her legs. Careful not to wake her. She spread Laura’s legs wide, curling them around her shoulders. She leaned back in and dragged her tongue along the crotch of the girl’s panties. Laura was wet – and she could taste it. It was a heady feeling, knowing she had this much control of Laura’s unconscious body. Laura’s body wanted her touch, even if the girl didn’t know it was happening.

She looked up at Laura’s body. The girl’s chest was flushed. Her eyebrows were slightly knitted together and her lips were parted. Her roommate looked _wanton_. Desire to taste the girl flooded her body and she pulled Laura’s panties to the side as she dragged her tongue up the length of the girl’s pussy. She felt her roommate’s body shudder underneath her. She closed her eyes and started to softly kiss and lick and nip at Laura’s sex. She nibbled the girl’s clit, sucked it into her mouth and drew shapes that no one had ever seen. Laura’s hips were shifting slightly, and the girl was letting out the most adorably soft moans. She pulled back just slightly. Enough to whisper against the girl. “I love you,” she breathed. Then she froze. Her eyes widened. “Fuck,” she whispered. “I love you.”

Laura’s mind completely blanked at Carmilla’s words. She’d woken up as the girl was removing her shorts, but she’d pretended she was still asleep. She was trying to give Carmilla what the girl wanted. She didn’t know if it would count if she woke up before her roommate was ready for her to. But in her pseudo-lie, she’d heard something she was almost _positive_ Carmilla hadn’t meant for her to hear. She swallowed hard. She moaned a little louder when Carmilla’s mouth returned to her pussy. Making a show of waking up, she arched her back off of the bed and groaned. “Oh my god,” she whispered. She tangled her fingers into Carmilla’s hair.

Carmilla grinned against Laura’s pussy. “Morning sundance,” she mumbled against the girl’s hot core before diving in with a feverish pace that would leave them both gasping and panting before it was over.

* * *

The night hadn’t caused Laura to freak out. And it hadn’t made Carmilla spiral into paraphilia. In fact, it had only brought them closer together. Laura had continued to go see Dr. Morgan on a weekly basis. They had been making a lot of progress. Dr. Morgan was convinced that Laura didn’t have Avoidant Personality Disorder. In fact, the woman had helped Laura realize that most of her antisocialism had stemmed from things she had been forced to believe. Mostly things her father had said to her. Not out of spite or malice, but maybe just out of ignorance.

She was waiting on Dr. Morgan to finish up with her last class of the day when she got a text from her father.

 **Dad:** Hey pumpkin. I know you’re coming home for Christmas this weekend, but I just wanted to warn you that I have to work almost every day. I’ll have Christmas off though, so we can spend it together.

Laura frowned. Of course. She’d be home alone for two weeks. She rolled her eyes. What was different than any other holiday? She was about to text him back with Dr. Morgan walked in.

“Ah Laura. Good to see you sweetheart. Come on in,” she said unlocking her office door and ushering the girl inside.

Laura sat down in her normal chair and sighed.

“Something on your mind?” Lilita asked.

“Just my dad. He has to work for most of the break, as per usual. I don’t know why I thought it’d be different this year.” She shrugged.

Lilita frowned. “Have you told him how that makes you feel?”

Laura laughed. “Oh, sorry. You’re being serious. Um, no. I haven’t.” She frowned. “That would require him having time for a conversation that lasts longer than forty-five seconds.”

Lilita’s frown deepened. “Laura what about your mother? Have you ever looked for her?”

Laura’s eyes got wide. “I mean, at first I did. But my father told me she left because – because she couldn’t cope with having a daughter who was _mentally disturbed_.” She bit her lip against the tears threatening to spill out. “So I just stopped looking.”

Lilita closed her eyes. It took a lot for her to get this angry at a person she had never met, but Laura’s father made her livid. “Laura, would it make you feel better to talk to your mother? To hear – from her own lips – why she chose to leave?”

Laura thought about it. “I don’t know. Maybe? Probably. You know what. Yeah, I think it would. Though it might crush me.”

Lilita nodded. “Well, enough about that for the time being. How are you feeling? What did you want to talk about today?”

Laura blushed. Her and Carmilla had been in this odd sort of limbo for five months. They weren’t dating, but Carmilla wasn’t sleeping with anyone else. And Laura didn’t even _look_ at anyone else. She only had eyes for her broody roommate. “Um, I – well…” she stuttered. “I really like your daughter, and I – I mean – I want to – um…” she shook her head to clear her thoughts.

Lilita chuckled. “Laura, I know that Carmilla and you are sleeping together. It’s okay. Just talk to me.”

Laura’s blush deepened. “You _know?_ ”

Lilita nodded. “Carmilla told me after it first happened sweetheart. Part of her treatment is a confession of sorts. It’s like alcohol treatment. It’s okay if you slip, it’s when you try to hide it that you regress.”

Laura nodded. “Um, okay. So. Anyway. I wanted to ask her to come home with me for the holidays, so I didn’t have to spend them alone. But since we’re not dating or anything, I didn’t want to like, scare her off. Do you think that would be too much?”

Lilita smiled. “I think that would be perfect Laura. I was going to take Carmilla with me to Greece to visit my family, but she _really_ hates being surrounded by so many relatives at one time. They always like to tease her and ask her when she’s going to find a girlfriend.”

Laura beamed at the woman. “Thanks Dr. Morgan!”

Lilita smiled. “Laura, sweetheart. You’ve been sleeping with my daughter for the past five months. I think it’s about time you start calling me Lilita.”

Laura blushed again. “Um. Right. This is so weird.”

Lilita chuckled. “What will you tell your father, Laura?”

Laura frowned. She hadn’t even thought about that. “Um. I mean I guess I could tell him that she’s just a friend, but then that would mean that Carm would have to hide herself. And I don’t want to ask her to do that. But I can’t tell him the _truth,_ he’d never let me bring her home!”

Lilita nodded. She’d figured as much. “How about you tell him when you’re home. That way you’ll have Carmilla there for moral support. And if things go south, you can have someone there for comfort.”

Laura thought about telling her father she was gay. She shuddered. But she couldn’t keep hiding herself from him. She’d have to tell him eventually. It _did_ seem less scary to think about with Carmilla there. “That’s a good idea Dr. M – uh – Lilita.”

Lilita smiled. “Well Laura, I did want to talk to you about one thing today. I think it’s time that you hear my diagnosis.”

Laura stiffened. “Oh. Um. Okay.” She sat back in the chair, waiting for the worst.

“The medication that I gave you six months ago was a placebo Laura. Do you know what a placebo is?”

Laura nodded, dumbfounded. She’d been living all this time without medication?

“Laura,” Lilita continued. “You do _not_ have APD. You don’t have any mental disorders as far as I can tell. You may have been a shy kid, but I feel like the brunt of your issues were forced upon you. Children are very receptive to criticism. There’s only so many times that a child can hear that they’re not good enough, before they actually start to believe it, and show the signs.”

Laura shook her head. “So I – I’m fine?” She frowned. “What about my inability to say no?”

Lilita continued. “I want you to think back on all of the times you’ve been faced with a decision that was important. When it _really_ mattered, what did you say?”

Laura thought back. All of the times she’d been faced with really important decisions, she’d stood up for herself. Choosing to pursue music instead of business. Auditioning for Silas. Not sleeping with Theo. She’d always stood up for herself when it really mattered. She gasped. It was like someone pulling the bag from over her head and letting her see herself clearly for the first time. She blinked, as if her eyes were re-accustoming themselves to the light. “I – I’m fine,” she whispered. It wasn’t a question this time.

Lilita smiled. “Surround yourself with people who build you up Laura. Not with people who tear you down. You are a _beautiful_ , intelligent, talented young woman. And you deserve to be around people who help you remember that.”

Laura smiled. “Like Carm,” she whispered. “Carm makes me feel – like I can do anything.”

Lilita smiled. “You and my daughter are very good for each other Laura. I couldn’t ask for someone better for Carmilla. Whatever it is you’re doing for her. Whatever you’re giving her. It’s working.”

Laura blushed profusely. “Right – yeah – well I just – um – I just keep up,” she mumbled.

Lilita threw back her head and laughed. “Well, Laura. That’s all anyone can do isn’t it?”

Laura bit her lip. “I think I love her,” she whispered. 

Lilita’s eyes widened. Then her face broke into the biggest grin. “You should tell her that. When it feels right,” she advised. She knew her daughter loved Laura. Carmilla had told her as much. But it wasn’t her place to tell either of them how the other felt. They would have to work that out as the timing was right.

* * *

The two huddled together outside of the airport terminal waiting for Laura’s father. When a black car pulled up, Laura recognized the driver immediately. Of course her father couldn’t be bothered to show up himself. She rolled her eyes and tugged Carmilla toward the car.

They arrived at an empty house a few minutes later. Laura pulled the girl up the two flights of stairs to her bedroom.

“Jesus cupcake, what does your dad _do_ actually,” Carmilla asked, looking around the massive house.

Laura blushed. “Oh um, he’s in business.”

Carmilla nodded. “Well business must be very good.”

Laura nodded. “I guess that’s what happens when you spend every waking moment working,” she muttered ruefully. “Come on, let’s get in the hot tub. I’m freezing.”

Carmilla followed Laura out on to the large balcony. She looked around. Okay, Hollis had a hot tub on her balcony. “I didn’t bring a suit kid,” she mused. “Plus, it’s like 20 degrees out here.”

Laura grinned devilishly. “That doesn’t bother me _one_ bit,” she smirked, pulling her shirt over her head. She tossed it at Carmilla’s face and pushed her pants off of her legs, kicking out of them.

Carmilla tossed the shirt aside just in time to see Laura unhook her bra and turn to face the hot tub. She hastily started shedding her clothes. When she was finished kicking them off, she looked up and _barely_ caught the sight of Laura’s bare ass slipping underneath the water. “Fuck,” she whispered. Then she was sliding in next to the girl.

Laura straddled Carmilla the second the girl was in the water. “Your mother _basically_ gave me permission to have sex with you whenever I wanted,” she growled.

Carmilla lifted an eyebrow. “Is that right?”

Laura nodded. “Mmmhmm,” she hummed, peppering kisses along Carmilla’s jaw.

* * *

“Laura sweetheart what are you doing out here in the col…” Steven Hollis's eyes landed on the sight before him. Laura was straddling some girl in the hot tub. From the looks of it, neither of them had much clothing on.

“Daddy!” Laura squealed, scrambling off of Carmilla and covering herself with her arms. “You’re home,” she said awkwardly. “Um…”

Steven saw red. He didn’t let Laura finish. He marched straight up to the hot tub and grabbed Carmilla by the wrist, yanking her out in one swift motion. “I want you out of my house,” he growled, dragging the girl back inside toward the stairs.

Laura jumped out of the hot tub and chased the two back into the house. She grabbed a blanket from her bed on the way and just barely caught up to them in time.

Steven Hollis opened the front door, intent on tossing the girl outside when Laura’s body collided with the door, slamming it shut.

“Dad stop!” Laura shouted. She grabbed Carmilla and pulled the girl against her. She wrapped them both in the blanket. She glared at her father. “Don’t touch her!” she screamed.

Steven sneered. “I invited you into my house and this is how you repay my hospitality? By corrupting my daughter?” His words were addressed to Carmilla. “I want you out. I don’t want to see your face again. Get dressed. Both of you.”

Laura just pulled Carmilla tighter against her body. “You don’t _own_ me. If she goes, I go too. And you _won’t_ see me again.”

Fury flashed in her father’s eyes, but she stood her ground.

“I didn’t raise you like this Laura,” he spat.

Laura balked. “You didn’t _raise_ me at all!” she shouted. “I raised myself. You were always gone!” She started to pull Carmilla toward the stairs. “And I think I turned out just fine! Surprise dad! I’m gay. I didn’t do it to rebel. I didn’t do it out of spite. It’s just who I am. I’m gay. Carmilla didn’t corrupt me. She just – god she finally made me feel _good enough!_ ”

Steven frowned as he watched his daughter retreat up the stairs. He listened as the door to her bedroom slammed shut. Laura would _not_ be going back to Silas. Not if he had anything to do with it.

Laura sat on the edge of her bed trembling with anger. Tears were spilling down her cheeks. “I can’t believe him,” she sneered. “He’s such a hypocrite.”

Carmilla had finished dressing and was kneeling in front of Laura. “Don’t cry babe. He’s not worth it. You’re beautiful. And perfect. And if he can’t see that, then he doesn’t deserve to even know you.”

Laura stood and walked over to her piano. She sat down on the bench and started to play. She made sure to sing extra loud.

 _Feels like the weight of the world._  
_Like God in heaven gave me a turn._  
_Don’t cling to me, I swear I can’t fix you._  
_Still in the dark, can you fix me?_

She _hated_ her father right now. She wasn’t going to let him tear her and Carmilla apart though. He had no idea what she was capable of. All of the rage that she’d been pushing down the last week since Lilita had told her that nothing was wrong with her – that her father and his constant belittling had caused all of her issues – it started to bubble up to the surface.

_Freefall, freefall, all through life._

_If you love me, then let go of me._  
_I won’t be held down by who I used to be._  
_She nothing to me._  

She was certain now, that her father didn’t love her. He thought he owned her. She was his _property_. She’d been a nuisance to him since the day her mother left. Maybe since she’d been born. Just one more thing to take up his time.

 _Feels like the weight of the world._  
_Like all my screaming has gone unheard._  
_And on, I know you don’t believe in me._  
_Safe in the dark, how can you see?_

The doorbell rang just then and Laura was positive that it was the cab she knew her father had called for Carmilla. Well that cab driver better make room for two.

_Freefall, freefall, all through life._

_If you love me, then let go of me._  
_I won’t be held down by who I used to be._

 _If you love me, then let go of me._  
_I won’t be held down by who I was._

 _If you love me, then let go of me._  
_I won’t be held down by who I used to be._

There was a soft knock on her door and Laura stood up to open it. When she flung the door open, her entire world came crashing down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://hollsteinFF.tumblr.com
> 
> @H0llst3inFF
> 
> Song: Evanescence - Weight Of The World


	12. Everybody's Fool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura finds her past is never far enough to escape. But then, maybe she shouldn't have been running.
> 
> Carmilla finally takes a step she never thought she'd take.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little tear-jerker never hurt anyone....much
> 
> Sorry I've been gone forever. Did some traveling. Got in touch with the primitive beast inside of me. Spent an entire two weeks without saying a single word to anyone. Not even myself. At one with Nature. Free of technology. It's good to be home though. So...enjoy...

Laura stared with wide-eyed horror. Her mouth opened and then closed, then opened again. “Mom?” she whispered. She shook her head, closing her eyes and reopening them to see if this was all an elaborate prank her mind was playing on her. “What are you doing here?”

Mary Hollis frowned. “I – your therapist called me.”

“Wait what?”

“Wait what?”

Carmilla and Laura asked simultaneously.

Mary blinked. “Your therapist. She called me. We had a long conversation about past choices, and reasons, and – and neglect.”

Laura frowned. How had Dr. Morgan even _found_ her mother? She’d looked for her mom like for almost four years before she’d finally given up. “Oh,” she said lamely. “Um – well – Carmilla and I were just about to leave actually. I’m headed back to Styria.”

Mary frowned. “You’re leaving before Christmas?”

Laura nodded. She blushed. “Dad and I had an argument.” She looked at Carmilla. Might as well get both parents out of the way at once. “He didn’t…”

“Approve of your relationship.” Mary finished.

Laura nodded dumbly. How had her mother known? Did Dr. Morgan tell her? Did her father?

Carmilla watched in silence as Laura’s mom bit her lip. It was easy to see where her daughter had gotten that particular habit. She felt on edge. There was obvious tension between the two Hollis women, but so far, Mrs. Hollis hadn’t said anything to rile her up.

Mary nodded. “Laura, I know what I can never make up for being absent from your life for so long. And I know you could never understand my reasons for just leaving you – as I’m sure that’s what your father told you. But there is an explanation. It wasn’t because I didn’t love you, please tell me that you at least understand that?”

Laura frowned. She hadn’t heard anyone say that to her face in a very long time. She was loved? Was she really? Her mother used to tell her that all the time, but when the woman had left, it was hard to tell if it had all been a lie. But she could see the emotions in her mother’s eyes. “I know mom,” she whispered.

Mary looked at the girl standing beside her daughter. Carmilla. She was a beautiful young woman. She held herself in a way that screamed confidence. “Carmilla? Is it?”

Carmilla nodded. “Yes ma’am,” she answered.

“Very good,” said Mary. “Laura, I think it’s time that you heard the reasoning as to why I’ve been absent. You’re plenty old enough to understand.” She looked between the two girls. “Why don’t you spend Christmas at my home?”

Laura blinked. “Um – I mean…” She looked at Carmilla. The girl simply smiled back softly. “Okay,” she whispered. She couldn’t really process everything that was going on at the moment. She’d spent so much time being angry with her mother, and thinking that the reason the woman had left was because of her disorder. She’d never really even stopped to consider that maybe it was for a valid reason. Why had her mother left her? 

* * *

Mary Hollis lived in a small two-bedroom house on the west side of Toronto. The neighborhood was quiet, but everyone seemed friendly enough. Laura took a deep breath as she looked around. Had her mother lived here all along? In the same city, not ten miles away from Laura?

She had a death grip on Carmilla’s hand as she followed her mother into the small kitchen. As Mary busied herself with the teakettle, the two girls settled in at the table. Before too long, three cups of steaming hot chocolate were set on the table and Mary joined them.

“It’s not much,” she began, looking around at her small kitchen. “But it’s home. For the last couple of months at least.”

Well that answered that question. Her mother hadn’t lived here all along. The thought that the woman had been in the same city and never even tried to reach out to Laura had tied her stomach in knots. “Where have you been?”

Mary sighed. Rip the bandage off fast. “Storybrook,” she said resolutely.

Laura gasped. “What?” She shook her head. “Why? Why were you at – ” she cut herself off. She didn’t even know what to call it. An asylum? A mental institute?

Mary steeled her nerves. “I have a rare disorder called Avoidant Personality Disorder.”

Laura gasped again. She felt Carmilla’s hand tighten around her own.

Mary continued. “I was diagnosed at a very young age, and most of my life was spent controlling it with medications. When I met your father, he was a senior in Business College, and still young at heart. He was kind back then. He was understanding. And I had never – well I’d never let anyone in.” She swallowed hard. “I fell very much in love with him, and when he proposed it had just seemed so right. But he made it very clear that he didn’t want children until he was settled in and able to support a family. So I put off my desires to start a family and waited. And waited.” She paused. “And waited.” She shook her head. “Finally, I just stopped taking my birth control. When the doctors confirmed that I was pregnant. He grew very cold. And the real reason he didn’t want to have children was exposed. He didn’t want me to pass my disorder onto them. He thought that I was unfit to raise children. The only reason he was even with me was because he knew that if he married me, that my father would give him the money he needed to get his company off the ground.”

Laura’s eyes filled with tears. She’d been right all along. Her father had never wanted her. She was an inconvenience to him. A mistake. But her mother? Her mother had wanted her enough to bear the wrath of her father. Then why? Why had she left? Her eyes were pleading with her mother to give her a reason.

Mary continued. “When you were a baby, you used to ask for all kinds of things.” She smiled fondly at her daughter. Then frowned. “Part of my disorder is that I have a hard time saying no to things. So I suppose I spoiled you a bit. When your father came home to find that, not only had I enrolled you in the piano lessons you’d wanted, but also bought you your first piano, I guess that was the final straw. He always thought that the arts were a waste of time. And that I was encouraging you to throw your life away.” She took a deep breath. “He convinced the courts that I was unfit for parenting. And that my disorder was to the point where I needed to be institutionalized. That I had become a danger to myself and to you. By that time, he had already gotten the company started. He had no need for me. But he couldn’t just divorce me. He still had to be on good terms with my father. He had everybody fooled. When I’d heard that my father had passed away, I knew that there was no hope for me getting out of Storybrook. Until I was contacted by Dr. Morgan.”

Laura felt the tears roll across her cheeks. She reached across the table with her free hand and placed it upon her mother’s. “Mom, I – ” What could she say? She sniffled. “For so long I thought. I thought you left because I wasn’t good enough. I thought you left because of my disorder.”

Mary’s eyes snapped up to her daughter’s. “Disorder?” Had Steven been right all along? Had she passed this curse onto Laura?

Laura shook her head at the panic in her mother’s eyes. “It was dad,” she whispered. “I mean, you know me. I was a shy kid. When you left, I just – I kind of just shut down. He sent me to all kinds of therapists. Now I understand why I guess. It makes more sense. He was trying to see if you’d passed the genes on so to speak.” She shook her head. “All it took was one doctor mentioning it, and it was all over. He forced me to believe I was sick. But mom,” she looked at her mother and smiled. “I’m just fine. My _new_ therapist taught me that. I’m a perfectly healthy, perfectly normal seventeen year old.”

Carmilla had sat by quietly up until this point, but she couldn’t sit by any longer. She leaned over and kissed Laura softly. “You’re just _perfectly_ perfect,” she whispered.

Laura grinned against Carmilla’s lips. “I have _you_ to thank for that.”

Carmilla pulled back and smiled, but she shook her head. “You would have figured it out eventually.”

Laura smiled sadly. “Your faith in me is endearing, if not misplaced. I think we both know I would have carried on the same as I had been, until I graduated. Then I would have gone to college and done the same thing. Then I’d be a hermit somewhere only leaving my house to play concerts for stuck up elitists like my father.”

Mary smiled at the touching display of love in front of her. “How long have you two been together?” she asked softly.

Laura’s eyes widened. “Oh um – we’re not…”

“About six months,” Carmilla cut in. “Though I think it’s about time I got over myself and _finally_ asked this girl to be my girlfriend.”

Laura’s mouth dropped open. “Carm?”

Carmilla pulled a small box from her pocket. “I was going to wait until Christmas, but now seems like a good time – if only because the shocked expression on your face right now makes me really sad. Did you really think that we weren’t together? That I’d want anyone other than you?” She opened the box to reveal a simple silver promise ring. It was in the shape of an infinity sign and had two black diamonds in the loops.

Laura’s eyes widened even more. “Carm what…” she shook her head.

“Be my girlfriend Laura. I don’t want anyone else. Only you. Forever. This is my promise to you. To always be there for you when you need me. To never take you for granted. To _always_ make you feel wanted. And to never let another day go by when you don’t feel as if you’re good enough. Because you are. You’re beautiful, and wonderful, and so very good enough. And I – I love you.”

Laura gasped again. “Carm I – I love you too.” Her eyes were filled with fresh tears as she leaned in and kissed her _girlfriend_ for the first time.

Mary beamed at the two girls across the table from her. She stood. “Well, I think you two need some alone time to discuss recent events. We’ll have plenty of time to catch up starting tomorrow. I’m just going to be in the living room, watching my shows – with the volume turned up – very loud.” She smirked at her daughter.

Laura pulled away from the kiss hesitantly. A light coating of pink dusted her cheeks. “I – um – we…” Laura shook her head.

Mary laughed. “I’ll show you to your room.”

Laura pulled Carmilla into a kiss as soon as the door closed behind her. She unbuttoned her pants and guided Carmilla’s hand into her panties.

Carmilla grinned against Laura’s lips. “I’m gonna fuck you so hard,” she purred.

Laura froze. She pushed against Carmilla’s shoulders. “Wait. Stop.” She panted. “I don’t want you to fuck me.”

Carmilla immediately ripped her hand out of Laura’s panties as if she’d been burned. “I – I’m sorry. I thought…”

Laura grabbed her girlfriend’s hand and pulled it back to where it was. “That doesn’t mean I don’t want to have sex, Carm. I just – don’t want you to fuck me. I want you – to make love to me.”

Carmilla’s gaze softened. She grabbed Laura by the hips and picked the girl up. Laura’s legs immediately went around her waist. She walked them to the bed and gently laid Laura down. “That can be arranged,” she whispered, slowly kissing down Laura’s neck.

* * *

Laura and Carmilla stumbled into the kitchen just after noon. Mary was on the phone. “Oh girls, you’re up. I’m just talking with your mother Carmilla.”

Carmilla exchanged a glance with Laura. She knew the shoe was going to drop at some point. Her mom would tell Laura’s mother about her addiction and this whole perfect family, playing house would be over. No parent wanted their daughter dating a sex addict.

Mary smiled. “She was checking yours and Carmilla’s mail like you’d asked her too, and it seems you got a letter from Julliard. Did you want to wait or…”

Laura jumped up and grabbed the phone. “Lilita! Is it a big letter or a small letter? What does it look like? Does it _look_ like an acceptance letter?”

_Laura darling. It looks like a normal letter. It’s not big, or small. Just an envelope with a stamp, addressed to you._

Laura swallowed hard. “Would you? Do you mind opening it?”

 _Not at all sweetheart._ She opened the letter and read. _Dear Miss Hollis. We are pleased to inform you that you are being asked to Julliard to audition for the program of your choice. Please have all routines and compositions worked out before your arrival. We look forward to assessing your talent. Regards, Cornelius Hans Albrecht, Lügenbaron von Vordenberg, Admissions._

Laura squealed. She turned and threw herself into Carmilla’s arms. “I got an audition!”

Carmilla grinned. “Of course you did. Did you ever doubt yourself?”

Laura shook her head. “No but this just confirms it. It’s _real_ now.” She thanked Dr. Morgan and handed the phone back to her mother. Carmilla’s arms wrapped around her.

“I’m so proud of you,” Carmilla whispered.

Mary hung up the phone and turned to find her daughter lip-locked with Carmilla. She cleared her throat. “Remind me to put on an action movie instead of DIY TV next time.” She smirked at the blush that covered Laura’s cheeks. “Anyway. Your mother was kind enough to get me in touch with your older sister, Carmilla. She’s going to be taking my case.”

Laura frowned. “What case?”

Mary cocked her head to the side. “Why, the case against your father darling. Ten years I was locked away in that sanitarium. Ten years of time I could have spent with you. Stolen. And for what? So he could raise a phoenix company from the ashes of blood money? I don’t think so. He made you believe you were sick all of this time. He controlled your life. Your thoughts. And he took you away from me. He’s going down.”

Carmilla raised an eyebrow. “Well with Mattie at the helm, there’s no question about that. She’s never lost a case.”

Laura shook her head. “Wait. You’re suing dad?” She turned to Carmilla. “And you have an older sister – who’s a lawyer?”

Carmilla chuckled. “She’s not really my sister. More like a friend of the family.”

Laura nodded. “Oh. Okay. Um. Well, do your best to keep me out of it yeah? Just because I found out I don’t have a disorder doesn’t mean I magically got better at social situations.”

Mary laughed. “If I win, I’m buying a house in the city. So that I can come see every show you put on.”

“When you win,” corrected Carmilla.

Mary nodded. “When I win.”

Laura felt a bit uneasy. She bit her lip and tried to push the feeling down. Sure, her father may never have been the warmest. But he had at least _tried_ for the last ten years. He could have shipped her off somewhere and forgot she existed. Instead, he’d let her keep up with her music. He’d given her the best education that money could buy. And – a lot of sound life advice. She may not agree with what he had done, but was that a good enough reason to completely ruin him?

She’d almost talked herself into voicing her thoughts when the previous night's events came to the forefront of her mind. Her father had yanked Carmilla out of the hot tub and almost thrown her out on the street – completely naked. His face was filled with hatred and disgust when he’d looked at Laura. She nodded. Her mother was right. He had everyone fooled. But not anymore. Soon, he’d be everyone’s fool.

* * *

One month later, Carmilla and Laura were back in Toronto. Today was the day of her father’s trial. Her mother’s case had brought to light a host of other legal issues surrounding her father. Today was the day the jury would decide if the man walked away – or went away for all he had done. To her word, Mary had tried her best to keep Laura out of the case, but when one of the witnesses called had been an old nanny for Laura, the woman described in detail all of the bruises that covered young Laura. She didn’t remember any of it, but the next witness had been her first therapist. Dr. Lane had told the court that Steven Hollis had brought Laura in at the age of six and demanded that she be put on a very specific regimen of medications. At first Dr. Lane had resisted, but Mr. Hollis had threatened her practice. The doctor described that the particular dose and combination of medications could have very well caused a loss of short term memory for Laura. 

When her mother had filled her in on the details, she knew she had to be there. She had to be there when he was sentenced. She couldn’t believe that they were actually leaning toward letting him walk free. This man – who had _never_ loved her – had beaten her. Had abused her at least physically, and maybe even – maybe even sexually. She was outside the courthouse setting up her gear. Carmilla and she had staged a _peaceful_ protest. Her father would have to enter the court through these doors. And he would _have_ to hear her. When she saw the car pull up, she nodded to Carmilla, and began to play.

 _Perfect by nature._  
_Icons of self-indulgence._

There were camera crews _everywhere._ No one would miss this final goodbye from daughter to father.

 _Just what we all need._  
_More lies about a world that._  
_Never was and never will be._  
_Have you no shame don't you see me._  
_You know you've got everybody fooled._

Laura stared straight into her father’s eyes. He had paused and his mouth was hanging open just a bit. His eyes were cold and hard – like he couldn’t believe his _obedient_ daughter was capable of this betrayal. After a moment, he began moving toward the courthouse once again.

 _Look here he comes now._  
_Bow down and stare in wonder._  
_Oh how we love you._  
_No flaws when you're pretending._

There were tears rolling down Laura’s face by this point. Carmilla’s voice was harmonizing with hers perfectly, and the guitar added just the right touch of raw emotion she needed to really let everyone know just how she felt about her father.

 _But now I know he._  
_Never was and never will be._  
_You don't know how you've betrayed me._  
_And somehow you've got everybody fooled._

Laura saw him then. Theo Straka. What was he doing here? He looked right at her, then at Carmilla. His eyes were hard. But he gave Laura a little nod, and followed the crowd into the courthouse.

 _Without the mask, where will you hide?_  
_Can't find yourself lost in your lie._  
_I know the truth now._  
_I know who you are._  
_And I don't love you anymore._

She hadn’t been planning on going in. She was just going to sing her song and wait for her mother to tell her how it went. But what was Theo doing here? Could the boy ruin everything? She thought they’d parted on good terms, but maybe Theo was going to get his revenge.

 _Never was and never will be._  
_You don't know how you've betrayed me._  
_And somehow you have everybody fooled._

She shook her head. She had to go in there. She had to know how this all was going down. She needed to hear, first-hand, why her father felt he deserved to walk away unscathed.

 _It never was and never will be._  
_You're not real and you can't save me._  
_Somehow now you're everybody's fool._

Laura stood from the piano and squeezed Carmilla’s hand. “I have to go in there. I have to know.”

Carmilla nodded. “You want me with you?”

Laura nodded. “I can do anything with you by my side.”

Carmilla smiled at her girlfriend. “I love you. Everything is going to be okay.”

* * *

The last of the witnesses were called in one by one. People Laura hadn’t seen in years. People she’d never seen in her life. Character witnesses you could tell were paid for. And then the last nanny Laura could ever remember having. She went into vivid detail about the bruises she would see on the insides of Laura’s thighs when she was bathing the girl. The unsettling _games_ that Laura used to talk about playing with her father. Laura didn’t remember any of it. It was a shock to her system to hear herself talked about in that way. Carmilla never let go of her hand. It wasn’t until the girl squeezed that Laura was brought from her thoughts. “Hmm?”

“They’re calling you,” Carmilla whispered.

Laura’s eyes went huge. “Excuse me?”

The judge looked at Laura over the top of her glasses. “Did you wish to be heard Miss Hollis?” Laura stood as if on autopilot, but when she was up, she didn’t know what to do. “Um. I was…”

The judge cut in. “You have to be read your rights if you wish to be heard Miss Hollis.”

Laura nodded. “Right.” She slowly walked to the front of the courtroom. Did she want to be heard? She had no clue. But it was a little late to back out now. When she was read her rights and seated at the front of the courtroom she began. “I was very young. I don’t remember most of what is being talked about.” She paused. Lost in thought. “I do recall thinking on some occasion that the games my father and I used to play were not like the games that other girls at my school played with their families. I remember once when I was eleven, I made a comment at school about my father giving me my bath, and the other kids laughed at me. I didn’t realize that I was too old for that. He’d always made it seem like a normal thing. But I do remember going home and telling him that night that I was too old for him to be bathing me.”

“I didn’t really talk much to anyone at school after that. I didn’t know what else we might be doing that wasn’t normal. And then I just – I just forgot. I told him I was too old for games and we just stopped talking altogether. And I forgot. But the dreams never stopped. Every night like clockwork, I would dream he’d be in my room, standing over my bed. Sometimes he would touch me. Sometimes he would just stare at me. Other times he would kiss me. My neck. My chest. My thighs if I was in a t-shirt. I guess I always wrote them off as nightmares because my father would never do that to me. My father loved me. He would never hurt me. Now after hearing all of this, I wonder how much of it was actually dreamt.”

There were tears rolling down her cheeks at this point. Her father – for all it was worth – looked genuinely ashamed. She took her seat next to Carmilla and the girl instantly reached for her hand.

“I love you so much, baby,” Carmilla whispered into Laura’s ear. “That was the bravest thing I’ve ever seen anyone do.”

Laura was about to respond when she heard Theo’s name called. Her eyes snapped forward. She knew her story was heartfelt, but there was no hard evidence involved. She couldn’t remember most of it, and what she could remember, she had no idea if it was real or a dream. As much as she hated to admit it, it all came down to Theo. If the boy spoke on her father’s behalf, it could be the one statement that sealed the deal.

Theo closed his eyes. “I’ve always liked Mr. Hollis. He was always kind to me inviting me into his home, watching a game or just casually chatting. He always made time for me while I was dating his daughter. He never said or did anything that had me questioning his intentions. He was strict, sure, but he seemed to be fair. He worked a lot to provide the things for Laura that she deserved. A world-class education. The best tutors money could buy.”

Laura took a deep breath. She shook her head. Her father was going to walk free.

Theo paused. “That was when Laura and I were dating. He was the model father. But what – what people don’t know – is that – it’s that I’ve known Mr. Hollis for much longer than that.”

Laura’s eyes widened. She glanced over at her father and watched as the man closed his eyes and hung his head. What was Theo about to reveal?

Theo looked straight at Laura. “I can only hope that what I say today won’t make you hate me forever.” He shook his head. “But it has to be said. Mr. Hollis approached me after a soccer game one night. He told me he would pay me to – keep his daughter’s attentions.”

Laura gasped. She was mortified. The only person who had ever really paid attention to her – before Carmilla – had been _paid_ to do so. She could feel the blush burning her face as eyes all around the courtroom landed on her.

Theo continued. “At first it was really innocent. He paid me to just talk to Laura. Give her a friend. But then I – I started to get to know her and I – well I was attracted to her. I asked Mr. Hollis if he minded if I asked her out and – he asked me if it was going to require a raise.” Theo frowned. “I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable accepting money from him anymore. That I wanted to _date_ Laura. So for a couple of weeks everything was fine. But then, he asked me if I would double my efforts of keeping Laura’s attention. He wanted to me basically control Laura – with sex. I realize now that it was because he wanted to keep her from realizing who she truly was. He didn’t want her to realize she was gay.”

Theo was crying at this point. The guilt and shame were very apparent on his face. “But by that time, I’d already fallen in love with Laura. I didn’t want to do anything that would hurt her. I didn’t want to control her. I wanted her to love me back. And I think she did, in her own way. As a friend. Until she met the person she was destined for.” He looked at Carmilla. “When Laura came back from camp, I just wanted to fix everything I’d done. I wanted a fresh start. But when I got there, her father was the same as he had been. He told me exactly how to use her disorder against her. It made me sick. I never knew Laura had a disorder. I just thought she was shy. But knowing that, it made me question every time I had ever even touched her. I told myself that I would make up for all of those times. That I would show her exactly how much I loved her. Eventually, that meant helping her realize who she really loved. I have no regrets about that.”  

* * *

The verdict was read. Her father had been charged with sexual misconduct with a minor, forcible touching, persistent sexual abuse, incest in the third degree, and aggravated sexual assault. Laura’s head was reeling. This whole case had started because her mother wanted to prove her father had sent her away with no justification. Instead, the entire case had dissolved to her mistreatment as a child. She barely listened as the judge gave the sentence. Her father was going to spend the rest of his life in jail. She had no clue how she was going to walk out of this courtroom and not dissolve into a heap of anxiety in front of the cameras.

It seemed Carmilla had planned for that though. “Follow me,” she whispered.

Laura followed her girlfriend to the restrooms. Carmilla opened her bag and pulled out a change of clothes for Laura and herself. Then she handed Laura a black wig, donning a blonde one herself. Next she pulled out two obscenely large pairs of sunglasses. Laura stared at her girlfriend. "You thought of everything didn’t you?"

Carmilla grinned. "I knew you wouldn’t think about it until it was over. I just wanted to be prepared."

Laura kissed the girl deeply.

They walked out of the courthouse unbothered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://hollsteinFF.tumblr.com
> 
> @H0llst3inFF
> 
> Song: Evanescence - Everybody's Fool


	13. Broken - But Good Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura just couldn't say no to Carmilla.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's been a wild ride Creampuffs, but you've stuck with me until the end. Thanks for the support! I hope you like the ending.

A lot had happened since Laura’s father had been sent away for life. Another four months had passed and she and Carmilla were stronger than ever. They were in love, which, for both of them, was a monumental occasion. An overcoming of adversity. A step toward adulthood.

Carmilla had been approached by a record label shortly after their return to Styria. They had seen the girls singing on television, outside of the courthouse. They wanted to sign her immediately.

Laura couldn’t have been happier for her girlfriend. She played the role of supporting best friend, lover, and sometimes mother – when she had to make sure Carmilla was eating at least three meals a day instead of writing new songs constantly.

Laura was watching Carmilla set up her guitar on stage. The band was playing at the Spring Bash. Already, people were filing in from Silas, as well as from neighboring universities. It was going to be one hell of a show. Carmilla motioned for Laura to join her.

“Hey baby. Remember that song I’ve been working on, and I had you sing part of it because I thought it’d sound better as a duet?” Carmilla asked nonchalantly. She had finally figured out what the song had been missing - Laura.

Laura nodded. “Oh yeah. I _love_ that one Carm. It’s my favorite.”

Carmilla grinned. “Good, because I want you to sing it with me.”

Laura’s eyes went wide as saucers. “You w-want me to get up on s-stage. In front of all these people?” She looked around at the hundreds of people gathered. “And sing?”

Carmilla nodded. She took Laura’s hand. “I _know_ you can do this. I have faith in you. And I love you. Please?”

Laura bit her lip. She _had_ been working a lot on her anxiety issues. She hadn’t had a panic attack in what felt like forever. But could she do _this_? She nodded. “Okay Carm. I’ll try. You know I can't say no to you.”

Carmilla pulled Laura into a bone-crushing hug. “I love you so much baby.”

Laura beamed. “I love you too.” She followed Carmilla onto the stage.

Carmilla picked up her guitar and slung it over her shoulder. She strummed the guitar a few times before getting into the picking pattern. The crowd grew almost deathly silent as her voice rang out.

 _I wanted you to know,_  
_I love the way you laugh._  
_I want to hold you high and steal your pain away._

She looked at Laura. Eyes full of love. How could she have _ever_ thought she needed anything but this girl? Ell was a distant memory. So much so, that she barely even saw her step-sister. She’d made it a point to stay as far away from the girl as possible. But there was really no need. She didn’t want Ell. She loved Laura. Only Laura.

 _I keep your photograph,_  
_And I know it serves me well._  
_I want to hold you high and steal your pain._

Laura gazed lovingly into Carmilla’s eyes. If only the girl knew how much of her pain Carmilla actually stole away on a regular basis. The girl filled a gap in her life that she hadn’t even realized she’d had. She hadn’t realized that something was missing. But now she felt whole. She felt complete. Her voice melted into Carmilla’s at the chorus.

 _'Cause I'm broken, when I'm lonesome._  
_And I don't feel right when you've gone away._  
_You've gone away,_  
_You don't feel me here anymore._

This was it. Laura took a deep breath. She could do this. She didn’t look out at the crowd. She kept her eyes locked with Carmilla’s. When she sang, there was an audible gasp from the crowd.

 _The worst is over now,_  
_And we can breathe again._  
_I want to hold you high, you steal my pain away._

Carmilla was _so_ proud of Laura right now. She wanted to march right up to the girl and kiss her. She had to finish the song first, of course, but she would do just that when the last notes faded. How had she gotten so lucky?

 _There's so much left to learn,_  
_And no one left to fight._  
_I want to hold you high and steal your pain._

Laura did want to take all of Carmilla’s pain away. Was this what the girl felt for her as well? This overwhelming desire to make everything okay? To make everything good? She felt like this was more than enough. She felt good enough. She felt…she felt great. When Carmilla’s voice slid around hers like melted chocolate, the effect on the crowd was immediate. They went wild.

 _'Cause I'm broken when I'm open,_  
_And I don't feel like I am strong enough._  
_'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome,_  
_And I don't feel right when you're gone away._

Carmilla pushed the guitar behind her. The last lines she would sing without the safety of her music. She wrapped her arms around Laura from behind and nuzzled the girl’s neck.

 _'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome,_  
_And I don't feel right, when you're gone away._  
_You've gone away,_  
_You don't feel me here anymore…_

The crowd went wild. Laura had never felt so excited in her entire life. “Carm?”

Carmilla hummed in answer, kissing along Laura’s neck. “When you’re finished with the first set, you think you can meet me behind the stage?”

Carmilla smirked against her girlfriend. “Why Miss Hollis, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were asking me for a quickie backstage.”

Laura bit her lip and looked up at her girlfriend through thick lashes. “Maybe I just want to show you that I will _always_ be your number one fan. No matter how many people come to your shows.”

Carmilla chuckled lowly. “Oh I have no doubts about that baby. I’ll see you backstage in a few songs.” She kissed Laura soundly and sent the girl backstage.

When Laura heard the last song in the first set fade out, she bit her lip. Carmilla may _always_ be a sex addict by the definition itself, but when she was with Laura, it didn’t feel that way. Not since the first couple of times anyway. The girl treated Laura as if she were precious. Like every touch was thought out, planned, calculated to make every part of her catch fire. She felt so _loved_ when Carmilla touched her.

Carmilla pushed her way through the backstage door and smiled at the sight of her girlfriend. Laura was wasting no time, it seemed. Her eyebrows shot up at the sight of the naked girl on the sofa. She turned and locked the door, shedding her clothes as she made her way to Laura. “I love you,” she whispered as she pressed her lips against the brunette’s. “I love you so much.”

Laura smiled into the kiss. “I love you too Rockstar.” She grinned.

Carmilla chuckled lowly. She kissed her way down Laura’s neck. “Does listening to me sing get you all worked up or something,” she teased.

Laura nodded. “It _really_ does.” She threaded her fingers into Carmilla’s hair and pushed the girl downward. “Wanna find out just _how_ worked up I am?”

Carmilla laughed as she kissed her way down Laura’s chest and stomach. When she ran her tongue between the girl’s thighs, she let out a filthy moan. Laura was so wet. She pulled away slightly. “Jesus, cupcake. You weren’t lying.” 

Laura laughed and tugged her girlfriend’s face back between her legs. “I’d never lie to you, love.”

* * *

Today was the day. Her audition to Julliard was in thirty minutes. She was on the verge of a panic attack – this one completely warranted – when she felt Carmilla’s strong arms slip around her.

“You’re going to be perfect, baby,” Carmilla whispered in Laura’s ear.

Laura smiled. “Well, I finally feel like I’m good enough for this. And I have the perfect song, so maybe that’s enough. She turned in Carmilla’s arms and kissed her girlfriend passionately. “Wish me luck?”

Carmilla pulled Laura into another kiss. “Not that you need it, but good luck. I’ll be in the front row.”

It was a point of contention. Laura was nervous that the auditions were open to the public, but singing with Carmilla had assuaged some of her anxiety about performing in front of people. Another reason she had to thank the girl. She walked out to the grand piano and sat down on the bench. Her eyes scanned the room and she found Carmilla. She smiled. “My name is Laura Hollis. Today I was going to play _Gaspard de la nuit_ for you, but I had a change of heart, and instead, I’m going to be performing an original piece.”

She gauged the faces of the panel. They seemed hesitant to an original piece. Maybe she should have just stuck to the plan, but it was too late to back out now. She began to play. Her fingers danced across the keys. She looked back at the panel and saw their impressed faces. The piece she put together was anything but easy. It showed off her dexterity, but also added in something that _Gaspard de la nuit_ didn’t allow for – her voice. When she began to sing, her eyes sought out Carmilla’s gaze.

 _Under your spell again._  
_I can’t say no to you._  
_Crave my heart and it’s bleeding in your hand._  
_I can’t say no to you._

How many times had she said those words to the girl? She really couldn’t. Even though she knew now, that it had nothing to do with any kind of disorder, she’d never been able to say no to Carmilla. She didn’t think she ever would. She’d do anything for the girl.

 _Shouldn’t let you torture me so sweetly._  
_Now I can’t let go of this dream._  
_I can’t breath, but I feel good enough._  
_I feel good enough, for you._

She watched as people started to file into the auditorium. It was like they could hear her from outside, and had to come in to see. Watch as this girl poured her heart out and onto the piano keys. So she did. Her eyes never left Carmilla’s. She watched through her peripherals as more and more people filed into the auditorium.

 _Drink up sweet decadence._  
_I can’t say no to you._  
_And I’ve completely lost myself, and I don’t mind._  
_I can’t say no to you._

In this moment, she felt more than good enough. She felt great. She felt like she could fly if she wanted. She felt as if all of these people wanted her to sing for them. They wanted to hear her song. They wanted to hear her story. And she felt like her story was good enough. She smiled at Carmilla – the girl who had given her everything. The girl who had saved her – from death – from herself. She shook her head and continued to pour her heart out.

 _Shouldn’t let you conquer me completely._  
_Now I can’t let go of this dream._  
_Can’t believe that I feel good enough._  
_I feel good enough._  
_It’s been such a long time coming, but I feel good._

She couldn’t believe that this was real. She kept waiting to wake up from the dream and be back in that dorm room – gun pointed in her face – cold water washing over her. Carmilla – dead. She kept waiting to feel the insecurity creeping back up on her. The weight of her anxiety starting to crush her – but it didn’t come.

 _And I’m still waiting on the rain to fall._  
_Pour real life down on me._  
_Cause I can’t hold on to anything this good enough._  
_Am I good enough, for you to love me too?_

She stared into Carmilla’s eyes, begging the girl to see every emotion that she was feeling at the moment. She wouldn’t be here if not for that girl. She loved her with everything that she had. She looked down at the ring on her finger. One day, that was going to be a wedding ring. One day, that was going to be _forever…_ and Laura? – well she couldn’t say no to Carmilla.

 _So take care, what you ask of me._  
_Cause I can’t say no._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://hollsteinff.tumblr.com
> 
> @H0llst3inFF
> 
> Songs: Broken - Seether; Good Enough - Evanescence


End file.
